2010 Grinnell Monologue: Presented in Bob's Underground Cafe

My Path to Enlightenment

I was not a promiscuous girl. As a child I did not show my private parts to any of my playmates, nor did I desire to see any of theirs. I did not explore my own genitalia until a much older age than most report, and even so I did not feel throbs of eroticism until my mid-high school years. I did not know the term orgasm until I was thirteen, and I didn't have my first until nineteen. I may have been a late erotic bloomer, but I have not wasted time in my life. It seems every time I come into the g-mons forum I am enlightened in a different way than the time before. Or I am struggling with the intersections of my own sexuality, sensuality and situations. I am in a constant battle to understand the nature of my sexual condition.

I have long prescribed to serial monogamy, and the rapid turn around from one relationship to the next seeking an outlet for my sexual tension and a net of emotional security in a single other person. This led to a roller-coaster of emotions as I struggled to understand myself in the havoc of post relationship and then in the honeymoon phase of the next.

After many earth shattering breakups I have decided I am done with investing my whole self and all my pieces into one basket. Instead, I am discovering my own promiscuity, intellectual desire and pleasure surrounding sexual relationships, or what I will refer to here as erotic play.

I have begun to construction a series of interpersonal relationships that circle around each other, but do not dissect or disturb each other. Each one is conscious of the next, and the continuation requires a great depth of communication and understanding. I have been doing this semi-unconsciously, before the recent past, with my ex-boyfriend. He constitutes the outward most ring of relationships in my life. The situations is such that, we remain in distant communication and if we find ourselves in the same spacial area we are likely to have coffee and an afternoon frolic. This hasn't happened since fall break of my first year (before he joined the Marines and became a very different person), yet he remains a distant lover and a source of erotic play in my life. This relationship required a much smaller amount of energy to maintain that other points of erotic play, yet is no less satisfying or meaningful than the ones it orbits.

In order to understand and construct the remaining sources of erotic play in my life, it is important to understand that conditioned monogamy leaves little room for this type of promiscuity. There seems to be conflict between fucking and the rest of human activity. I believe that fucking or other erotic play is equally part of the human experience and the transition between them should be as fluid as the moving from a activity such as eating, to and activity such as studying. I define erotic play far outside the bounds of fucking, sucking and touching, though, because I derive erotic play from flirting and nonsexual relationships. These traditionally nonsexual encounters are included in the construction of circles, because I am creating connections and play that satisfy me in very different yet distinct ways. Before I began my pursuit of promiscuous circles, I sharply divided my romantic relationship from my less than romantic relationships. The inner most ring, was held for supreme sexual pursuit, usually monogamous, and the outer rings were only being utilized when the middle circle was vacant. The sexual circles that surround the base circle consist of single night hook-ups and lasting sexual relationships and well as flirtatious physical relationships which don't lead to fucking. These basic aspects travel over to my current model of relationship building with a very important addition, my own personal emotional understanding of these relationships and how they fulfill me and change me.

At anytime these relationships have the possibility to shift placement in the circles. A once close lover may slip into the further bounds of my circle, where I would only seek them out monthly or less than that, while someone who was less frequently a member of my life may come into a more consistent relationship with me. I am also open to the shift of a non-sexual flirtatious person into a physically driven source of erotic play, or visa-versa. I am in a place where I can accept this fluctuation openly and without hesitation, because I understand I am also shifting places in the life of those around me. I can now see the existence and fluidity of my primary partner and the rings which surround him/her/zer from my other sources of erotic play. I am also still able to find some sense of emotional security with a primary partner, without completely investing myself in that one person.

Emotional and physical security is a major tenant which leads erotic play into monogamous coupling, I am not trying to devalue the security we feel with one individual, instead I am urging for a different level of security with two, three or more individuals. There is a strong connection that two erotically sexual lovers have for each other. Two lovers create a level of comfort reached through erotic play that can be healthy and satisfying, yet when we start to define ourselves through these relationship it can leading to coupling. Coupling is something I am now more hesitant to indulge in. This is because of the eventual fading and shifting of relationship in our lives. When I've placed too much value on one situation, I have been left hopeless when the erotic or emotional aspect of this person has left our life.

I still have individuals that I hold closer than others both physically and emotionally, but I am Choosint to define each relationship separately. I'd also like to make clear that I am not simply fucking around, in fact I am in drastically fewer sexual situations than is normal for me when outside of a monogamous relationship.

Finally, I do not subscribe to indiscriminate and evasive coupling, that promiscuity normally get's a bad name for. Instead, I am excited by the idea of progressing and exploring new bodies both physically and intellectually. I hope to have found yet another plane of sexual enlightenment which I hope will lead to working interpersonal relationships. This existence is teaching me a lot about myself, my sensuality and my sexuality. I've learned about attachment and jealously towards others. I've also worked on healthy communication and relationships. In my new system, I do not have a claim on any of the individuals in my life, and they do not have a claim on me so I am free to explore what feels good in the moment. Without the huge emotional lose of self if something goes wrong or changed in these relationships.

Next time I enter this forum I may be monogamous, celibate, or further liberated from those bounds, never-the-less I have no choice but to understand these changes as the nature of my sexual condition. This is my current path – my path to enlightened promiscuity.