comfort food

I have always found something strangely comforting in waffles and Breakfast Burritos.







Great Waffles - mum style

1 stick butter (4 oz.)
8 oz. pastry flour
1 oz. sugar
1/2 tsp. (.08 oz) salt
1 T. (.05 oz) baking powder
3 eggs, separated
2 cups milk or 1 c. buttermilk / 1 c. sweet milk
1/4 fl. oz vanilla or 1 tsp

Note: If using buttermilk, reduce baking powder to 1 tsp (1/16 oz) and add 1 tsp (5 grams) baking soda instead. 2 cups milk = 12 oz aquatronic weight. If using liquid scale, switch to fl. oz.

In a batter bowl (one with a handle and a pouring spout) place one stick unsalted butter and melt in microwave until nearly melted. Cool, add soda (if using), baking powder, salt, egg yolks; stir.

Add flour and beat briefly with a hand mixer or whisk. Stir in vanilla.

Using the whisk attachment of an electric mixer, beat the egg whites, gradually adding the sugar until soft, foamy stiff peaks form (not dry). Fold into batter and bake in waffle iron about 4 minutes or until steaming stops and waffles are golden brown.

Spread crisp hsshed brown potatoes and 3 to 4 pieces crisp vegetarian bacon, crumbled on a flour tortillas. Roll up. Top with grated cheese and green or red chili puree (or any other salsa mango salsa is good for this.) If desired, add a fried egg, sunny side up. Put in oven long enough to melt cheese. Serve immediately

OR

Eggs - 8
Jalapeno peppers - 2 (chopped and seeded)
Green bell pepper - 1/3 cup (chopped)
Tomatoes - 2 (seeded and chopped)
Low fat cheddar cheese - 6 slices
Large flour tortillas - 6
Salt and pepper - add to taste
Hot pepper sauce - a dash
Low fat butter - 1 tbsp
Cilantro

• Beat the eggs well, and add hot pepper sauce, jalapenos salt, and pepper.
• Melt butter in a pan on medium-high heat. Then pour in egg mixture, and cook until the eggs solidify.
• Place a slice of cheese on each tortilla. Top with egg mixture, tomatoes, and cilantro.
• Roll the tortilla and tuck the ends under. Bake for 10 minutes at 350.

OR - VEGAN

Ingredients:
1 Oil-Free, Tofu Scramble
1/4 cup coarsely chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 tsp ground cumin
tomatillo sauce
guacamole - optional
salsa or pico de gallo
nacho cheeze - optional
whole wheat or sprouted tortillas or wraps

Directions:
1. Make cheeze if using, set aside
2. Make tofu scramble according to directions
3. Add cilantro and cumin 1 minute before scramble is done cooking
4. Spoon tofu scramble into the center of the tortilla or wrap
5. Add tomatillo sauce as desired and cheeze if using
6. Wrap up
7. Top with salsa and guacamole if using

taking tiny Jewish steps

I am working on rereading the book - 'Living a Jewish Life'
So much of it clicks now - two years after the first reading.

I made an appointment with Rabbi Litwin at the Chaplin's office
and I've made the promise to myself
and the Ben Offenberg that I will make the weekly Shabbot table (Friday's of course)
This will all be achieved with help of Becca Bernsetin - whom I love and respect.

My life is taking some amazing twists and turns right now. I've looked into San Fransisco some more. I e-mailed my alum of '72 friend. I was there over spring break of last year, and we stayed at there house over a whole weekend. He lives in the Mission with his partner. They both graduated from Grinnell and have been together in San Fran since '75 (when the younger of the two graduated) This time last year he told me he knew at least 10 lesbian couples who would love their dogs to be walked, or other random things to get done, especially by such a . I didn't e-mail him about that, but rather to just get as much information gathered as possible. because I may be taking a semester off to go do an internship - since it will be unpaid and my Grinnell Stipend will only go so far it could be interesting.

I also added [sanfran] on plans - and did a little snooping on alums who live in the bay area.
although I want to live in mission district
I'm getting serious guys.
trans public heath won't know what hit em!
(tee he - play on gender pronouns.)

The Jewish Thing - A Happy N.

As many of you know I have long been obsessed with Judaism and gender (and many other things but this is irrelevant for this post). Today I was doing some Jewish reading when my whole world came crashing down in a pile of glorious Jewish gender mess. I discovered Rabbi Elliot Kukla. Now you may say why does this rabbit make N’s world stop turning. It is because Elliot is the first openly transgender rabbi.

I have spent the better part of my afternoon and early evening reading about the transtorra, gender queer weddings, and androgynim in Judism. Rabbi Elliot Kukla finds comfort in century old texts of Judaism when modern (American) thought is against trans and genderqueer individuals.

Most individuals within our society are against the idea of gay marriage, I can only expect that trans weddings would be even less accepted in their Christian mind set. In the context of a Jewish wedding, Rabbi Kukla has offered all the possible Hebrew phrasing and paths the ceremony can take.

For a bride:
Brucha Ha’ba’a b’shem Adonai

For a groom:
Baruch Ha’ba b’shem Adonai

For an individual who wants to indicate an alternate gender identity:
Brucha Ha’ba b’shem Adonai

For two brides:
Bruchot ha’baot b’shem Adonai

For two grooms, for a bride and a groom or for a couple that wants to indicate as little gender as
possible:
Bruchim ha’baim b’shem Adonai

For a couple that would like to indicate complex genders:
Bruchim ha’baot b’shem Adonai

This continues past the opening of the ceremony and Rabbi Kukla doesn’t fail to satisfy all options throughout his entire text.

The idea that I mustn’t be a bride or a groom is extremely satisfying. The though of an actual religious ceremony that encompass the complexity of individual gender blows my mind.


Currently I can even begin to explain how happy I am to be reading about ‘making your Jewish community more trans friendly.’ This is even more reason for me to want to become Jewish. I was just down talking to Ben who says that many Jews are Buddhist. My issue is that I don’t know many Buddhist who are Jewish – but I’ve never feared away from being the first at anything. More to come from me later!

I urge you all to read things that Rabbi Kukla has written.
http://www.transtorah.org/resources.html

and to open you community, Jewish or not to be more trans friendly.

classy soccer queer

I can't explain myself without confusing you
a picture is worth 1000 words

ruined for all others

There is a line in the movie P.S. I love you where on of the characters says something alone the lines of - I want to find a women and love her and use her up until she is ruined for all other men.

I never though a person could be ruined for all others unless something like death or tragedy struck them personally. Yesterday one of my friends was telling me about another one of my friends.
The story goes - boy meets boy and they fall for each other almost instantly. Both boys are gorgeous, it is almost hard to look at them together because they are so beautiful. His whole first year my friend dated this beautiful boy, until the summer between first and second year. The other boy was going abroad and they broke up. Since then it has been said my friend has been ruined for all other boys. This is because he has been unable to hold down a monogamous relationship since this breakup. (it has been almost 2 years for the boy)

Now this story sounds all to familiar to my own. I've had two actual relationships since ending things last summer with Erica. The first one I freaked out in and didn't really comprehend the entire time. I think the whole last part of my summer and first part of my semester was just lived in a blur of emotions and confusion. So I spent my first semester mostly indoors on weekends - when I did go out it was kind of a free for all and my friends couldn't control me sometimes. For example the cold day that I walked back to Loose 2nd in only my sports bra and jeans! Or the night of 80's where I ended up going home completely naked then spent hours talking with the kids on my floor (I was only in my bathrobe)

Needless to say when I started this semester with a girlfriend I though being monogamous would not be a problem. I'm not doomed by my past relationships! Yet, 80% of weekends I would get drunk then go and make out with 4-12 people before finding my girl. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't stop myself from doing it. It's no wonder that she broke up with me - I am surprised she put up with it for so long. The only problem I was faced with, was that she didn't ever tell me it upset her, or that I shouldn't do it. I would have only needed one scolding or upset look and I would have been done, it wouldn't have been worth it.

Now instead I think back to Anna and to Erica my only really significant relationships and I wonder if they did ruin me for others. Not permanently I hope, but for the present.

this goes on though, beyond the people I am hooking up with
I feel as though I have become bad at relationship and relating to people. This has been the case for about 2 years now. It is not normal for me to spend long periods of time in the same place, or continue back to that place. I almost never feel a draw from a particular space or time because of this it is easy for me to change my surroundings. I fear though that this is causing me to not form and harbor my relationships anymore. This is because I am often sure that I can look to the next space and the next time to make new friends and acquaintances. I don't want this to be my problem, or my life.

I've spent a lot of time at Grinnell and I keep coming back to this place. I am not sure anyone knows how hard it is for me to come back each time, I almost fear it. I fear getting stuck.
I am trying to keep in contact with my friends who are far away, but sometimes I don't think it is worth the effort anymore. I hate to think this way because I love all my really good friends from Grinnell, and I can't handle thinking about losing them.
My nomadic ways also make it hard for me to think abut going back to camp this summer. It will be one of the first times I've gone back to a place that I lived to do the same things again (other than Grinnell) and I am not sure how I am going to handle it.

To the reader, this may all seem strange and not like me at all. But this is the truth and I am working on understanding it still myself. I apologize for any choppy thoughts, or incomplete ideas. I will work on this in the next few days and weeks, and see if I can find more answers to my own questions.

girls are complicated

Decision - you can't understand girls
so why even try anymore.
Ben and I have decided that we aren't going to
instead we will allow them to make their decision
and not try to understand why
but go with what happens because of it.

sounds good to us
we also decided you can't understand boys either
so the same applies

I didn't even try to bring genderqueers into the mix
I don't even understand myself - how are others suppose to

Spring Break practice

Being on campus when very few are is an experience that is hard to describe. When you walk around Grinnell you always see a face you know (this is at least my experience, but I've been told I know too many people)

Now that few are here, you are lucky to run into anyone in the loggia or the Joe Roe. Many people sleep until 2 in the afternoon then eat boxed pizza and burritos.

This has given me some down time, and plenty of quite. In this I have been able to find a space for more Buddhist practice. I have even been reading some more Buddhist thought and doctrine. I am looking in the most unexplainable places for life messages - like juice bottles... They tell me that "separation is natural" and movies remind me to call my mother more because she is a lonely old lady who worries about me A LOT.
Things are really easy to forget, and I don't want to suck at life any more.

The Buddhist thought that I have been struggling with lately is impermanence
Because I have been dealing with a lot of death this semester
and the loss of Whitney to our Grinnell community (a first year student)
and with my mother's position being dissolved
and my father not working right now either, there is a lot of suffering
and I can't see the point of it
even when I try.
But in my quite hours I am meditating and practicing yoga
and finding myself in this time of chaos


According to the impermanence doctrine, human life embodies this flux in the aging process, the cycle of birth and rebirth (samsara), and in any experience of loss. The doctrine further asserts that because things are impermanent, attachment to them is futile, and leads to suffering (dukkha). Under the impermanence doctrine, all compounded and constructed things and states are impermanent.

Buddhists hold that the only true end of impermanence is nirvana, the reality that knows no change, decay or death.

Impermanence is intimately associated with the doctrine of anatta, according to which things have no fixed nature, essence, or self.

soon I will be atop a mountain
with the cold crisp air - all summer long
I can not wait for this day

when life flips over - buy popcorn

I've decided to change my life
I know that I've said that before
but I know now that I am a strong independent beautiful person

and I am going to live it up
I've been shaving again
and I just bought new charms that I made into necklaces
I'm taking more showers
and working out everyday

Today was day 3 of changing my life
and so far it's amazing
I feel good.

Although I got some more bad news.
It has been the 3 weeks for bad news.
My mum was laid off of work today
They had already cut her hours
so she was hurting
now it's just horrible.
I don't know what is going to happen
for her or for me
This is really bad.

My dad also was laid off a while ago
and now he doesn't get any unemployment
it's a bad day in his household too

I'm doing odd jobs just to get by
writing stories, drawing comics
babysitting
and now gardening for an old lady professor
I don't even have time to eat and pee!

But we all do what we have to do
and I'll pee when I shower
so at least 4 times a week!

someone smile for me
and keep me in your happy thoughts

ruhhhhhh

Somedays all I want in the world is to fall head over heals madly in love and stay that way forever.
Yet, other days I remember how much work that it

so I indulge in other peoples love through film
This is a good life choice
I've started making those in the last few days
Like buying new socks
and not drinking this weekend

and cooking a great dinner
All good life choices.

Today I am taking a bike ride to rock creek
this will be enjoyable as well
We are planning an hour out
a picnic
and an hour back
a nice even ride - SWEET DEAL

p.s. Who need love when you are hot enough to get a lot of sex
Just saying - well that's at least what someone said to me
about me last night....
guess that means I'm hot enough to have lots of sex
Ha - too emotional to though

bahhhh ramblessssss

My thoughts

Currently my thoughts are certainly not worth you time as I have been in an emotional roller coaster. I've learned many a thing lately though.

1. Just because you like someone doesn't mean you are compatible
2. You can't blame just one, nor can you blame none
3. don't date virgins (okay this one's mean but It's true for me I'm sorry if I offend anyone)
4. I should be conceited some of the time - because I should always think that I am beautiful
5. crying is allowed
6. Death does make someone stronger
7. strep throat is super horrible
8. I need to run more
9. rats can be beautiful
10. relationships are for queers

[baumgar2][murphyge] I hope you read #10 and laugh
knowing the people you know - and know who would say that the most

11. Friends are good, I want to just be friends with all the people I know
(most of the people I know)
12. I make things hard for people
13. sometimes I am too honest
14. I don't see Mark Mercier enough
15. I'm not a bad academic writer
16. David Campbell has a heart, and cares about me with it (fatherly - maybe even grandfatherly)
17. I can play things Bach has written
18. I miss my long(ish) hair