I've been spending the past few weeks, and specifically the last few days trying to express myself clearly. Because this has become such a huge preoccupation of mine, I fail to find anything worth blogging about. I've almost become more attached to my thoughts, and in that more introverted in dialogue.

Today I am writing because I solidified a friendship that pulls at my poetic strings.

Also because I want to do a little shameless self promoting.
I have a radio show on Wednesday's at 11pm
It's called Writers on Whiskey, where in one of my close friends and I drink a little whiskey and read you bedtime stories. It's going to be epic.

Our first show is tomorrow, check it here if you want to listen.

Love is Contagious

During finals week, my campus we torn by grief and depression and stress and fear and hurt. As a community we were broken and hurting. I was racked, and confused and hurting in my own way and decided to start a paper crane making project. It ended up being a lot more successful than I ever imagined, totaling 1132 cranes by Wednesday night.

I needed something to keep myself together, and the cranes gave me a puropose and a reason to be somewhere. Keeping me from being along or dwelling by myself. I am very thankful for everyone who participated and needed the cranes in their own way.


The photo was taken when we put all the cranes on a table to give away. 500 more cranes were gifted to the project on Thursday morning and over the summer I am going to sting the cranes so that they can hang in the windows of the Stonewall Resource Center (our queer hub).

The Reason I Feel This Way

Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

anger is defined as a strong feeing of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

rage is defined as violent, uncontrollable anger.


My anger is raging and yet I am filled with frightening alarm and panic when I think about campus and stepping foot onto it. This fear is deep inside of me, rooted into a place that I can not touch.

The story: This weekend death threats when up around my campus geared towards faggots and queers. Someone carved into a bathroom door hateful and frightening words that resonate through the community and shake the ties that are already infuriated and unsteady. Our campus is dividing, and hurting in a whole new series of ways, and for once I feel out of control and helpless. I can sit in a room and feel safe reclaiming small spaces at a time. I do not believe that I will reclaim all of the spaces though. We can take action, but I am ever fully aware of retaliation and the ability for counter actions to occur.

Many small things have lead up to this last weekend, and the one before it causing the breakdown of safety and trust. 76 women we targeted last weekend in acts of misogyny, a term I am not trowing around lightly. These women were hurt by men in their lives and communities that they thought they knew and trusted. In some cases their own girlfriends where the butt of the jokes. I am not pinning the acts on one person, or even on a group of people instead I want to focus on the internal mindset and pack mentality that continuously leads to this sort of violence. I do not believe the men actually meant harm onto the women, but the blatant lack of disrespect in something we can not hide from or brush under the rug. I think there is a lot more sequestered than many of us are willing to admit.

So, here goes. I am an angry, fearful, ashamed, out-and-loud, queer, trans person who currently holds fear and internal bias against many white straight men at the college and in my life. The bias has always been with me, with out my consent or my desire to have it. I hate to admit it, but my inclination is deep within me and comes from years of hate and threat from my small community growing up. It comes from the fear I felt in gym class after coming out in high school. It comes from the peer pressure that accompanied me leaving the cheerleading squad, and the deep resentment I still feel inside of me because of this. I was fearful in my community as a junior high and high school stunted, but I lived with that fear and addressed it and became a gay role model in my conservative high school setting. I've tried to move on through the horrible things that happened to me, through the hate and fear I felt in that environment and more importantly away from my classification of straight males as the enemy. It has been hard, and I admit I don't even know or assume the acts against queers this weekend were carried out by an individual who identifies as straight or male, but when I move through the community it is these individuals who I perceive as more of a threat to me personally. These are the words and thoughts that I hide in my darkness, that I attempt to not act upon or through. I think we may all have something hiding in the dark that we react to on a cellular level and that can not washed away too easily.


At Grinnell, I am expected still to fulfill that role, but now I am expected to have a level head and control my fear and anger in a just and responsible manner. I am expected to discuss with members of my community who I fear the most, my emotions and my hesitations and my hopes for moving forward. And the fear and resentment is deep inside of me, mostly untapped until something like this weekend's events happen. Then it manifests itself though shortening of breath when I enter or exit certain spaces. It manifests through the isolation I feel in large groups, and the paranoia I have when walking, especially aline. My mouth gets dry, my heart races and my mind goes numb filling only with the voices and images of my past that strike fear into my heart, mind and body. It is physically and mentally debilitating, yet it is internal and personal and almost impossible to detect unless you are living inside of me.

The members of the community who are affected by this the most, the victims are always looked to for the driving force. Action can firstly not be taken without their consent and secondly often involves their own initiative and motivation. The members devastated are the first t react and many are asked or expected to become the face and the drive, even if some remain anonymous we do not expect the strongest and the most ready to step forward and react.

In a way that is what I am doing here, I am reacting and letting my voice be heard. Even through the pain and fear I have to continue to live and react and thrive.

Art is acedemic too you know!

My campus newspaper often does a special survey where they question students "ARH or Noyce?" This question is meant to create a tally of students who like ARH - where most of the humanities classes are taught or Noyce - the science center.

Yesterday I was in Noyce when asked the vague question "ARH or Noyce" stunned I looked at the questioner and answered "The question should be Bucksbaum or Noyce, so Noyce." He laughed and then carried on his survey to other students in the study area. Apart from the obvious bias of questioning students already in the science center, I began to think about the bias against arts at Grinnell College. It's not a huge apparent divide, but it's large enough to be noticeable.

I spend hours of my day in Bucksbaum, with class and Theatre (both paid and volunteer) and working on projects I can spend half a day in Bucksbaum easily. I know I am in the minority of students at Grinnell but other Theatre students and artists understand my commitment to this building. Not many classes outside of the arts meet in Bucksbaum, only a few English classes are ever moved into these spaces and they are normally the Shakespeare or theatrically driven English courses. I am not saying the system is flawed, because I understand we only have a few class rooms and the rest of the spaces are designed for studio or artistic spaces. I simply wish the arts and artists on campus were recognized as academic instead of creating a divided where only ARH and Noyce are considered acedemic hubs. The work I do in Theatre and the arts is as acedemically drived, with research and procedure taking presidence. Theatre and art also have history and theory that have to be understood, critiqued, and learned.

The Long Dark Winter is Over

This is a picture of where I have been doing my writing, when I am not in the coffee shop. I really like this space, and the way I work with the table, it's really zen. I can keep my books open for as long as I want and no one minds. Plus I have a constant supply of tea, coffee and of course water. The table has only been in my life since January, but I don't think life would be the same without it.

Alas! Spring is in the air and I have beat the winter blues. I am happy to say that I've kept up on my Spring cleaning through being a minimalist this year. I took it upon myself not to buy more things until having through each purchase through. This means I have not accumulated much over the school year, and I am very happy about that. I do need to spring clean my reseach tabs in zotero and my bookmarks, but this isn't a process I will be doing all at once.

Goals for April
1. Finish 5 short stories
2. submit to GoGo and The Grinnell review
3. buy a glass tea pot
4. Take and post 20 good pictures
5. get rid of everything I haven't used in over a year

p.s. next month is May!
only 2 months until I move into an apartment!

Fog purgatory

It is almost as if it will never rain. The fall has settled in and become a comfortable shield across campus, yet the associated rain is still missing.

I actually get happier when it rains. I am waiting for it to come down in a sheet that pounds down the fog and cleans all the fields of the old snow. I will open my windows and lay in the middle of my room. Listening to it from all angles and letting it fill my space with the smell of turned soil and refreshing rain.
I can't wait.
considering the forecast say 100% chance of rain!
it is only a matter of time.

Following each other's footsteps

This is a blog I've been meaning to write since January, and it was sparked because I realized just how much I learn from the people around me.

I was walking and needed to cross the street, however there was a huge pile of plowed snow between myself and the street. I was contemplating in my head how hard the pile was, wondering if I'd make it over when I noticed foot prints in the snow. They were headed just over the pile toward the street, right where I would have also decided to cross. In that moment I litterally followed in someone else's footsteps as I made my way safely over the snow.

Since that day I've been grateful for all the moments I can learn from others.
I soak up those around me, even my cat.


Someday I will probably follow in your footsteps, and you will follow in mine. We will go there together.

I want to hold your hand

I have been postpoing my next blog post because I was so content with my last one, and I simply do not want to fuck up my mood. So I will talk at you a little bit today about taking time for myself.

since leaving Grant McCracken as mentioned in the last post I’ve been spending a lot of time reading and writing, and away from Grinnell College and other students. Of course in the mail room I’ve had interactions, but my nights have been spent mostly in the comfort of Kate Baumgartner’s extra bed, or the space right in front of it.

This has been a time for me to wind-down from the awful semester that I just ended. Which left me with a caffeine addiction, a nicotine addiction, a hate for D. Campbell, and a big bite of confusion. I left Read 2nd confused about myself, confused about my friends, confused about Grinnell, and confused about what I wanted to do next.

These last few days have been emotionally rewarding. As well as physically detoxing! No, I have not broken my caffeine nor my nicotine addictions, but I have take a huge step back from both. I even went 24 hours without a cigarette and around 10 waking hours without caffeine.

I needed to take some time to recharge because I am about to face the summer, where I am surrounded by girls 24 hours a day from Sunday afternoons until Friday afternoons. I do get 3 hour breaks everyday but Thursday, yet I still worry about the girls and about other camp related stuff. Yet, I am so excited and motivated for this summer. I’ve been looking forward to it for a few months now.

I’ve spent my time reading, writing, gardening, and enjoying silence. I couldn’t be happier with staying in a night, or being bored for a hour. But this all must end soon as Tuesday morning at 2.20 am my bus leaves Des Moines and I am off towards my next adventure.

Before then I must pack food, do laundry, see a few people, and sleep. I add sleep into this, because I’ve not been sleeping regularly. My nights don’t end until well after 2 am. This sleep cycle will kick my ass at camp, so I need to get into gear this next week.

Along with recharging, I got my family dose yesterday. My 6 year old sister, 4 year old brother, greying father, and pregnant step-mum all came to Grinnell for the day. We spent time in the park. Went for a swim. Talked to Zoe on skype. I got my Kewanee gossip and Family gossip from my dad and step-mum. This happened while I stared at the celine in the hotel room and the talked on either side of me. I played with toys. We coloured. Levi caught me singing to Pokemon theme song and made me sing it again. Instead I put on my i-tunes. Then we continued to listen to the who album with the visualizer on. I unfortunately fell asleep and woke up to Haylie staring at me. (This is a normal occurrence at home) It made me super home sick, but in only 81 more days I will see her again (and my cat)!


Now I am ready to run away to Colorado with the choppy cell phone reception, cold mountain air, girl scouts, and summer stories.

I will report back to you all about my 15 hours in greyhound buses, and my stay with Banana. Until then - happy travels in your own lives. Weather they are big or small!


p.s the title of this post refers to all of you in the world I am missing right now. consider your hands held tight ^_^

Update on the state of my existance (1 of 1)

It is the end of my second year of college, and I have been through many ups and downs this year. I must say, I am happy to be leaving Grinnell for a while. I am getting a little itchy for an adventure. Also i have been exsiting on oatmeal and spouts and coffee for about a week and a half now. My stomach just doesn't really want much else. (except the Perkins we ate last night was delicious!)

I always like coming back to Grinnell, and inorder to come back you have to leave. This will be by far the easiest semester to leave behind. I've been emotionally and intellectually challenged, but I leave this year with no baggage. All my papers are done and turned in, and I am not in love or even like with someone to the extent that I will miss them everyday that I am gone. This is a nice shift for someone like me who live through emotions so heavily.

The past couple of days I have really enjoyed the rain on my window. I feel as though so much of the semester was washed away with the rain. It was clensing for me (although it was cold during block party!)

I get to spend the next week here without real tough responsibilities. Just a few hours in the mail room. It will be nice to decompress in a place that I love so much. Even if I was frustrated with being here all semester (and maybe all year). It will be good to spend my gap week here instead of in Kewanee (at least I know that!)

The only thing keeping me so optimistic about this choice is the chance that Haylie will be in Iowa city next Saturday. Of course, the rest of the family will be there too. Yet it is Haylie who I miss the most! (and Midnight, but she won't be coming to Iowa City!)

aahhhhhh, big sigh of relief
I've made it this far, I am only 2 years away from the BA gold!