I've been spending the past few weeks, and specifically the last few days trying to express myself clearly. Because this has become such a huge preoccupation of mine, I fail to find anything worth blogging about. I've almost become more attached to my thoughts, and in that more introverted in dialogue.

Today I am writing because I solidified a friendship that pulls at my poetic strings.

Also because I want to do a little shameless self promoting.
I have a radio show on Wednesday's at 11pm
It's called Writers on Whiskey, where in one of my close friends and I drink a little whiskey and read you bedtime stories. It's going to be epic.

Our first show is tomorrow, check it here if you want to listen.

Doughnut Tears

Yesterday, evening my body was finally able to release a lot of the stress and tension it has been holding inside for too long. I cried. I cried for many things, for joy and pain and change. Interestingly enough the tear were not brought on by another traumatic event, or by hurting. They instead were caused by the thought of doughnuts. Most people do not know the level of love I have for doughnuts in my life, there are many stories that can be told about doughnuts and pastries and how I've lived with them over time. Yet the delicious fatty dough has not passed my pallet in more time that I am happy to admit. This is because they are filled with things that make me very sick.

Yesterday, Micheal decided that my allergy should not be tied directly into my health food habits, therefore he is making me doughnuts and crab ragoons. The thought of doughnuts sparked the different types of fillings and glazes, consuming my mind with fried sugary goodness. I began talking about the types I like and the different combination I go for, becoming more and more emotional in the process until my eyes were full of tears and I was sobbing in Michael's arms.

Somehow Doughnuts healed me, and allowed me to experience emotions that I was hiding far under the surface. I was able to process a lot that has been going on around me and let go of the things that needed to go.

I can not wait to bite into one of these doughnuts over the weekend.

Bread

it's what I do

numeric social order

Numbers have a consciousness that includes themselves and the number than comes directly before them. Even still that number which comes directly before any other given number only exists, because it allows for the next number in the series to exists. Numbers do not care what comes after them. A number does not understand that the number which comes after it, is looking towards it in order to understand it's own existence. Number care a great deal about the sum of their parts. This is because, in order for a number to exists outside of it's line in secession it must be created through operations of mathematics. Numbers are therefore encouraged to understand what makes them, although they are limited by laws and orders, dictating how they are to be formed.

I like a number allow myself to be encouraged.
I like a number are curious and selfish and even lonely.
I like a number care a great deal about the sum of my parts.

therefore, I am a number.

DEUTSCHLAND FUSSBALL

Let the colors speak for themselves.
Scwartz, Rot, Gold

Germany vs Australia

are you ready?

Glasses of Water

What does it mean to be living in the moment? I am not fully convinced this is the healtiest or happiest way to live. I've been trying to block out or control the amount of things I think about that are outside of my present environment or experience. Yet, this only allows the nostalgia and emotions to build up around those things. Thus, when I do inevitably think about them I am filled with more grief and sentiment than I am necessarily willing to fell.

Yet, our inability to control emotions is part of the beauty and nature of them.

In the wake of 'When We Were Orphans' (a good book)

There is a certain number of things I have marked as impossible in my life. Currently I muse about the impossibility of reading all of the "good" books in the world. Regardless of the tastes embedded in the term "good" I firstly do not read all of the languages of the world, which significantly decreases my available literature even those in translation. Secondly, books that are deemed "good" in a highly praised way are constantly being produced. Thus, one can never fully have a grasp on the concept and breadth of good books to begin with.

Love is Contagious

During finals week, my campus we torn by grief and depression and stress and fear and hurt. As a community we were broken and hurting. I was racked, and confused and hurting in my own way and decided to start a paper crane making project. It ended up being a lot more successful than I ever imagined, totaling 1132 cranes by Wednesday night.

I needed something to keep myself together, and the cranes gave me a puropose and a reason to be somewhere. Keeping me from being along or dwelling by myself. I am very thankful for everyone who participated and needed the cranes in their own way.


The photo was taken when we put all the cranes on a table to give away. 500 more cranes were gifted to the project on Thursday morning and over the summer I am going to sting the cranes so that they can hang in the windows of the Stonewall Resource Center (our queer hub).

The Reason I Feel This Way

Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

anger is defined as a strong feeing of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

rage is defined as violent, uncontrollable anger.


My anger is raging and yet I am filled with frightening alarm and panic when I think about campus and stepping foot onto it. This fear is deep inside of me, rooted into a place that I can not touch.

The story: This weekend death threats when up around my campus geared towards faggots and queers. Someone carved into a bathroom door hateful and frightening words that resonate through the community and shake the ties that are already infuriated and unsteady. Our campus is dividing, and hurting in a whole new series of ways, and for once I feel out of control and helpless. I can sit in a room and feel safe reclaiming small spaces at a time. I do not believe that I will reclaim all of the spaces though. We can take action, but I am ever fully aware of retaliation and the ability for counter actions to occur.

Many small things have lead up to this last weekend, and the one before it causing the breakdown of safety and trust. 76 women we targeted last weekend in acts of misogyny, a term I am not trowing around lightly. These women were hurt by men in their lives and communities that they thought they knew and trusted. In some cases their own girlfriends where the butt of the jokes. I am not pinning the acts on one person, or even on a group of people instead I want to focus on the internal mindset and pack mentality that continuously leads to this sort of violence. I do not believe the men actually meant harm onto the women, but the blatant lack of disrespect in something we can not hide from or brush under the rug. I think there is a lot more sequestered than many of us are willing to admit.

So, here goes. I am an angry, fearful, ashamed, out-and-loud, queer, trans person who currently holds fear and internal bias against many white straight men at the college and in my life. The bias has always been with me, with out my consent or my desire to have it. I hate to admit it, but my inclination is deep within me and comes from years of hate and threat from my small community growing up. It comes from the fear I felt in gym class after coming out in high school. It comes from the peer pressure that accompanied me leaving the cheerleading squad, and the deep resentment I still feel inside of me because of this. I was fearful in my community as a junior high and high school stunted, but I lived with that fear and addressed it and became a gay role model in my conservative high school setting. I've tried to move on through the horrible things that happened to me, through the hate and fear I felt in that environment and more importantly away from my classification of straight males as the enemy. It has been hard, and I admit I don't even know or assume the acts against queers this weekend were carried out by an individual who identifies as straight or male, but when I move through the community it is these individuals who I perceive as more of a threat to me personally. These are the words and thoughts that I hide in my darkness, that I attempt to not act upon or through. I think we may all have something hiding in the dark that we react to on a cellular level and that can not washed away too easily.


At Grinnell, I am expected still to fulfill that role, but now I am expected to have a level head and control my fear and anger in a just and responsible manner. I am expected to discuss with members of my community who I fear the most, my emotions and my hesitations and my hopes for moving forward. And the fear and resentment is deep inside of me, mostly untapped until something like this weekend's events happen. Then it manifests itself though shortening of breath when I enter or exit certain spaces. It manifests through the isolation I feel in large groups, and the paranoia I have when walking, especially aline. My mouth gets dry, my heart races and my mind goes numb filling only with the voices and images of my past that strike fear into my heart, mind and body. It is physically and mentally debilitating, yet it is internal and personal and almost impossible to detect unless you are living inside of me.

The members of the community who are affected by this the most, the victims are always looked to for the driving force. Action can firstly not be taken without their consent and secondly often involves their own initiative and motivation. The members devastated are the first t react and many are asked or expected to become the face and the drive, even if some remain anonymous we do not expect the strongest and the most ready to step forward and react.

In a way that is what I am doing here, I am reacting and letting my voice be heard. Even through the pain and fear I have to continue to live and react and thrive.

Art is acedemic too you know!

My campus newspaper often does a special survey where they question students "ARH or Noyce?" This question is meant to create a tally of students who like ARH - where most of the humanities classes are taught or Noyce - the science center.

Yesterday I was in Noyce when asked the vague question "ARH or Noyce" stunned I looked at the questioner and answered "The question should be Bucksbaum or Noyce, so Noyce." He laughed and then carried on his survey to other students in the study area. Apart from the obvious bias of questioning students already in the science center, I began to think about the bias against arts at Grinnell College. It's not a huge apparent divide, but it's large enough to be noticeable.

I spend hours of my day in Bucksbaum, with class and Theatre (both paid and volunteer) and working on projects I can spend half a day in Bucksbaum easily. I know I am in the minority of students at Grinnell but other Theatre students and artists understand my commitment to this building. Not many classes outside of the arts meet in Bucksbaum, only a few English classes are ever moved into these spaces and they are normally the Shakespeare or theatrically driven English courses. I am not saying the system is flawed, because I understand we only have a few class rooms and the rest of the spaces are designed for studio or artistic spaces. I simply wish the arts and artists on campus were recognized as academic instead of creating a divided where only ARH and Noyce are considered acedemic hubs. The work I do in Theatre and the arts is as acedemically drived, with research and procedure taking presidence. Theatre and art also have history and theory that have to be understood, critiqued, and learned.

Extra Energy

I think we all may carry about extra energy. This may be energy from stress of frustration or from happiness or even from sugar. Regardless of the cause of the build up we have to learn how to expel the energy from us. I've learned a lot of techniques to deal with panic over the years. I have even been able to learn how to deal with grief and jealousy. Yet, there are still some forms of energy that I am incapable of dealing with. They distract me, taking away from my day and work. It doesn't upset me that I am distracted by this energy, because it is filled with content and wonder.

I am learning how to deal with energy right now that is growing in silence. It is an interesting new feeling that I hope to better understand and articulate in the future.

For now, this is where I am.


p.s. Midnight has to move, and I still don't know where she will be going.

2010 Grinnell Monologue: Presented in Bob's Underground Cafe

My Path to Enlightenment

I was not a promiscuous girl. As a child I did not show my private parts to any of my playmates, nor did I desire to see any of theirs. I did not explore my own genitalia until a much older age than most report, and even so I did not feel throbs of eroticism until my mid-high school years. I did not know the term orgasm until I was thirteen, and I didn't have my first until nineteen. I may have been a late erotic bloomer, but I have not wasted time in my life. It seems every time I come into the g-mons forum I am enlightened in a different way than the time before. Or I am struggling with the intersections of my own sexuality, sensuality and situations. I am in a constant battle to understand the nature of my sexual condition.

I have long prescribed to serial monogamy, and the rapid turn around from one relationship to the next seeking an outlet for my sexual tension and a net of emotional security in a single other person. This led to a roller-coaster of emotions as I struggled to understand myself in the havoc of post relationship and then in the honeymoon phase of the next.

After many earth shattering breakups I have decided I am done with investing my whole self and all my pieces into one basket. Instead, I am discovering my own promiscuity, intellectual desire and pleasure surrounding sexual relationships, or what I will refer to here as erotic play.

I have begun to construction a series of interpersonal relationships that circle around each other, but do not dissect or disturb each other. Each one is conscious of the next, and the continuation requires a great depth of communication and understanding. I have been doing this semi-unconsciously, before the recent past, with my ex-boyfriend. He constitutes the outward most ring of relationships in my life. The situations is such that, we remain in distant communication and if we find ourselves in the same spacial area we are likely to have coffee and an afternoon frolic. This hasn't happened since fall break of my first year (before he joined the Marines and became a very different person), yet he remains a distant lover and a source of erotic play in my life. This relationship required a much smaller amount of energy to maintain that other points of erotic play, yet is no less satisfying or meaningful than the ones it orbits.

In order to understand and construct the remaining sources of erotic play in my life, it is important to understand that conditioned monogamy leaves little room for this type of promiscuity. There seems to be conflict between fucking and the rest of human activity. I believe that fucking or other erotic play is equally part of the human experience and the transition between them should be as fluid as the moving from a activity such as eating, to and activity such as studying. I define erotic play far outside the bounds of fucking, sucking and touching, though, because I derive erotic play from flirting and nonsexual relationships. These traditionally nonsexual encounters are included in the construction of circles, because I am creating connections and play that satisfy me in very different yet distinct ways. Before I began my pursuit of promiscuous circles, I sharply divided my romantic relationship from my less than romantic relationships. The inner most ring, was held for supreme sexual pursuit, usually monogamous, and the outer rings were only being utilized when the middle circle was vacant. The sexual circles that surround the base circle consist of single night hook-ups and lasting sexual relationships and well as flirtatious physical relationships which don't lead to fucking. These basic aspects travel over to my current model of relationship building with a very important addition, my own personal emotional understanding of these relationships and how they fulfill me and change me.

At anytime these relationships have the possibility to shift placement in the circles. A once close lover may slip into the further bounds of my circle, where I would only seek them out monthly or less than that, while someone who was less frequently a member of my life may come into a more consistent relationship with me. I am also open to the shift of a non-sexual flirtatious person into a physically driven source of erotic play, or visa-versa. I am in a place where I can accept this fluctuation openly and without hesitation, because I understand I am also shifting places in the life of those around me. I can now see the existence and fluidity of my primary partner and the rings which surround him/her/zer from my other sources of erotic play. I am also still able to find some sense of emotional security with a primary partner, without completely investing myself in that one person.

Emotional and physical security is a major tenant which leads erotic play into monogamous coupling, I am not trying to devalue the security we feel with one individual, instead I am urging for a different level of security with two, three or more individuals. There is a strong connection that two erotically sexual lovers have for each other. Two lovers create a level of comfort reached through erotic play that can be healthy and satisfying, yet when we start to define ourselves through these relationship it can leading to coupling. Coupling is something I am now more hesitant to indulge in. This is because of the eventual fading and shifting of relationship in our lives. When I've placed too much value on one situation, I have been left hopeless when the erotic or emotional aspect of this person has left our life.

I still have individuals that I hold closer than others both physically and emotionally, but I am Choosint to define each relationship separately. I'd also like to make clear that I am not simply fucking around, in fact I am in drastically fewer sexual situations than is normal for me when outside of a monogamous relationship.

Finally, I do not subscribe to indiscriminate and evasive coupling, that promiscuity normally get's a bad name for. Instead, I am excited by the idea of progressing and exploring new bodies both physically and intellectually. I hope to have found yet another plane of sexual enlightenment which I hope will lead to working interpersonal relationships. This existence is teaching me a lot about myself, my sensuality and my sexuality. I've learned about attachment and jealously towards others. I've also worked on healthy communication and relationships. In my new system, I do not have a claim on any of the individuals in my life, and they do not have a claim on me so I am free to explore what feels good in the moment. Without the huge emotional lose of self if something goes wrong or changed in these relationships.

Next time I enter this forum I may be monogamous, celibate, or further liberated from those bounds, never-the-less I have no choice but to understand these changes as the nature of my sexual condition. This is my current path – my path to enlightened promiscuity.

Under Construction

Many things have been on my mind lately, but my energy has been spent in other places. Yet today I can not let the idea of gender being constructed socially pass by. Today alone I have had 3 conversations that can boil down to the social construction of gender in Western societies. The more people who seek my advice (independently of each other and without my prompting), the more interested I become about gender neutrality.

The other day, I watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch, where gender is presented through sex changes, cross-dressing and through a mixture of them both. These active potrayals of gender are combated with Plato's symposium idea of gender where we are seeking to fin our other half to become one whole again. The idea of gender neutrality is present throughout the movie, and it begins my though process of gender neutrality outside of the trans community. It is not a Western phenomenon to transition genders, yet the idea of sex transitioning remains a euro-centric feat, perhaps due to the level of modern medicine required.

I question our gender constructions more and more, with individuals well outside of the trans community approaching gender in a more neutral way. Admitting to not liking pronouns, or to having never fully fit into the conceptions of gender society has placed on them. The are considering embracing gender neutrality, without huge coming our parties or vocabulary to define themselves. This some what sudden surge of gender neutral feeling individuals in my life got me thinking, perhaps it is human nature to be neutral. This would make the social ideas of gender precisely constructed. Not only that though, it makes our sexualities and other identities constructed as well.

Many of these individuals do not have queer identities, and are truly keeping gender and sexuality separate. This is the ideal situation that I want to be in, yet I find that my gender often defines my sexuality. I am well past defining my gender, and now I am starting to drop the identifying factors of my sexuality as well.

It does not seem worth the time or effort any more.
I'd rather be a gender neutral sexual individual than most anything else.
I also hope the conversations about gender continue in my life, especially with folk outside of the queer and trans community. Maybe we will all be neutral someday, and the word neutral won't even be necessary to signify between those who are and are not.

Of course biological sex will remain present, but in my postmodern world that isn't a problem anymore either.

Gay Diaspora

I sometimes forget that I live in Iowa, and that this place is more progressive than a lot of the nation gives it credit for. I don't think about the fact that gay marriage is legal here, where in the majority of states it remains illegal and unsanctioned. Today I was doing a lot of thought about the gay/queer diaspora and how during the HIV crisis larger cities with gayborhoods such as the San Fransisco's Castro, Chicago's Boystown, and New York's Greenwich Village were battle grounds and places of refuge. These cities became what queer rural youth longed for and were reminded of. They were considered by many as a place to go to feel a sense of belonging. They became the sites of the gay diaspora. Iowa City (where this picture was taken) was also a gay paradise during that troubling time with a leading research hospital at the University, which until a few years ago was still one of the most active institutions for HIV/AIDS research.

I think we take for granted our safety in the middle. Iowa has become a place where coming out in rural areas is not hard as many other states. It is still not easy, we are a long way off from it being as normal as heterosexual identities but we are further than many areas of Nebraska, the Dakotas, Missouri and Kansas. I am happy now to see the gay diaspora in Iowa, where now the right to marry, regardless of sex, sets this state apart. Where people are feeling a sense of belonging, and don't feel like they have to run to a coastal city in order to be who they are.

Iowa, sometimes I really love you.

Lesbians and Justin Beiber

You may ask what Lesbians and Justin Bieber have in common. This is a fair question to have and until 20 minutes ago I would not have had an answer. Actually, the existence of Justin Bieber was not apparent to me until about 22 minutes ago, so why now do I care about popular culture and this American Idol sensation?

Well, thank you for asking.
I am trying to have a go at writing an article(s) for Bitch Magazine a feminist magazine with a unique perspective on popular-culture. However, in order to even consider writing for them I ,of course, have to know a little more about what is popular right now. Hence, my stumbling upon the new internet sensation that is, Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber.

Initially, I was hesitant of the idea but the trend is remarkable and there are dozens of spin off post and blogs dedicated to this topic. It gets me thinking not only about the visual appeal of the lesbian culture, but also about how popular culture is starting to almost embrace lesbianism. There are hundreds of American followers to the blogs, and though many of them may identify as lesbians themselves there is not doubt about their viability. Each on of the pictures has at least 10 comments on it, and only one or maybe two of the pictures are of famous lesbians (eg. Ellen). I read through the blogs in amazement at the positive lesbian community surrounding the idea that Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian. Which adds a second layer to my observation, which is we as a society now have an idea constructed of what a lesbian looks like. In this case it is a shaggy haired skinny androgynous figure who wears fitted boy cut clothing. The problem is, that is how most of my lesbian friends, including myself, dress! So Justin Bieber looking like a lesbian may be an internet phenomenon, but there is some underlying truth to the whole matter.

And this time, I don't think I am upset about the lesbian publicity and visibility. It's just too bad Justin Bieber doesn't look like a fem-lesbian, they sure could use some popular visibility too.

The Long Dark Winter is Over

This is a picture of where I have been doing my writing, when I am not in the coffee shop. I really like this space, and the way I work with the table, it's really zen. I can keep my books open for as long as I want and no one minds. Plus I have a constant supply of tea, coffee and of course water. The table has only been in my life since January, but I don't think life would be the same without it.

Alas! Spring is in the air and I have beat the winter blues. I am happy to say that I've kept up on my Spring cleaning through being a minimalist this year. I took it upon myself not to buy more things until having through each purchase through. This means I have not accumulated much over the school year, and I am very happy about that. I do need to spring clean my reseach tabs in zotero and my bookmarks, but this isn't a process I will be doing all at once.

Goals for April
1. Finish 5 short stories
2. submit to GoGo and The Grinnell review
3. buy a glass tea pot
4. Take and post 20 good pictures
5. get rid of everything I haven't used in over a year

p.s. next month is May!
only 2 months until I move into an apartment!

College Coffee

This is how I make Coffee. I will post the picture in the blog, but right now it won't upload so you should follow the link I made.

The upper most part of the contraption is a reusable coffee filter. My entire first year of college I owned my own coffee pot, and I used it everyday. I liked to be environmentally friendly so I had this beautiful reusable filter, I got it for Christmas and it works great.

However the coffee pot died, and I was left a poor college student in need of caffeine. So I put together my own one cup coffee pot, which is more economical and environmentally friendly for me. The filter is standing upright by the assistance of a small mouth mason jar ring. In oder for this is be placed over standard sized coffee mugs and tea cups I cut a whole out of the plastic butter lid smaller than the size of the ring. Stack the two on top of each other, place the coffee grounds inside and pour over hot/boiling water. Bam, one cup of hot drip coffee.

beautiful.

Political Histories

I get really excited about politics in the past. I think that's maybe because I get really excited about politics in general and I like to see the progression of how we got to where we now are. Yes, that is a very conservative notion on my part but this is a point where I am quite certian.

Especially concerning speeches of famous individuals. I really like speeches by those who were and still are considered famous mostly through political grounds. Currently in my posession I have speeches by, Abraham Lincoln, Stephen Douglas, Malcolm X, and Martian Luther King Jr. all for the sake of my play. Yet, really when I read the words in my book that are claimed speeches by Douglas I can't help but feel the nudge of excitement as I visualize the charachter and the man that was. I've read parts of his biblography and seen pictures of him so I am creating him while his words fold out in front of me. He was there and people listened to this speech. The past gives me an eerie poke of satisfaction, nothing exists singularly.

depression --> Nerd

I have been undergoing a slight series of depression over the last few months. I have not been focusing on it, instead I've been baking and reading new books trying to busy myself out of loneliness. I've begun to define things, words and ideas in my notebooks the pages are covered with personal definitions. It makes me think that I am really working to understand the world around me. At the same time, I am still consuming all sorts of other matter of information. I mentioned this is a previous post, but I am reading and watching and hearing stories and pictures and poetry. This was part of the depression cycle for me because I did not want to leave my room, so I would spend evenings with my cat watching anime, and working on short stories or homework. I actually came to enjoy these activities as activities to define myself by.

I've been reading folktales, and novels, and plays from all spaces and thinkers of the world. I just want to learn as much as possible about as much as possible.


I've read many cookbooks over these days too, and tonight I baked a cake.
[Break] Cake aka [Break]Up Cake.

This is a picture of the chocolate bottom cherry cake I made.




p.s. I am comfortable right now being who I am.

The Revolution

As far as I can see it we have three revolutions at the forefront right now, health care/medicalization, the environmental movement and the gay/queer right movement. A possible fourth can be seen in the mobilization of a voice for poverty, but it has not yet reached the scale of the other three movements. Though, I do not out its eventual possibility.

I feel that we live in a time verging on a revolution. An actual full out overhaul, like the industrial revolution, or the American revolution. It has been a long time since a large scale global revolution has manifested itself. I know arguing these two as global revolutions is pointless because we have a staggering disproportion of industry throughout the world, and obviously the American revolution was centered on a landmass and the events that lead to a nation. I argue however that these revolutions changed life for every person in the world because standards and perceptios were changed than inevitable change the life of every person (however eventual and indirect that change may be).

The industrial revolution added a great disparity on poverty of actions and the divide between "West" and everyone else became a larger trench. Likewise the America became the birthground for modern liberal though and the power of freedom. The changed the possibility for millions of people. Creating the first hope, still to this day for millions of people. Rapidly America became an influential aspect of globalization, world economy and most specifically the world political climate. With our sucess in WWI and WWII, we became a booming political reminder, force, and exploit.


I think now in a global world we are looking for a new revolution, were less than impressed by the race to space and the femisist movement wasn't quite a revolution, though it did allow other movements such as the black rights and gay rights movements to spring from. The enviornmentalist movement and the modern gay/queer rights movements both have potential and ability to become something big(er). Health care reform in the United States may be it's own course for the revolution of medicalization, with medical research and prospects growing in popularity and credit, and slowly become more manageable realities with results.

However, the other two/three movements including the movement for a voice for poverty, all have a strong desire to become the movement that is a the revoluton. They will all use the changes caused by the health care reform to further their own capital, and possibly in the course of things further medicalization its self. We are reaction bases, and only exciting things are expected out of these movements.


I will disclose the fact that I am ever conscious of the 2010 theories and this post may be considered my own explanation. I do not buy into the cosmological, and supernatural explanations, but I believe a lot in the social consciousness of large bodies of individuals. I think fear will have a building effect and a social and created phenomenon will occur around 2012. A superficial "end of the world" is not something I believe in, but I acknowledge the revolutions possible to completely change the world that we live in.
I do not know what the change will be, because no one will know. All we have are our theories.

in vitro

Today the biomedicilization of the body is in the back of my thoughts. I am going to write a play about the year 2235 when geneticists found a way to implant intelligence through the level of mothers intelligence and intellegence consumed while pregnant. Just like nutrients and food is passed through the plancinto at crucial moments intellegence will pass the same way. Thus predisposing offspring to jobs as lawyers, philosophers, engineers, chemists, poets, and genetisists.

It blows my mind
Red October style

do you... think...

Do you ever wish you could glow in the dark?
or listen to your hair grow?
or take one of your eyes out?
or leave your feet behind?
or open an umbrella out of your head?
or fly?


I totally do.
all of the time.

the Desire to Consume

All I've wanted to do for the last two or three weeks is consume. And I have been consuming so very much, in all different forms of media. I read comics and books and poems and short stories and blogs and newspapers. I listen to podcast of short stories and poems and politics. I watch movies and theatre and anime and youtube. In conversations I listen to stories and monologues and rants. I can never be doing only one. I read three books at a time not counting what I am doing for school. I get bored with one if I am alone with it for too long. Everything needs it's own break which is why I can't do blogs or tv shows everyday. Just a little L word today, and a little Kafka tomorrow, then some blogs and poems. Keep the balance, you know.

I have been eating it all up and ingesting it. All the art and the language on my computer or bookshelf or table.

I find myself wanting to spend my life reading in parks, on benches, in the library, on my couch, or in my garden. Spending hours of my life enriching myself, indulging in art.
I could be very happy.

For now I am also very happy, doing some consumption for school and some consumption for myself. and sleeping a little in between. It's a happy balance.



Right now the first volume of The Count of Monte Cristo is siting on my table along with 3 books of Kafka in the native German. One is Die Verwandlung which is one of my very favorite books, yet I have never read it in German. I am excited now to be about 3 pages in.

Fog purgatory

It is almost as if it will never rain. The fall has settled in and become a comfortable shield across campus, yet the associated rain is still missing.

I actually get happier when it rains. I am waiting for it to come down in a sheet that pounds down the fog and cleans all the fields of the old snow. I will open my windows and lay in the middle of my room. Listening to it from all angles and letting it fill my space with the smell of turned soil and refreshing rain.
I can't wait.
considering the forecast say 100% chance of rain!
it is only a matter of time.

Following each other's footsteps

This is a blog I've been meaning to write since January, and it was sparked because I realized just how much I learn from the people around me.

I was walking and needed to cross the street, however there was a huge pile of plowed snow between myself and the street. I was contemplating in my head how hard the pile was, wondering if I'd make it over when I noticed foot prints in the snow. They were headed just over the pile toward the street, right where I would have also decided to cross. In that moment I litterally followed in someone else's footsteps as I made my way safely over the snow.

Since that day I've been grateful for all the moments I can learn from others.
I soak up those around me, even my cat.


Someday I will probably follow in your footsteps, and you will follow in mine. We will go there together.

Anything by Andrea Gibson

tonight i wanna slit my wrists
hold the blood to god's lips and say taste this

tonight i could swear even the man in the moon
is a rapist
and stars are nothing but scars
bullet wounds from humanities drive
by firing at the face of the sky

tonight crying would be too easy
it would please me too much
and no i don't want you to touch me
cause your hands are clean
and i'm filthy

guilty with the blood of something beautiful
all over me
i've been weak and leaking so much poison
in all the rivers around me
the fish are dying

and the trees are vying for some light
but i'm the eternal night

writing rhymes about wind chimes and world peace
while even in my sleep
i'm fighting wars that grind the enamel off my teeth
and i wake with my jaw clenched and my body bent
thinking how many dishes have i broken this week?

in an attempt to not break myself
by taking brutal belt to my hide
cause it's hard to wanna survive
when i know if ghandi were alive
... he'd shoot me

and all the great therapists of this world might say
girl maybe your anger is good
maybe your rage
is you emerging from the cage of everything you've been
so i try to be zen singing mantras of

om mani padme hum

but god fears me too much to hear me
and my heart beats another kid in the candy store
and his mother calls the cops
and every time the clock tics
i start tic tic tic talking more shit
my voice sounding the crucifixion of everything holy
i've got blisters on my tongue
from pounding nails into hearts of prophets
and just when i think i can stop it
satan resurrects inside me
and everything around me turns to hell
last night i stole pennies from a wishing well
to buy rope
to lynch the last inch of hope from the planet from the planet

and all

because you have a new girlfriend and i can't stand it

and i know it doesn't make sense
i know we decided to be just friends
but i didn't think we'd be just friends forever
i mean...
i wanted to be eighty together
wanted to birth poems like babies together
and watch them grow up save the world

cause girl
you're the only one who could ever raise the sun inside me
and i swear the ground beneath my feet
is only soft because you walk beside
there were times i thought i was so lost
even god would never find me
and then you came up right behind me
and kissed a cross onto my back

and its things like that that got me going crazy
cause i was thinking maybe the breaths we'd take together
would make us live forever
and now you're killing me
look at me i'm dying
not even trying to evolve when

i wanted to be there forty years from now
when the doctor called to say
your mother might not make it another day
and i wasn't gonna be just ok
i was gonna be perfect

was gonna make my love feel
like the first time you rode your bike without training wheels
kneel before you every day
like there was no one else before you

cause i've heard your heart beat
like that breeze that could bring any violence to its knees
and the best lines i've ever written

i plagiarized every word from the thoughts of yours
i heard while you were just sittin in silence

staring up at mars
but you never wish on shooting stars
you wish on the ones
that have the courage to shine where they are
no matter how dark the night
no matter how hard the fight
and how now do i turn away from that light

when i wanted to be eighty with you
birth babies like poems with you
and let them write themselves

wanted to hold your heart to my ear like a sea-shell
til i could hear the tides of every tear you've ever cried
then build islands in the seas of your eyes
so you'd see there's land to swim to
hold your hand and say storms are born
from the same sky we write hymns to when the sun shines
sometimes it takes tempests to wake rainbows
that will wind our pain into halos

was gonna carve your name into my wrist
so my pulse could kiss you

was gonna love you so well

i'd wake every morning
and tell you things like this...
bliss is the moments you're with me
when your gone my life hurts like hell
but i'll do anything to make you happy
even if it means setting you free

to be with someone else

Single-tasking

I have come to enjoy the matter of single-tasking, which just like the name suggest is about focusing on a single thing instead of multi-tasking. I have learned that multi-tasking all of the time is really energy consumptive, and causes me to feel less and want to do the things in my life less often. I do know how to multi-task, but I don't want it to become my norm. I want to be able to slow down and not feel like I have to do 3 things at once. Sometimes when I try to do a lot at once, nothing gets done as well as it should. Everything has a deadline, so I have to do it all anyway. Maybe multi-tasking for 2 hours is not the most cost efficient method.

Thus, single-tasking has been born into my life.

I like single tasking, because it is less stressful. Meaning I make fewer errors, and can feel better about what I have produced.

I like to single task for 45 minute periods, then change my location and refocus. This works best with different readings. I like to read in all different spaces, so that way the monotony of reading doesn't always happen in my dim room, or in a bright lit computer lab. I am also mad good at to do lists, and prioritizing my life. So I use this skill to spend time making a to do list everyday, then I work until one by one everything on that list had been done or move onto the next day's list.

I am really happy how this is working out for me. I seem to have more time to think about interesting things, and read other folk's blog posts. I've even found time between 4 classes, work, joint board duties, and hosting prospies to play some video games, run, and watch heroes.

It's really working out for me.

Go hard. Go Fast. Go Long.

Today I went fast.
4 miles.
37.28 minutes.



tonight I drink beer.

Checking in

This week has been about forming a schedule and making it work.
I learned something very important about my food schedule. And that is, I like not having a schedule better. I eat when I am hungry, go to the dinning hall when it is convenient, and don't when it isn't. I don't feel obligated, or forced and I really like that.

I like to think that I am an adaptable person, that I don't have to be forced into a routine.
I hope that continues.

On a side note I started swimming this week. It has been a whole other mental struggle for me. Swimming is harder than running, and frankly I am worried about it.

I'm not so sure about the whole triathlon thing, but I am determined to make it even if I am not sure. Great things only happen with dedication, time, and by showing up.

so fuck it, I am going to keep showing up. Keep getting out of bed at 7 am. And I am going to keep going, because I don't have much other choice.

I promise to blog about something interesting again soon.
like hair growth or hamstrings, or politics. Something.

Week 3:
This week really brought with it a lot of surprised and achievements in my workout plan and progression. This was a hard week mentally, and emotionally but I was able to drive all that extra unwanted energy and stress into my workouts. One day, I did find that after only 2 miles of my run I had the overwhelming urge to cry. Instead of pushing this emotion away from me, I left the gym and allowed myself to cry the whole way back to my room, and then made myself tea and took a shower. Afterward, I felt great and even did some push-up and sit-up routines in my room. Not enough to make myself sweaty again though.

Also my body is really starting to show all the work I am putting into it. My running is getting faster, and I am sustain it longer. I am also finding ways to enjoy it more. For example, I downloaded the e-book the Odyssey. Instead of spending countless hours milling over the book. I listen to it while running and biking. It's really a great way to let my mind wonder and create the story as I forget how hard I am working.

And running really is mental. I have found a treadmill that I really like. Mostly because of the way I feel like I am running through the windows when I am on it. However, when I don't have the treadmill I have to revise my mental state when running. It's a bit harder for me. But I am working on it, and doing quite well for myself actually.

I have a lot of former athletes supporting me, and giving me tips as well.
Week 3, you were a hard week. Yet, I made it through stronger more confident and with great looking arms. That's right, I am becoming ever so slightly buff.

Life is absolutely beautifully amazing.

p.s. I am not on acedemic probation, but I do have to talk to my advisers about what happened last semester. I know they will both be concerned, yet understanding. I will also prove to them with this semester that I can be an amazing student again. I've already turned down designing a show, which was hard for me. I know I didn't have the time to do it well and stay on top of my school work in the way that I need to this semester. Still, I feel like I am slowly losing theatre and I want to keep as much as I can in my life.

p.p.s. I am growing up. Whoa.

resistance happens

I have hit a mental road blog in my running process, but I have the confidence necessary to over come it. Indoors in the treadmill I am clocking 3 - 10 minute miles on a low level hill intensity. However when I am outside I can only go about .5 miles until dread and doom infiltrate my brain and cause me pain and anguish in my body.

I know it is a mental thing. I know that I am in shape enough to run the easy couple of miles I am setting in front of me. Somehow though my brain is overriding my physically capability and causing me to fail at said goals.

Now, I have done a bit of reading and almost all signs point to mentality tricking your brain into forgetting that you are running, or focusing on something else in order to not think about running.

I have decided that on the treadmill I am capable of relaxing my mind and simply running because I can not see the goal so I can not fail to reach it. The treadmill will keep going even if I fall off the back too, so I have to suck it up and keep up. Outside however I often decide I will go a certian distance, normally marked by a set course and start finish. Right now in my training I can not focus on starts and finishes. Having a goal just reminds me that I am not always able to reach it.

Thus, I have concluded that tomorrow instead of saying I will do 2 miles outside then weight lift before doing another 2 miles inside. I will say that I will spend 20 minutes running outside, without a set place to run then go to the gym. This way I may spend longer than 20 minutes running and I will hopefully be taken some place in Grinnell that I have never gone before.

Mind over running. I am going to get the mentality of running down. It's just like meditation, and I can't wait to me a meditative runner. It is just going to take a little more patience and time on my part to get all the way there.

convince me?

Yesterday at work I found myself reading an article in Newsweek titled: The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage

Theodore Olson may be known to you as a conservative lawyer who supported Bush, and his administration, but you may also be surprised to hear he has a positive voice in Perry v. Schwarzenegger. His argument is simple enough, gays and lesbians are a part of our society and have been for sometime, so why are they not treated equally. He talks in the article about how privilege and respect are entitled to every human being. When we are not allowing these basic human rights Olson argues that we are saying these humans are worth less, are less legitimate, and less permanent making them less valuable in our communities. This is something that Olson says we do not have the influence to decide. The argument that Olson finds most frustrating is the argument that tradition should dictate our decisions on Prop 8 and gay marriage. He is not convinced because traditions are always changing and "simply because something has always been done a certain way does not mean that it must always remain that way."

I am though not fully convinced, impressed, or trusting of Theodore Olson. I am though happy that he is fighting and arguing his case for gay marriage. The conservative voice is important in this discussion and he is countering very basic arguments. In general he is reaching a pretty wide audience but he is limited in that all his examples of gay and lesbian marriage are stable white couples. The article printed in Newsweek pictures 5 different gay and lesbian couples, all of which lack outward minorities. I understand that we must know our audience, and in this case we are bidding towards to conservatives, but I don't think we need to lose our diversity and colour when doing that.

Olson writes that, "the right to marry helps us to define ourselves and out place in a community." This is a conservative argument that my politics can not get behind, because I do not believe that we are defined by those we wish to spend the rest of our lives with. I think it's just as important to be part of a community regardless of marriage. I wish that we, the queer movement, could be taken seriously and treated equally regardless of marriage. Will marriage change the way queer students are treated in high school?

Also I find myself again not supported by the laws and institutions. I am not one to counter the gay rights movement or the marriage bills, but I am always unsatisfied by the approach and the content of the changes we only hope to make. I think we are legitimately trying to help people an include a huge community, but I am not convinced we are going about the process in the correct way. I wish we outwardly included people of colour, and transgenders in the movement, conservative or not because we can not hide these people when change does begin to happen.

My question remains, why will marriage make us equal?

Overall I am happy that some other, more conservative voices are becoming involved and heard I am hopeful that the movement will eventually be good for everyone. I just don't want us to lose sight of that 'eventually', by focusing on appeasing the conservative because that's not productive or fair to the movement.


Let me here your thoughts!?
I know there are lots of arguments to be made and I only have one of many. I am open to all your conservative, liberal, socialist, communist, democratic, etc. views, even if I don't agree or am not fully convinced yet.

Insomnia and a poem

I was thinking today about my last bout of depression and insomnia, it was in late September and some into October. I never fully recovered during the semester, because my school work had already suffered but I continued to create a lot of poetry and did end up on a 'regular' sleep schedule. Normally when I go home I end back up in my insomniac tendencys, but this time that didn't happen. I went home and slept no more than 9 hours at a time, mostly only 8. I drank Coffee only in the morning, and maybe a cup of tea in the afternoon. What I didn't do is finish any poetry, though I started a lot.

Now I am on a training plan (as mentioned in the post before this one) and therefore I have to take care to eat and sleep enough. I grew up really quickly, and have been pretty much dependent upon myself since leaving the comfort of home when I was 16 years old. Now, though, I am faced with a whole new level of care and self appreciation. I can feel mussels in my body that I don't remember and I have to worry about injury and reaching my peak. This means I can't let myself slip into the insomnia world again, because 8 hours of sleep is an important and necessary recovery time. My knowledge, and understanding of this impressed even myself. I am being responsible and helpful to my own body, and I really like it. I am in awe with myself right now, and I know I keep posting about it. Yet, it is important and different and therefore blog worthy.

Yet, what you were really looking for was a poem so I will oblige and promise to continue working on the others even if I don't do them at 2 am I can still write in the afternoon.



Drugs
N. Jameson

My drunk head screams at me in a way that I have never been able to accurately explain.
I haven't touched alcohol in weeks
and cigarettes haven't crossed my mouths and lungs for months
The only drug pumping through my veins is an antihistamine
blocking my death by chocolate almost literally.
and it's not poetic that I am saving my own life
but my nose squeaks and the dark room isn't increasing
instead it is pressing into my sides like a dagger looking for a heart
my mind clouds with words that I can not trace
and my head looks for a pillow far away from my bed
half the time I don't even turn on a light
letting my ink flow onto paper and walls and arms
whatever it can reach to
when I lay down with a poem in my head
my mind will race and wrap around it intoxicating my body
I am lost in it, working it
never connecting with it
the words and ideas never specific but overlapping
I lose control of what is happening, and it just speaks for itself.

First Mile

I am absolutely out of my mind, and yes it is contagious.

Recent Harvard Medical studies have shown that happiness is a virus that spreads through closs social networks, and friend groups. At the same time, habits spread the same way. Smoking, drinking, depression, and obesity are also found to spread through friend groups (luckily not as quickly and efficiently though.)

I have been infected by the workout bug. Although I am not completely happy right now in my life a lot has happened that continues to push me towards a grounded place. For example, today I left the warmth and comfort of the bunker to venture through treacherous winds and snow to work out at the gym. I have never been that person. The only reason I did so well at club sports, is because I was responsible for someone else. Doing something like exercise for myself, was never enough of a motivation

Recently though I was bitten by a very infectious bug, and I went crazy. Crazy enough to be doing a triathlon on May 1st 2010. (113 days from now). It is a Sprint Triathlon meaning 300yd swimming, 15 miles biking, ending in a 5K run. I have spent the last 4 days in the gym testing out all the parts of my body, to see where my strengths and weaknesses lie.

Today was my "chill" day and I went to the gym looking for only a light run and some push-ups. No lifting, or crazy feats of power and endurance. Once I got on the treadmill though I felt this overwhelming urge to disappear into my head and just move. I set the pace at 5.5 mph and went. After 1.7 miles I stoped for a couple sips of water then I just picked back up where I left off. I ended up running 3 miles in 32.47 minutes. I am very proud and impressed with myself, because it was a great pace and it still leaves a lot of room for me to improve. I was pushing it, but not struggling and the first 2 miles just happened without me thinking about them. I probably would have gotten through the 3rd better, had I not then set the goal to make it until 3 miles. Before that conscious decision, I was just running because it felt good and I was still able to.

I placed myself into a sort of meditation. It was amazing because even after the workout I was in a soft dream like state when walking back to my room. I was perfectly content with everything around me, and all that was and continues to be my life.
I was happy, and I haven't been that happy in a long time. I really hope that the gym and the roads continue to bring me great levels of happiness, because now that I've seen them again I am not keen on letting it go.
After the workout I came back to my room, showered, then did some body relaxation meditation.
Needless to say, I have never felt better in my life. My mind and body are so relaxed and ready to kick anyone's ass. Did I mention working out makes me really egotistic? It's sort of an awful trait to harbor, but I hope to work on it.

In Conclusion, my life was really shitty so I started working out and now I'm more excited than I have been in months for something.
Goal 1: May 1st 2010 Siouxperman Triathlon
Goal 2: Chicago Area Summer 5K (more information pending)
Goal 3: Oktoberfest 10K run, Marshalltown September 26 2010 (to qualify for the Boulder, Boulder I need another 10K race under my belt)
Goal 4: Hoffin'It 2010 5K with Kate Baumgartner, Grinnell Iowa
Goal 5: Boulder Boulder 10K, May 31 2011

These are the big things to look forward to in the coming months.

Cold Campbell's From the Can

The turn from 2009 to 2010 has gotten a lot of attention from other bloggers, news programs, and friendly conversations yet I am hesitant to speak about my thoughts surrounding this new year. I am not fully sure why, but 2009 was the worst year of my conscious life. There were some things that I fully enjoyed, but mostly I lived in a constant state of depression and drug use. I did somewhat successfully quit smoking cigaretts, although recently I have really been longing for the cool draw of the nicotine and the sudden rush and clarity it brings to my head. I have also had a few fall backs in that time, eg. 10/10 and the night of drag show. Yet, I do not dwell on these situations as failures, but as ways to keep moving on from my relationship with nicotine.

I have also changed my relationship with alcohol. This is a constant battle with me, because I am never fully convinced drinking is what I want to do. I love the act of beer consumption though, and I have to keep good beer in my life. It has always been important to me, and I think beer in moderation will continue to be part of my life. Wine has also found an interesting spot, as I have enjoyed drinking it when editing poetry. Not when actually composing anything, but in the process of making things better, or different Red Wines have found a new home.

Chess has also taken hold in my life. I find it calming and solid. I've been playing a correspondence game online, and I think that I will soon start another. I enjoy taking tie to challenge my brain to think in a slightly different way. I also have a few friends at Grinnell who find Chess interesting and enjoy playing, therefore I plan to continue games with them in the coming semester.

I want 2010 to be less stressful and dramatic than 2009, because I was a mental and emotional wreck for most of the year. I think that is because I was not happy with things in my life that I couldn't control. I think most of those things have sorted, changed or be removed from my life. I am also fully out as a transman to my family, and they all seem to be trying really hard to understand and help me through my transition. Which leads me into a year where I have to be more selfish and think about the person I am becoming. The gym is going to become a friend of mine as I want a health body for my healthy mind. I also want to work harder at school. I have been letting it slide a little in the last 2 semesters due to the stress of my personal life, but I hope to be in a place where school work and academics can thrive and where I can be proud about the work I am doing.

My transition will officially start on March 20th when I go to my first doctor's appointment, the week there-after I will given my first dose of Testosterone. April will be a hard month, where my body is getting use to the T and I am feeling and thinking in such different ways. I will soon be starting a weekly blog or webpage dedicated to my transition because it will be important to have a space to express my concerns and changes. I also spent a lot of time reading blogs of other individuals personal transitions in the last years, therefore I hope my own story will be helpful. In July I plan to change my name. By the end of my Senior year I hope to have everything lined up to live the rest of my life as a genderqueer transman. I want new people I meet to only ever assume that I am a androgynous male. As for pronouns, we will discuss that in the next few months.

Until then I will be eating cold campbell's soup from the can, and saving all my pennys for the life that is ahead of me.

Alive

Today is day #7,618
Each day is important

Poetry that moves

I have been walking a lot more, as in I have been taking a walk everyday at about the same time. Trying to clear my head and center myself again. It's been a really nice and stable addition to my life. I think I will continue it, maybe that will be my only resolution of this new year and new decade.

A Late Walk

Robert Frost

WHEN I go up through the mowing field,
The headless aftermath,
Smooth-laid like thatch with the heavy dew,
Half closes the garden path.

And when I come to the garden ground,
The whir of sober birds
Up from the tangle of withered weeds
Is sadder than any words.

A tree beside the wall stands bare,
But a leaf that lingered brown,
Disturbed, I doubt not, by my thought,
Comes softly rattling down.

I end not far from my going forth
By picking the faded blue
Of the last remaining aster flower
To carry again to you.