Speak for yourself

All that we don't know

I do not know what today will mean for the rest of my life. This day will happen and change me and help me become who I am but in 60 years when I look back I will not remember this date specifically and will not know what it means to me.

I think it is important to remember that everyday is life changing, even if you are only changing an inch instead of a mile.

Purity

Why I think about the word purity I think about happy things like kittens, babies, white snow and so forth. Today I found myself overwhelmed with emotion after finishing my first chapter in a public health epidemiology book. I was in a public space but tears began to trickle down my face. In this moment I thought of myself and the tears and the space I inhabited as completely pure. It is hard to explain but today a lot just seemed to happen that reminded me about purity and the pure world.

I think sometimes I am growing up too quickly, then I realize that I still have a long way to go.

Queer as Fuck

I am sitting in my room with an open package of Hostess chocolate covered doughnuts(not vegan but I don't care right now!) to my left, and a jar of water to my right. The topic in my mind today, and everyday really is gender and my gendered self. With two looming conversations with my mother behind me (and an awkward conversation with my father), I think we have began to make some progress in understanding each other. I haven't mentioned things like pronouns or hormones with her because I know these things will only upset her, and I haven't made any decisions on this front yet.

At any rate, with so many more people questioning gender and identifying as queer I find myself back where I started years ago in my gender identity. Hell, not only are my gay and lesbian friends identifying as queers but I know straight girls and guys who take on this identity. It is not because they want to step down from their privileged seats in the straight world, but they fully believe they do not embody the identity they have had from childhood and have learned that even straight people can be queer. I fully agree with them and I honor there choice of identification, it just makes my own thoughts more complicated.

So, who am I!? I am someone who identifies as a genderqueer, or more frequently these days ambiguous. I find that if only for my own sake and for the further breaking down of gender I am in a position where some sort of identity clarification is necessary.

So what does ambiguous gender mean to me. Being ambiguous means 1) making a conscious decision on my presentation when in public and private, and making decisions on how to hold conversation, how to walk, what gaze I hold other individuals in, and so forth. 2) publicly announcing (not necessarily verbal) and being active in my gender expression. 3) understanding my gender expression is determined through traditional gender stereotypes such as skirts, or suspenders that I rarely merge or delude.

you can see that I almost always have gender in mind, even when I am not presenting myself to others. I constantly find myself studying individuals who fall more dominantly into the male or female sides of gender to learn cues and styles that are common or less common for each subtype. Although I am between genders, it is hard to live that in an overly gendered society therefore it is much easier to embody the stereotypical roles, sometimes even taking those roles to extremes in identities such as kings/queens.

You would think that will all of my thoughts on gender and with my identifying as an ambiguous person I would enter the movement with open arms. The truth of it is because I am rather femme I am not often take as an individual who completely has issues when it comes to public bathrooms, and who sometimes cringes at the pronouns people use when referring to [her]. My perceived gender is always female, and there is little I can do about that. It also doesn't help that I know I am not moving further into the tranny process because I am not looking to have a sex change. Although I am contemplating hormone usage I am staling that process because I don't want to include my mother and I still have small dreams of become a natural mother someday.

Also I am not 100% comfortable in my gender. Walking a mile in my own shoes is sometimes hard and I fall back into the femme lesbian identity more than I would like. Although I do not identify as a lesbian to anyone, I am perceived as one because I do partner exclusively with women. I understand that I am sending the world mixed messaged, but the world started it first! If you are as confused about genderqueer and gender ambiguity as you were when you first began reading, don't worry. You and I are not the only one's confused.

The Laughing Zen

Feeling with all of your heart is part of the mindfulness of Buddhism. Laughing opens up a place in your heart that allows you to connect with yourself and others. My meditation and yoga have been brining me to laugh lately. And not only laugh but also sing at the top of my lungs. Truth is buried deep within oneself and I believe that laughing brings me closer to reality and the truth of reality, instead of being trapped within myself all of the time.

Although I do not follow the laughing Buddha as a Zen practitioner that form of the Buddha’s enlightenment is also very important. The laughing Buddha is a happy uplifting spirit that occurred almost directly before the enlightenment of the Buddha. Even in dying the Buddha was smiling, because he had full liberation from the world and the cycle.

Chanting during meditation and yoga is important to the opening of the spirit to enlightenment. I have been doing modern reading into different practices, and members of some communities are chanting song lyrics as part of normal practice. At first I thought this was strange, but then I thought that I don’t necessarily understand the chants that I use so what would be the difference if I was still opening myself up. Hence, I now chant love songs to myself as a regular practice my favorite chants include Stephen Speaks lyrics.

When I am not meditating and I hear a song that I have made into a chant, my spirits are uplifted and I am able to smile and even laugh at myself. My heart opens up and warmth spills out of me. I think taking myself back into reality has been the most influential step in my practice this far. I feel more complete and able to confront to world where I work and live. I am happy and laughing, like the Buddha.

Inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/user/sadienardini
Bon Jovi Chant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p54h6d_LYSo
OM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUl-guIG0uU

Cooking with Tofu

My Vegan thought of the day: I like yellow food. Curry, mustard, paprika, turmeric all create beautiful shades of yellow when mixed into light food items and I love each of the flavors that the spices bring to my cooking.

I was sitting in my kitchen hungry as usual. The plan was to bake bread, but I had decided to make a dark sourdough type so I made my starter and it will be two days until I can use it. A couple of days ago I learned how to make mustard and I have been craving it ever since, so I decided what I made today would have mustard in it.
Taking a bowl from my cupboard I took already made yellow mustard and honey (not vegan I know but I still eat it as part of my vegan diet as long as it is local, which ours is) To that I added Spanish paprika, ground turmeric, cumin, and garlic flakes. To thin out this mixture I added a bit of olive oil and coconut milk, something I should always have on hand! This created a nice flavor that I crumbled drained tofu into and combined well. At this point I decided to cut some of my mums cilantro from her herb box and add it to tofu.

As that soaked up the flavors I cooked about a cup of elbow pasta. After draining that I added rosemary, Italian seasonings, and a tablespoon of margarine. One this was mixed I combined the tofu and the pasta and placed it into a baking dish.

Since my mum keeps garden tomatoes frozen and we had thawed some yesterday I was able to put really red juicy tomatoes onto the top of my mixture. From there I baked it at 375 for 15(ish) minutes. Just enough to warm it through and to bake down the tomatoes a little.

I ate it with a small salad and some celery, and still had enough left for lunch tomorrow.