Some days all I think about living my life in a tiny little apartment. I will never close my window, though I will draw the blinds. I will grow sprouts in jars, from all types of beans and greens. I will grow greens in all of my open window space. I will buy from local farmers markets at a downtown plaza.
I will write with fury, and go to work to save lives.
I will be happy in this life.
I will have filtered water.
Today's thoughts on sprouts:
Spring is a time when all the flowers and trees begin to open up and become beautiful. All winter long I am able to grow sprouts and have little bursts of spring in my life. Each time I eat a sprout I think about spring. It is beautiful and wonderful.
You should all try it.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Being alone
Right now I am in the process of packing up my room. It makes me really upset, but it also reminds me how bad I am at being alone with myself.
Right now this is the real me, going into boxes and I hate it. I touch each article of clothing, and eat piece of stuff but most of it is still void of meaning. I have so much material but so little story.
I make phone calls, all in vain. I take pain pills hoping my head stops spinning.
There is an apple on my desk, I don't think I will ever eat it. So much potential simply lost.
I realize the answers to questions about 15 minutes too late.
Time doesn't stand still and neither do I.
we are all so full of crap.
at least I can feel my heartbeat
that tells me I'm still alive
thoughts that don't run together
like eggs
paint a nice picture
it will make you smile
spend time alone with yourself.
thinking about yourself
you may be surprised what you find.
Right now this is the real me, going into boxes and I hate it. I touch each article of clothing, and eat piece of stuff but most of it is still void of meaning. I have so much material but so little story.
I make phone calls, all in vain. I take pain pills hoping my head stops spinning.
There is an apple on my desk, I don't think I will ever eat it. So much potential simply lost.
I realize the answers to questions about 15 minutes too late.
Time doesn't stand still and neither do I.
we are all so full of crap.
at least I can feel my heartbeat
that tells me I'm still alive
thoughts that don't run together
like eggs
paint a nice picture
it will make you smile
spend time alone with yourself.
thinking about yourself
you may be surprised what you find.
Update on the state of my existance (1 of 1)
It is the end of my second year of college, and I have been through many ups and downs this year. I must say, I am happy to be leaving Grinnell for a while. I am getting a little itchy for an adventure. Also i have been exsiting on oatmeal and spouts and coffee for about a week and a half now. My stomach just doesn't really want much else. (except the Perkins we ate last night was delicious!)
I always like coming back to Grinnell, and inorder to come back you have to leave. This will be by far the easiest semester to leave behind. I've been emotionally and intellectually challenged, but I leave this year with no baggage. All my papers are done and turned in, and I am not in love or even like with someone to the extent that I will miss them everyday that I am gone. This is a nice shift for someone like me who live through emotions so heavily.
The past couple of days I have really enjoyed the rain on my window. I feel as though so much of the semester was washed away with the rain. It was clensing for me (although it was cold during block party!)
I get to spend the next week here without real tough responsibilities. Just a few hours in the mail room. It will be nice to decompress in a place that I love so much. Even if I was frustrated with being here all semester (and maybe all year). It will be good to spend my gap week here instead of in Kewanee (at least I know that!)
The only thing keeping me so optimistic about this choice is the chance that Haylie will be in Iowa city next Saturday. Of course, the rest of the family will be there too. Yet it is Haylie who I miss the most! (and Midnight, but she won't be coming to Iowa City!)
aahhhhhh, big sigh of relief
I've made it this far, I am only 2 years away from the BA gold!
I always like coming back to Grinnell, and inorder to come back you have to leave. This will be by far the easiest semester to leave behind. I've been emotionally and intellectually challenged, but I leave this year with no baggage. All my papers are done and turned in, and I am not in love or even like with someone to the extent that I will miss them everyday that I am gone. This is a nice shift for someone like me who live through emotions so heavily.
The past couple of days I have really enjoyed the rain on my window. I feel as though so much of the semester was washed away with the rain. It was clensing for me (although it was cold during block party!)
I get to spend the next week here without real tough responsibilities. Just a few hours in the mail room. It will be nice to decompress in a place that I love so much. Even if I was frustrated with being here all semester (and maybe all year). It will be good to spend my gap week here instead of in Kewanee (at least I know that!)
The only thing keeping me so optimistic about this choice is the chance that Haylie will be in Iowa city next Saturday. Of course, the rest of the family will be there too. Yet it is Haylie who I miss the most! (and Midnight, but she won't be coming to Iowa City!)
aahhhhhh, big sigh of relief
I've made it this far, I am only 2 years away from the BA gold!
Friday, May 15, 2009
A personal step
We all make mistakes, we all take chances, we all have regrets. But, sometimes you do things that you do not regret. You can't put it into words, you can only think about it. Your brain produces great lyrics, but your mouth only lets out mush.
Today is my day. You have no idea how I feel. But this will end up happy. and collected.
Today is my day. You have no idea how I feel. But this will end up happy. and collected.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Thoughts on the meaning on 1917
Is this 1917???
This is not a topic that I can easily answer for you. It seems throughout my conscious life ideas, themes, people, and numerology have all pointed me back to the year 1917. Some of these instances have been less pronounced than others, and a few I have probably forgotten all together. Still other are a stretch to make coherent connections.
Yet, 1917 is important to me and will probably always remain so.
For all of you curious cats, I will try to formulate some of the more pronounced 1917 moments of my life so you can also see why I choose this idea as my inspiration.
(1) Amelia Earhart the woman who piloted the first solo female trans-atlantic flight, the first female cross county flight, the first female trans-pacific flight and many other solo female flights was 20 years old in 1917. If there ever was a women I could spend the rest of my life with, it was Amelia! I dream of going back in time and making her fall head over heels for me even if it means a set back in feminism. I wouldn’t say it is worth it, and I will be the first to admit it is selfish but if I had the choice I would probably take it.
(2) My second semester of College after one of my major breakdowns I went to meet with a professor about a horrible paper I had written. The paper was due the Monday after my G-Mons performance and I had totally blanked on it. Meaning I begged for an extension and out of sheer luck got 7 more glorious days to write it. Obviously I pushed it off until the Saturday night before the Monday morning it was due. Oops! When in his office we talked about focus a lot, because he said the paper was lacking a strong focus (this was mostly because I hadn’t really read the play [it was tech week!] and defiantly hadn’t understood the major themes). This story ends in my professor using the example of costume designing a play you would want to set in 1917. I did not prompt him to use this exact year, but there it was. He said the words, “and then you have to ask yourself, is this 1917 enough. Keep asking yourself that over and over again. Is this 1917 enough.” Needless to say, I freaked out and now I continuously need to know... is this 1917 enough (or is this 1917 at all!)
(3) 1917 was a year that started on a Monday. This is not anything special to anyone else, but it meant a 3 day weekend for those who observe the 1st as a holiday. The 1st is the Buddhist day to meditate for world peace - and I think it is ironic and amazing to do this on a monday.
In 1917 the first International Woman’s Day was celebrated in Russia, a huge step for this country!
(4) This is during WWI, and this is the year that the USA cuts of relations with Germany (Germany continues to spiral down after this move)
(5) J.R.R. Tolkien begins writing the original books of the lost tales, this begins the idea and story of Middle Earth. We all know how this ends.
(6) Splitting up 1-9-1-7 gives you some interesting number stuffs. My favorite beiing based off the joke “why is 10 afraid of 7. Because 7. 8. 9.” In this example: 7+1=8 9+1=10 read together I hear 7. 8. 9. 10. This also make more sense to me than anyone else because I tend to read words backwards because of my dyslexia.
(7) Lastly did you know that daylight savings time was first introduced in the UK during the year 1917. Think how different we would function without daylight savings time today.
This is not a topic that I can easily answer for you. It seems throughout my conscious life ideas, themes, people, and numerology have all pointed me back to the year 1917. Some of these instances have been less pronounced than others, and a few I have probably forgotten all together. Still other are a stretch to make coherent connections.
Yet, 1917 is important to me and will probably always remain so.
For all of you curious cats, I will try to formulate some of the more pronounced 1917 moments of my life so you can also see why I choose this idea as my inspiration.
(1) Amelia Earhart the woman who piloted the first solo female trans-atlantic flight, the first female cross county flight, the first female trans-pacific flight and many other solo female flights was 20 years old in 1917. If there ever was a women I could spend the rest of my life with, it was Amelia! I dream of going back in time and making her fall head over heels for me even if it means a set back in feminism. I wouldn’t say it is worth it, and I will be the first to admit it is selfish but if I had the choice I would probably take it.
(2) My second semester of College after one of my major breakdowns I went to meet with a professor about a horrible paper I had written. The paper was due the Monday after my G-Mons performance and I had totally blanked on it. Meaning I begged for an extension and out of sheer luck got 7 more glorious days to write it. Obviously I pushed it off until the Saturday night before the Monday morning it was due. Oops! When in his office we talked about focus a lot, because he said the paper was lacking a strong focus (this was mostly because I hadn’t really read the play [it was tech week!] and defiantly hadn’t understood the major themes). This story ends in my professor using the example of costume designing a play you would want to set in 1917. I did not prompt him to use this exact year, but there it was. He said the words, “and then you have to ask yourself, is this 1917 enough. Keep asking yourself that over and over again. Is this 1917 enough.” Needless to say, I freaked out and now I continuously need to know... is this 1917 enough (or is this 1917 at all!)
(3) 1917 was a year that started on a Monday. This is not anything special to anyone else, but it meant a 3 day weekend for those who observe the 1st as a holiday. The 1st is the Buddhist day to meditate for world peace - and I think it is ironic and amazing to do this on a monday.
In 1917 the first International Woman’s Day was celebrated in Russia, a huge step for this country!
(4) This is during WWI, and this is the year that the USA cuts of relations with Germany (Germany continues to spiral down after this move)
(5) J.R.R. Tolkien begins writing the original books of the lost tales, this begins the idea and story of Middle Earth. We all know how this ends.
(6) Splitting up 1-9-1-7 gives you some interesting number stuffs. My favorite beiing based off the joke “why is 10 afraid of 7. Because 7. 8. 9.” In this example: 7+1=8 9+1=10 read together I hear 7. 8. 9. 10. This also make more sense to me than anyone else because I tend to read words backwards because of my dyslexia.
(7) Lastly did you know that daylight savings time was first introduced in the UK during the year 1917. Think how different we would function without daylight savings time today.
someone to share the morning with
I had forgotten how much I love morning glow - the sun isn't rising yet but the sky is lightening and I am able to see different colours of blue and green from my 3rd floor window.
I miss early mornings, dew on my feet, the smell of summer sunrises.
I miss someone to share my mornings with
I miss oatmeal buddies, and love songs
I miss being a romantic [for you]
Time to find my P-card because I'm getting hungry and the morning is quickly approaching.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Good Morning Friends
Today enters the last week of my second year of College.
I started it by welcoming back Andrew Otto and saying good bye to James 3rd as we all know it today.
But I also got laundry done, and I'm on page 13 of my second 30 pager. That's nearly half... and it will probably end at 20-25 pages anyway.
So you are probably looking for today's though provoking idea. The thing is I started this post without an idea in mind, I just wanted to write.
Maybe I can share with you that I've gotten together two other writer who are going to write off prompts with me this summer. We will send something to each other each week via e-mail. I think this will be a productive writing circle. Maybe I will get out of my sad poetry and weird monologue phase. There are only so many monologues you can write before they all start to suck. and only so many sad poems can be mad before they lose their flame.
okay - here is my though. If I were to start testosterone (T) would I still take a woman's one-a-day vitamin or would I take the men's. You all may think this is an irrelevant though, but as a tranny it is a big question. Almost as big as pronouns and name! Maybe, I just have an irrational focus on the importance of vitamines and minerals in the body.
Thoughts?
I started it by welcoming back Andrew Otto and saying good bye to James 3rd as we all know it today.
But I also got laundry done, and I'm on page 13 of my second 30 pager. That's nearly half... and it will probably end at 20-25 pages anyway.
So you are probably looking for today's though provoking idea. The thing is I started this post without an idea in mind, I just wanted to write.
Maybe I can share with you that I've gotten together two other writer who are going to write off prompts with me this summer. We will send something to each other each week via e-mail. I think this will be a productive writing circle. Maybe I will get out of my sad poetry and weird monologue phase. There are only so many monologues you can write before they all start to suck. and only so many sad poems can be mad before they lose their flame.
okay - here is my though. If I were to start testosterone (T) would I still take a woman's one-a-day vitamin or would I take the men's. You all may think this is an irrelevant though, but as a tranny it is a big question. Almost as big as pronouns and name! Maybe, I just have an irrational focus on the importance of vitamines and minerals in the body.
Thoughts?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Irish Funeral Prayer
To add a little bit of culture into your life, and because my mother has asked me to learn it. I will post part of the Irish funeral prayer I am learning. I choose this part, because we sing a song at camp that has these same verses.
May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face.May the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, May the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand.
Now why must I learn this prayer, because I am to give it at my grandfathers funeral. I was informed of this today. No, he hasn't died and he is actually out of the hospital. Today when he talked to my mother he told her about an old Irish tradition and said that he gave the prayer at his grandfather's funeral and he would like if I gave it. The thing is he didn't want to ask me himself because he doesn't want me to think about him as dying. BAH, what a strange time of my life this is!
May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face.May the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, May the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand.
Now why must I learn this prayer, because I am to give it at my grandfathers funeral. I was informed of this today. No, he hasn't died and he is actually out of the hospital. Today when he talked to my mother he told her about an old Irish tradition and said that he gave the prayer at his grandfather's funeral and he would like if I gave it. The thing is he didn't want to ask me himself because he doesn't want me to think about him as dying. BAH, what a strange time of my life this is!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Remember that Tragedy?
Yes, I am talking about Women of Troy. The show I
costume designed. Here are a few photos of my work. I am still REALLY proud of it.
costume designed. Here are a few photos of my work. I am still REALLY proud of it.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
solid gold [LOVE]
The current time is 11:55 pm on Sunday night
I am in the computer science commons with free coffee and slightly stale brownies.
I have 27 pages written
and the first 15 pages of that have been edited and crafted into solid gold works of Epidemiology.
I am rocking out to Mika, thinking about how beautiful big girls really are.
Almost wanting to fall in love again, but remembering how busy I really am.
Sleep no longer exists since it is hell week
but this is alright
I smile as I wave through the huge glass windows at other friends.
3 more pages, 2 more topics to cover
15 more pages to edit
and 20 hours to do it in
I am golden - and happy to power though this
I want to give everyone I know right now a hug.
I want to be back at T.Ranch
No matter where I am in the world I am missing someone.
It is currently 12:00 am and I may be missing you!
just ask, then I am sure to think of you and smile.
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