Planning

I realized that I often think about my futures with certain individuals, such as my best friends or lovers. I think about what will come in the next few months, or about planning visits. We, as humans, are often thinking about planning people into our lives, even about who we will plan into the next few hours.

Planning someone out of your life is a much harder endeavor. This is something that I fear and worry about. Especially when my life path may mean planning parts of my family out of my life. This is something I don't want to have to do.

Tranny poetry

I don't think I will ever sleep again. The ladies at the health center tell me that I will get better. That it will only take some time. I've started to get to a point though where it doesn't matter. I am awake all of the time, even when I am asleep my thoughts aren't. I think about pounding away at the computer, writing words into the screen. Poetry and rhythm.

Last night I slept 3 hours, but I was dreaming the entire time, meaning I couldn't sleep soundly. Nothing I do can change this. This is just who I am becoming.

I don't even believe the health center anymore, I don't think I will get better. And that scared me.


At least I am writing DAMN good poetry.

everything can go fuck itself but poetry

Fuck it








sitting in only white underwear with words in front of me
computer being turned off after this post.
door locked










Fuck it

My African Adventure?

David Campbell stoped me today as I was walking home, and he was also walking home. It was a cute little interaction and he informed me that I will be able to get funding if I want to work in Africa this summer. A huge part of me would love to fly away to Ghana right this second, but other parts of me have hesitations.

1. the failing health of my grandfather
2. My inability to eat most foods
3. My brothers enlistment in the army.


I've decided that I do want to try and go, but I do not want to spend my entire summer there. I think a month or a month and a half would be a good immersion for me, and would use fewer resources (such as money)

Step 2: find an internship

How's the Weather?

Every time I talk to my grandmother on the phone - or I post from her we never fail to talk about the weather. She often writes to me from different locations in the United States as she is almost always traveling - The letters will read along these lines.

Hi! - we are here in Oklahoma visiting some more Navy people. Bill and Julie have made a really nice home here. We're headed further south to Texas tomorrow and will be visiting old Navy men who use to work with your grandpa. It's been raining on and off but it isn't cold. How has it been in Iowa?


Then the letter would continue to ask about school and to talk about all the things they stopped to see and museums they visited. Sometimes the postcards come from specific museums but they are always themed to the travel. Mostly by state or closest major location.


I always wondered why my grandmother thought so much about the weather when she was in a new location. It always makes the opening lines of a correspondence.
Then I was in Water and Development and the professor asked about what farmers do all day. His funny response was - they sit around and worry about the weather all day. It may be funny, but the more that I think about it - the more I find this statement to be true. Rain fall, winds, amount of sun all effect the end product.

My grandmother comes from a farming community and a farming background. I even come from a farming community and semi-farming background. Weather is part of our culture. No matter how much I'd like to separate myself from asking about the weather I will always have this piece of my family and community culture to carry around.

How to come out?

I've been trying to come out to my mother
as trans
It's been super stressful because no matter how many ways I tell her she doesn't understand. It also doesn't matter what form I tell her in she doesn't get it.

It's times like these that I really just want to run away
I want to be normal
have normal relationships
work in a normal job

not want to cry
not be lost to my family
not be scared to walk at night
or alone at all

I pretend to be strong
but sometimes I just fall apart 100 different ways.



Let's top it off with my brother's 'broken' ankle
he has a severe fracture.
DAMN IT

stress be gone

Today I went for a swim. I am really out of shape and I was actually intimidated by the space. Since my heart wasn't 'strong' enough for physical activity since my second semester at Grinnell I've been missing the pool.

Today the first time in a year and a half that I got into the water and started swimming, I was scared. I was scared of the water and my body and of what to do.

I stayed in the water for 30 minutes and swam back and forth, and back and forth. Mostly doing butterfly and simple backstroking. I forgot the power that swiming has over my mental state. I hav been very calm today even when faces with situations that would normally bring me to tears, or make me very uncomfortable.

Maybe swimming is the key to my social anxiety and stress load.
Maybe I will get my body back into shape as well.

I love life

Last night Kate didn't bring her contact case to my room when she was going to sleep over. Below you will see our beautiful solution to the issue.

We are so cute!

Someone I love is transgender

I've been writing a peom the last few days that has really been bogging me down. I literally start crying at random intervals. Including this morning in my econ class. It's really an issue, but this poem is something I have to write. Its been in my head for far too long to not go anywhere.

I'll get there. I really will.

Today

I feel absolutely vulnerable right now
and for the first time in years it feels alright