The Reason I Feel This Way

Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

anger is defined as a strong feeing of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

rage is defined as violent, uncontrollable anger.


My anger is raging and yet I am filled with frightening alarm and panic when I think about campus and stepping foot onto it. This fear is deep inside of me, rooted into a place that I can not touch.

The story: This weekend death threats when up around my campus geared towards faggots and queers. Someone carved into a bathroom door hateful and frightening words that resonate through the community and shake the ties that are already infuriated and unsteady. Our campus is dividing, and hurting in a whole new series of ways, and for once I feel out of control and helpless. I can sit in a room and feel safe reclaiming small spaces at a time. I do not believe that I will reclaim all of the spaces though. We can take action, but I am ever fully aware of retaliation and the ability for counter actions to occur.

Many small things have lead up to this last weekend, and the one before it causing the breakdown of safety and trust. 76 women we targeted last weekend in acts of misogyny, a term I am not trowing around lightly. These women were hurt by men in their lives and communities that they thought they knew and trusted. In some cases their own girlfriends where the butt of the jokes. I am not pinning the acts on one person, or even on a group of people instead I want to focus on the internal mindset and pack mentality that continuously leads to this sort of violence. I do not believe the men actually meant harm onto the women, but the blatant lack of disrespect in something we can not hide from or brush under the rug. I think there is a lot more sequestered than many of us are willing to admit.

So, here goes. I am an angry, fearful, ashamed, out-and-loud, queer, trans person who currently holds fear and internal bias against many white straight men at the college and in my life. The bias has always been with me, with out my consent or my desire to have it. I hate to admit it, but my inclination is deep within me and comes from years of hate and threat from my small community growing up. It comes from the fear I felt in gym class after coming out in high school. It comes from the peer pressure that accompanied me leaving the cheerleading squad, and the deep resentment I still feel inside of me because of this. I was fearful in my community as a junior high and high school stunted, but I lived with that fear and addressed it and became a gay role model in my conservative high school setting. I've tried to move on through the horrible things that happened to me, through the hate and fear I felt in that environment and more importantly away from my classification of straight males as the enemy. It has been hard, and I admit I don't even know or assume the acts against queers this weekend were carried out by an individual who identifies as straight or male, but when I move through the community it is these individuals who I perceive as more of a threat to me personally. These are the words and thoughts that I hide in my darkness, that I attempt to not act upon or through. I think we may all have something hiding in the dark that we react to on a cellular level and that can not washed away too easily.


At Grinnell, I am expected still to fulfill that role, but now I am expected to have a level head and control my fear and anger in a just and responsible manner. I am expected to discuss with members of my community who I fear the most, my emotions and my hesitations and my hopes for moving forward. And the fear and resentment is deep inside of me, mostly untapped until something like this weekend's events happen. Then it manifests itself though shortening of breath when I enter or exit certain spaces. It manifests through the isolation I feel in large groups, and the paranoia I have when walking, especially aline. My mouth gets dry, my heart races and my mind goes numb filling only with the voices and images of my past that strike fear into my heart, mind and body. It is physically and mentally debilitating, yet it is internal and personal and almost impossible to detect unless you are living inside of me.

The members of the community who are affected by this the most, the victims are always looked to for the driving force. Action can firstly not be taken without their consent and secondly often involves their own initiative and motivation. The members devastated are the first t react and many are asked or expected to become the face and the drive, even if some remain anonymous we do not expect the strongest and the most ready to step forward and react.

In a way that is what I am doing here, I am reacting and letting my voice be heard. Even through the pain and fear I have to continue to live and react and thrive.

resistance happens

I have hit a mental road blog in my running process, but I have the confidence necessary to over come it. Indoors in the treadmill I am clocking 3 - 10 minute miles on a low level hill intensity. However when I am outside I can only go about .5 miles until dread and doom infiltrate my brain and cause me pain and anguish in my body.

I know it is a mental thing. I know that I am in shape enough to run the easy couple of miles I am setting in front of me. Somehow though my brain is overriding my physically capability and causing me to fail at said goals.

Now, I have done a bit of reading and almost all signs point to mentality tricking your brain into forgetting that you are running, or focusing on something else in order to not think about running.

I have decided that on the treadmill I am capable of relaxing my mind and simply running because I can not see the goal so I can not fail to reach it. The treadmill will keep going even if I fall off the back too, so I have to suck it up and keep up. Outside however I often decide I will go a certian distance, normally marked by a set course and start finish. Right now in my training I can not focus on starts and finishes. Having a goal just reminds me that I am not always able to reach it.

Thus, I have concluded that tomorrow instead of saying I will do 2 miles outside then weight lift before doing another 2 miles inside. I will say that I will spend 20 minutes running outside, without a set place to run then go to the gym. This way I may spend longer than 20 minutes running and I will hopefully be taken some place in Grinnell that I have never gone before.

Mind over running. I am going to get the mentality of running down. It's just like meditation, and I can't wait to me a meditative runner. It is just going to take a little more patience and time on my part to get all the way there.

Tranny poetry

I don't think I will ever sleep again. The ladies at the health center tell me that I will get better. That it will only take some time. I've started to get to a point though where it doesn't matter. I am awake all of the time, even when I am asleep my thoughts aren't. I think about pounding away at the computer, writing words into the screen. Poetry and rhythm.

Last night I slept 3 hours, but I was dreaming the entire time, meaning I couldn't sleep soundly. Nothing I do can change this. This is just who I am becoming.

I don't even believe the health center anymore, I don't think I will get better. And that scared me.


At least I am writing DAMN good poetry.