You don't have to run to know what resistance feels like

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Trail Work


This morning three councilors and myself decided to wake up and hike the middle length trail we have here at Tomahawk ranch. We set off just after 10 am with the idea that we would hike up at a really slow pace and do some trail marking. The trails here at Tomahawk are all over marked or completely bare. It's an issue that some of us are really concerned about fixing.

So we hiked for about an hour of the trail and did a lot of spraying markers with a really bright orange and taking down the markers that didn't make sense anymore or were too old to be useful.

The pictures here are the view from the first rock - we didn't make it to the top of the trail and to the second rock because a storm was starting to come in and we didn't want to get stuck in any rain and lightning.

So with the thunder warning us we made our way back down and sprayed all the down markers as well. All in all, it was a productive hike and I learned I'm not as out of shape as i thought I was going to be. Now the rain is done again and I can continue my lazy Saturday.

Tomorrow starts staff training 8am until 10pm
YIPPY!!!! CAMP

Friday, May 29, 2009

Day 1 - Tomahawk

Last year at camp:
I made my own toothpaste
used salt stone deodorant
had really short hair
I only drank out of glass


This year at camp:
I use Toms of Maines vegan toothpaste
I make my own deodorant - because salt stone is too cold
I have moderately short hair
I use ‘real’ water bottles now



I am still the resident Hippy
Let the summer begin!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Traveling

On the Bus I decided to write a lot of stories about different my travel experiences. Below you can read them at your leisure!
I'm at Banana's house now in Colorado and the travel wasn't bad just very long. I had some rough patches, and my legs falling asleep.



Just today

This morning is was lightly misting rain when I arrived at the bus station in Des Moines with Kate Baumgartner. The station itself was closed seeing as it wasj memorial day and well after Mid-night. We decided to stay in the car and chat. While talking we realized one small problem - if the bus station has been closed all day I have no way to get my actual ticket. We end up calling Greyhound, and I’m a little stressed at this point - because if I can’t get on the bus I think I may actually die. The person on the other end of the phone reassured me that if I had me refference number the driver would take me to the next open station and we would get a ticket there. With a little sweet talking and the normal Nikki charm I was on the bus. The next open station wasn’t until Kansas City my change over city. After getting off the bus the driver took me to the ticket counter, said “We are not waiting in line!” and we went right to the front. I checked my bags and got official tags for them, got my real tickets, and was sent on my way. Saving myself probably 20 minutes in line!



Church and Beer
Once on a trip to Cologne (Köln) Germany with a couple of friends we decided to get some real Kölnish, a dark beer made in the city. Being the exchange student that I was, after drinking my bottle of beer I decided to put it into my bag. A few hours later we were in the famous cathedral on Köln. We were kneeling on one of the prayer benches half way back when the bottle clanged out of my bag. It made the unmistakable sound of beer bottle glass rolling and bouncing on stone floors. The old ladies of the church didn’t seem happy, but just as quickly as we came my friends and I were gone. I still have the empty Kölnish bottle on my dresser at home.


We are everywhere!
Winter break my first year I did a 13 day backpacking adventure throughout the midwest (for under $200). My first trip was from Kewanee, IL to Chicago, IL. I was headed to see Mona Ghadiri and friends. The trip up to Chicago was pretty uneventful. I still had the sugar gliders at the time and they were nestled into my sports bra comfortably napping. When we got to Union Station I somehow got myself a little turned around and couldn’t find the metro that I needed to take to Mona’s. In the train station I ran into 4 Grinnellians, 2 independently and another couple together. It was exactly the refershing boosted I needed that day in Union Station.




Well lubricated
On the way back from San Fransico, Spring Break my first year on a red eye flight. That mean’s it was flying after midnight and before 6 am. Our particular flight was at 2.30 in the morning to Omaha Nebraska. We were all sitting in the San Fransico airport. I had decided to take a nap under some of the chairs and I woke up a little bit over an hour latter to the cackle of a woman. She was actually talking to a boy named Kyle who I was traveling with and every so often would let out a shriek of a laugh. Her and her friends had decided to drink before the 2 am flight, and were “well lubricated” as she called it (repeatedly). I found myself awake and in awe by this woman’s stature, clothing, and voice (however shrill it was). She started to flit with me not long after I sat up off the floor and into a chair. I left the conversation with her business card, that I glued into my travel journal and haven’t looked at since that trip.


Snowy rights or lefts
I was in Hamburg Germany at a March retreat. Hamburg is pretty far North, and the day I had traveled it had been snowing. I was not prepared for how windy it was going to be in Hamburg. Two other students on my program and I got off the train and followed the print out instructions to the U-Bahn, or subway. We got off the U-Bahn at the right stop and followed the directions up the stairs and to the right. We were suppose to walk 2 blocks to the youth hostel. So 3 blocks later we were really confused when we couldn’t find this place. One of the other students ended up making a phone call and it turns out we went up the “wrong” stairs so we should have taken a left instead of a right. By this time we are all tired, hungry, and cold. So we start walking back the other way. We have to go 5 blocks now in the windy northern cold. By the time we all got to the hostile we were bleak and didn’t feel like doing much of anything, but we still had to climb 3 flights of stairs to get to our rooms, which we then shared with 7 other people.


Homeless in Chicago
After some housing confusions in Chicago my girlfriend at the time and I were a bit more nomadic than we would have liked. This meant one afternoon was spent wandering the city streets of Chicago looking in shop windows. It was cold, and snow started to fall down around us when we decided to call it a day and head back to Union Station where we were storing our things and then catch the metro back to where we had found housing for the night. We got that train ride out of the city free as well, because of a found ticket on the ground!



Flight into Germany
The international flight from Washington DC to Frankfurt AM (am Main) went compleatly smoothly. I got my passport stamped at customs with little questions asked, and luckily asked in English. The major stress of the adventure was when we had to run up 3 flights of stairs with carry on luggage and then to the very last terminal and the very last gate to catch our plane. Then when we got there we realized we had read the information wrong and had plenty of time. In my group of 4 Americans, I spoke the best German which really meant I understood most of what people were saying to me. It was a stressful plane flight as we were officially alone in Germany.



Bus rides
Figuring out the bus and train and subway system of a new city is almost the most interesting thing for me. I have a map and it tells me where things are and I use the subway or bus map to figure out how to get there. I was in Hannover, best know as one of the 2006 World Cup cities. I had been in Germany for about 2 weeks at this time and I stood staring at a bus map. An older man was sitting on a bench and I thought for a long time how to phrase the question, “does bus 25 go to Hösen?” I am not sure how or what I said to him because even after my delieration her yelled at me! All I remember him saying is those who are in Germany should learn to speak proper German. I took that to heart and from that day was very dedicated to know my way around and to mastering the language enough to fool old men. Years latter at a table in the Grille I was able to talk to some German speaking profs in Grinnell for a symposium and they asked if German was my native language. Later that same week at German Table I sat next to a German man who was impressed by my language skills and also thought I was German or native to the tongue.


The hot chocolate emergency
I was sleeping in a greyhound bus. I got on the bus at 2.15 and around 3.30 I decided it was time to trust the people around me and sleep some. I had been writing on my computer, and I just couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. Using Bahba as a pillow, clutching my pocket full up with my ipob blasting music, my wallet with all my information and money in it, and my cell phone, and with my computer on the seat as well I decided to curl up into a ball and try and sleep some. My head was closest to the bus wall and my feel were towards the middle of the bus. All around me in the dark bus I know everyone is sleeping, but I can not see any of them. I allow myself to drift into sleep. around 4.15am I am awoken by a man who says to me, “ we had a hot chocolate emergency and I sit with you?” I sit up in an instant and tell him of course he can. He goes on to say that his seat neighbor had spilled hot chocolate and he didn’t want to deal with the sticky sugary mess so he decided to find a new seat. After this explanation I realized I was dealing with an autistic individual. Our conversation only solidified that claim to me as we talked about the rain.

Monday, May 25, 2009

missin' you

Gettin' on that late night bus
it's ganna take me far away from here
ganna take me far from you
ganna take me near to you

Colorado - I'm coming home
Iowa - I'm leaving home

No matter where I am in the world
I'm missing someone
right now I'm missin' you
oh - right now I'm missin' you




11.30 - leaving Grinnell
12.30 - arrive at bus station
12.45 - claim tickets
2.10 - Leave on that greyhound bus

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I want to hold your hand




I have been postpoing my next blog post because I was so content with my last one, and I simply do not want to fuck up my mood. So I will talk at you a little bit today about taking time for myself.

since leaving Grant McCracken as mentioned in the last post I’ve been spending a lot of time reading and writing, and away from Grinnell College and other students. Of course in the mail room I’ve had interactions, but my nights have been spent mostly in the comfort of Kate Baumgartner’s extra bed, or the space right in front of it.

This has been a time for me to wind-down from the awful semester that I just ended. Which left me with a caffeine addiction, a nicotine addiction, a hate for D. Campbell, and a big bite of confusion. I left Read 2nd confused about myself, confused about my friends, confused about Grinnell, and confused about what I wanted to do next.

These last few days have been emotionally rewarding. As well as physically detoxing! No, I have not broken my caffeine nor my nicotine addictions, but I have take a huge step back from both. I even went 24 hours without a cigarette and around 10 waking hours without caffeine.

I needed to take some time to recharge because I am about to face the summer, where I am surrounded by girls 24 hours a day from Sunday afternoons until Friday afternoons. I do get 3 hour breaks everyday but Thursday, yet I still worry about the girls and about other camp related stuff. Yet, I am so excited and motivated for this summer. I’ve been looking forward to it for a few months now.

I’ve spent my time reading, writing, gardening, and enjoying silence. I couldn’t be happier with staying in a night, or being bored for a hour. But this all must end soon as Tuesday morning at 2.20 am my bus leaves Des Moines and I am off towards my next adventure.

Before then I must pack food, do laundry, see a few people, and sleep. I add sleep into this, because I’ve not been sleeping regularly. My nights don’t end until well after 2 am. This sleep cycle will kick my ass at camp, so I need to get into gear this next week.

Along with recharging, I got my family dose yesterday. My 6 year old sister, 4 year old brother, greying father, and pregnant step-mum all came to Grinnell for the day. We spent time in the park. Went for a swim. Talked to Zoe on skype. I got my Kewanee gossip and Family gossip from my dad and step-mum. This happened while I stared at the celine in the hotel room and the talked on either side of me. I played with toys. We coloured. Levi caught me singing to Pokemon theme song and made me sing it again. Instead I put on my i-tunes. Then we continued to listen to the who album with the visualizer on. I unfortunately fell asleep and woke up to Haylie staring at me. (This is a normal occurrence at home) It made me super home sick, but in only 81 more days I will see her again (and my cat)!


Now I am ready to run away to Colorado with the choppy cell phone reception, cold mountain air, girl scouts, and summer stories.

I will report back to you all about my 15 hours in greyhound buses, and my stay with Banana. Until then - happy travels in your own lives. Weather they are big or small!


p.s the title of this post refers to all of you in the world I am missing right now. consider your hands held tight ^_^

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

clear your head for a moment



Last night as I rode home - leaving Cleveland for the last time for 3 months my thought suddenly became clear as day. I even stopped my bike to talk them through with myself. The overarching theme of my thoughts landed with the fact that we are always changing.

Actually it started with me thinking about love (not unusual I know). I was thinking about how I love my friends, and family, and significant others, but how can we really love someone forever. We have a fascination with happily ever after long term love linked to long term marriage. It’s the American fairy book ending shoved at us every-time we enter the subway or

I will now crush my own hopelessly romantic dreams with one assertive statement. I think that it is impossible to love someone forever. I do believe, though, that we are capable of being in love with someone on a day to day basis.

Our interactions with people, books, TV, internet, animals, nature, and ourself constantly challenge and reaffirm our values and beliefs. Even a week after meeting someone they have already began to change and be a more complex person. This is because of the constant outside forces that make us excited about something, or turned off to something. Even something we once really liked could become something we no longer enjoy overnight. We constantly have to keep up with our own changes and the changes of those whom we love.

We know who we are and that possibly changes every single second. Sometimes we are affected by a change and we don’t know who we are for a while. I am not writing about huge life changing events and decisions, but instead about very small, simple unseen changed that build up over time. These small changes make us who we are. These changes educate our political leanings, what words we use, what we talk about, what we strive for, our passions, and much more about our personalities and lives.

Take this example:
You are sitting drinking coffee with your lover, one second everything is fine but in the next second things seem to have changed. We often talk about not having seen things coming when something bad is said or done to us. I think this is a flaw of mankind. Of course we are creatures of environment and we react to stimulus from others, so it is easy to blame one specific thing for another specific thing. But, I believe that the small moments right before a decision is made or something bad happens do not affect the person enough to be counted as influential. In some cases it is true that the moments before a decision is made are used for deliberation. In which case, those are critical moments. The point is, no one thing changes everything. Instead it is a bunch of small things that add up over time, until they become something.

It takes a lot of work to be in love, let alone to be in love forever. It’s a lot of pressure to know your partner so completely to reaffirm that you should be together forever. We have to be open and ready for the minor little changed that we don’t see in our significant others. We have to be ready for surprises, and quick to adapt. We have to understand we are changing as well, and it is okay to change or mind or stance about something. Communication from small spark to small moment is crucial. Living from one big moment to the next means we lose sight of the development and miss a lot about the person.

I am not going to say it is easy to know about the little moments. I am not aware of all my little moments. The effort to see what’s going on inside of a person and to be truly open so they can see you too is complicated and frightening. But it is only then when you are living for the moments and from the small moments can you truly be in love with someone, instead of being in love with the person you met.



The picture at the top is a shot of my window early last September
I thought it was fitting to my overall mood

cigarettes and sprouts

Some days all I think about living my life in a tiny little apartment. I will never close my window, though I will draw the blinds. I will grow sprouts in jars, from all types of beans and greens. I will grow greens in all of my open window space. I will buy from local farmers markets at a downtown plaza.

I will write with fury, and go to work to save lives.
I will be happy in this life.

I will have filtered water.



Today's thoughts on sprouts:
Spring is a time when all the flowers and trees begin to open up and become beautiful. All winter long I am able to grow sprouts and have little bursts of spring in my life. Each time I eat a sprout I think about spring. It is beautiful and wonderful.
You should all try it.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Being alone

Right now I am in the process of packing up my room. It makes me really upset, but it also reminds me how bad I am at being alone with myself.

Right now this is the real me, going into boxes and I hate it. I touch each article of clothing, and eat piece of stuff but most of it is still void of meaning. I have so much material but so little story.

I make phone calls, all in vain. I take pain pills hoping my head stops spinning.
There is an apple on my desk, I don't think I will ever eat it. So much potential simply lost.
I realize the answers to questions about 15 minutes too late.

Time doesn't stand still and neither do I.
we are all so full of crap.

at least I can feel my heartbeat
that tells me I'm still alive
thoughts that don't run together
like eggs

paint a nice picture
it will make you smile
spend time alone with yourself.
thinking about yourself

you may be surprised what you find.

Update on the state of my existance (1 of 1)

It is the end of my second year of college, and I have been through many ups and downs this year. I must say, I am happy to be leaving Grinnell for a while. I am getting a little itchy for an adventure. Also i have been exsiting on oatmeal and spouts and coffee for about a week and a half now. My stomach just doesn't really want much else. (except the Perkins we ate last night was delicious!)

I always like coming back to Grinnell, and inorder to come back you have to leave. This will be by far the easiest semester to leave behind. I've been emotionally and intellectually challenged, but I leave this year with no baggage. All my papers are done and turned in, and I am not in love or even like with someone to the extent that I will miss them everyday that I am gone. This is a nice shift for someone like me who live through emotions so heavily.

The past couple of days I have really enjoyed the rain on my window. I feel as though so much of the semester was washed away with the rain. It was clensing for me (although it was cold during block party!)

I get to spend the next week here without real tough responsibilities. Just a few hours in the mail room. It will be nice to decompress in a place that I love so much. Even if I was frustrated with being here all semester (and maybe all year). It will be good to spend my gap week here instead of in Kewanee (at least I know that!)

The only thing keeping me so optimistic about this choice is the chance that Haylie will be in Iowa city next Saturday. Of course, the rest of the family will be there too. Yet it is Haylie who I miss the most! (and Midnight, but she won't be coming to Iowa City!)

aahhhhhh, big sigh of relief
I've made it this far, I am only 2 years away from the BA gold!

Friday, May 15, 2009

A personal step

We all make mistakes, we all take chances, we all have regrets. But, sometimes you do things that you do not regret. You can't put it into words, you can only think about it. Your brain produces great lyrics, but your mouth only lets out mush.


Today is my day. You have no idea how I feel. But this will end up happy. and collected.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Thoughts on the meaning on 1917

Is this 1917???

This is not a topic that I can easily answer for you. It seems throughout my conscious life ideas, themes, people, and numerology have all pointed me back to the year 1917. Some of these instances have been less pronounced than others, and a few I have probably forgotten all together. Still other are a stretch to make coherent connections.

Yet, 1917 is important to me and will probably always remain so.

For all of you curious cats, I will try to formulate some of the more pronounced 1917 moments of my life so you can also see why I choose this idea as my inspiration.

(1) Amelia Earhart the woman who piloted the first solo female trans-atlantic flight, the first female cross county flight, the first female trans-pacific flight and many other solo female flights was 20 years old in 1917. If there ever was a women I could spend the rest of my life with, it was Amelia! I dream of going back in time and making her fall head over heels for me even if it means a set back in feminism. I wouldn’t say it is worth it, and I will be the first to admit it is selfish but if I had the choice I would probably take it.

(2) My second semester of College after one of my major breakdowns I went to meet with a professor about a horrible paper I had written. The paper was due the Monday after my G-Mons performance and I had totally blanked on it. Meaning I begged for an extension and out of sheer luck got 7 more glorious days to write it. Obviously I pushed it off until the Saturday night before the Monday morning it was due. Oops! When in his office we talked about focus a lot, because he said the paper was lacking a strong focus (this was mostly because I hadn’t really read the play [it was tech week!] and defiantly hadn’t understood the major themes). This story ends in my professor using the example of costume designing a play you would want to set in 1917. I did not prompt him to use this exact year, but there it was. He said the words, “and then you have to ask yourself, is this 1917 enough. Keep asking yourself that over and over again. Is this 1917 enough.” Needless to say, I freaked out and now I continuously need to know... is this 1917 enough (or is this 1917 at all!)

(3) 1917 was a year that started on a Monday. This is not anything special to anyone else, but it meant a 3 day weekend for those who observe the 1st as a holiday. The 1st is the Buddhist day to meditate for world peace - and I think it is ironic and amazing to do this on a monday.
In 1917 the first International Woman’s Day was celebrated in Russia, a huge step for this country!

(4) This is during WWI, and this is the year that the USA cuts of relations with Germany (Germany continues to spiral down after this move)

(5) J.R.R. Tolkien begins writing the original books of the lost tales, this begins the idea and story of Middle Earth. We all know how this ends.

(6) Splitting up 1-9-1-7 gives you some interesting number stuffs. My favorite beiing based off the joke “why is 10 afraid of 7. Because 7. 8. 9.”
In this example: 7+1=8 9+1=10 read together I hear 7. 8. 9. 10. This also make more sense to me than anyone else because I tend to read words backwards because of my dyslexia.

(7) Lastly did you know that daylight savings time was first introduced in the UK during the year 1917. Think how different we would function without daylight savings time today.

someone to share the morning with




I had forgotten how much I love morning glow - the sun isn't rising yet but the sky is lightening and I am able to see different colours of blue and green from my 3rd floor window.
I miss early mornings, dew on my feet, the smell of summer sunrises.
I miss someone to share my mornings with
I miss oatmeal buddies, and love songs
I miss being a romantic [for you]







Time to find my P-card because I'm getting hungry and the morning is quickly approaching.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Good Morning Friends

Today enters the last week of my second year of College.
I started it by welcoming back Andrew Otto and saying good bye to James 3rd as we all know it today.

But I also got laundry done, and I'm on page 13 of my second 30 pager. That's nearly half... and it will probably end at 20-25 pages anyway.


So you are probably looking for today's though provoking idea. The thing is I started this post without an idea in mind, I just wanted to write.

Maybe I can share with you that I've gotten together two other writer who are going to write off prompts with me this summer. We will send something to each other each week via e-mail. I think this will be a productive writing circle. Maybe I will get out of my sad poetry and weird monologue phase. There are only so many monologues you can write before they all start to suck. and only so many sad poems can be mad before they lose their flame.



okay - here is my though. If I were to start testosterone (T) would I still take a woman's one-a-day vitamin or would I take the men's. You all may think this is an irrelevant though, but as a tranny it is a big question. Almost as big as pronouns and name! Maybe, I just have an irrational focus on the importance of vitamines and minerals in the body.

Thoughts?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Irish Funeral Prayer

To add a little bit of culture into your life, and because my mother has asked me to learn it. I will post part of the Irish funeral prayer I am learning. I choose this part, because we sing a song at camp that has these same verses.


May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face.May the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, May the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand.


Now why must I learn this prayer, because I am to give it at my grandfathers funeral. I was informed of this today. No, he hasn't died and he is actually out of the hospital. Today when he talked to my mother he told her about an old Irish tradition and said that he gave the prayer at his grandfather's funeral and he would like if I gave it. The thing is he didn't want to ask me himself because he doesn't want me to think about him as dying. BAH, what a strange time of my life this is!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Remember that Tragedy?

Yes, I am talking about Women of Troy. The show I

costume designed. Here are a few photos of my work. I am still REALLY proud of it.








Sunday, May 3, 2009

solid gold [LOVE]


The current time is 11:55 pm on Sunday night

I am in the computer science commons with free coffee and slightly stale brownies.

I have 27 pages written
and the first 15 pages of that have been edited and crafted into solid gold works of Epidemiology.

I am rocking out to Mika, thinking about how beautiful big girls really are.
Almost wanting to fall in love again, but remembering how busy I really am.

Sleep no longer exists since it is hell week
but this is alright

I smile as I wave through the huge glass windows at other friends.
3 more pages, 2 more topics to cover
15 more pages to edit
and 20 hours to do it in

I am golden - and happy to power though this
I want to give everyone I know right now a hug.

I want to be back at T.Ranch
No matter where I am in the world I am missing someone.
It is currently 12:00 am and I may be missing you!

just ask, then I am sure to think of you and smile.