Coming out Again

I am actually trucking right along as far as coming out as trans to my folks goes. All of the parents in my life know know and we are working on solutions of how to break the news to 7 year old. My father said straight up that he didn't understand, but loves me and supports me. (he also admitted to not having understood my sexuality as a lesbian but came to accept it and 'roll with it') I think it is in fact a lot of information to process and handle at one time. Especially since my father is older, and from a small midwestern town. He actually does not have much experience with folk who do things a bit different. Looking on the bright-side my dad and stepmum has a lot of questions, and wanted to make sure I was emotionally stable and conscious of the impacts of my choices It was really nice to have their support though, and no tears were spread over the ordeal.

So now I need everyone's feedback. I have a 7 year old sister who absolutly adores her big sister (that's me) and only sees me 4-6 times a year. Meaning the process of my transition will not be a gradual one that she sees and comes to understand. How do we explain to her what is going on. We won't start to process for another 4 months or so, but it would be good to have all the information and coping strategies together from the start. I still want to be the big sister she looks up to, because I love being that role model for her but I also need her to understand the terms of my transition and the fact that I will be a man and not a lady anymore. It a tough question, and I am sure there are many answers it's just a matter of picking the rightest one.

Also my mother is attempting to join sometime of online community for the mothers of transmen. I think it will be really good for her and she will learn from and be able to help more mothers. She's very concerned about the whole doctor switching business, but she understands why I must. We've been going to the same family doctor since moving to Kewanee, 17 years ago. She's in fact the woman who birthed my brother. My mother was taken back when I wanted to start seeing another doctor within the firm of family doctors because the women everyone else sees didn't understand my sexuality.

Yet, my dad and step-mum did ask a lot of questions about what this would do to my sexuality. Including, if I fell in love with a feminine gay man, would I then identify as a gay man. Or would I start to identify as straight after the transition. I didn't explain to them the complexity of my current identity and instead explained the term queer to them. The also had a lot of questions about identifications and marriage. I gave the the correct answers but said I didn't want to make any of these decisions in my life until I have to cross that bridge.

All in all, it was a good day even though I woke up with a fever. I think I stressed myself out too much about the coming out thing and made myself sick. I woke from bad dreams at 6 am and didn't feel right until late into the afternoon. I did make it to the health food store today though and got hummus and soy cheese and soy sour cream! I wanted cream cheese too, but all they had was flavored ones that I don't like.

now, back to my romantic comedies! I am going to watch Bridget Jones's Diary tonight. teehe, I am rather hopeless aren't I!

Family Matters

Last night we had a little break in the family dynamics which sent me and my broken little heart into a massive amount of tears. I've started to huge task of coming out to my family, instead of just being out to my mum. It has been a lot harder than you might think at first glance. My brother for example decided to make some strange comments that read transphobic and sexist. It was really hard for me to bear, because he's just a teenager who's grumpy already. I think they all just need some adjustment time. My grandfather was probably the worst though. He's a gay man, so I thought he would be the most supportive and helpful. Instead he told me that asking for the family to try and use gender neutral pronouns was me asking too much. He told me that! I tried to explain to him that gender neutral pronouns are the only thing I have. The only thing that allows me to express myself and the only thing that makes me feel comfortable. He still thought I was asking too much. I still cringe on the inside when I hear the she and her roll of of his tongue now.

It's been hard, and it's not about to get any easier. I have to sit down with my father and step mother. I have many younger siblings, and this is going to effect them sooner or later. I can't just come home fully passing as a boy and expect nothing to be different. It's hard for me, because there are so many people involved. Family is really important on both sides, my father's side for example can't believe I was home for over 24 hours before seeing my grandparents. I should have gone and seen them first thing out of bed on Saturday morning. No questions asked. How are things going to change when I come home as a boy. I think facial hair will be too much for many of them t handle, but will I shape myself for their comfort. I don't want to lose my family, I love hearing their stories and eating food and just being around all the general merriment. It is something I have had my entire life, and I know that it matters a lot.

I've decided that at least my future partner will not have to explain too much about me. I want to pass as a male, because being a genderqueer lawyer may not go over too well. I also love the idea of being a father someday. It makes that little pit in my stomach happy, and excited to grow up.

I am doing okay, and I didn't even have to cry today to get there!

I want to hold your hand

I have been postpoing my next blog post because I was so content with my last one, and I simply do not want to fuck up my mood. So I will talk at you a little bit today about taking time for myself.

since leaving Grant McCracken as mentioned in the last post I’ve been spending a lot of time reading and writing, and away from Grinnell College and other students. Of course in the mail room I’ve had interactions, but my nights have been spent mostly in the comfort of Kate Baumgartner’s extra bed, or the space right in front of it.

This has been a time for me to wind-down from the awful semester that I just ended. Which left me with a caffeine addiction, a nicotine addiction, a hate for D. Campbell, and a big bite of confusion. I left Read 2nd confused about myself, confused about my friends, confused about Grinnell, and confused about what I wanted to do next.

These last few days have been emotionally rewarding. As well as physically detoxing! No, I have not broken my caffeine nor my nicotine addictions, but I have take a huge step back from both. I even went 24 hours without a cigarette and around 10 waking hours without caffeine.

I needed to take some time to recharge because I am about to face the summer, where I am surrounded by girls 24 hours a day from Sunday afternoons until Friday afternoons. I do get 3 hour breaks everyday but Thursday, yet I still worry about the girls and about other camp related stuff. Yet, I am so excited and motivated for this summer. I’ve been looking forward to it for a few months now.

I’ve spent my time reading, writing, gardening, and enjoying silence. I couldn’t be happier with staying in a night, or being bored for a hour. But this all must end soon as Tuesday morning at 2.20 am my bus leaves Des Moines and I am off towards my next adventure.

Before then I must pack food, do laundry, see a few people, and sleep. I add sleep into this, because I’ve not been sleeping regularly. My nights don’t end until well after 2 am. This sleep cycle will kick my ass at camp, so I need to get into gear this next week.

Along with recharging, I got my family dose yesterday. My 6 year old sister, 4 year old brother, greying father, and pregnant step-mum all came to Grinnell for the day. We spent time in the park. Went for a swim. Talked to Zoe on skype. I got my Kewanee gossip and Family gossip from my dad and step-mum. This happened while I stared at the celine in the hotel room and the talked on either side of me. I played with toys. We coloured. Levi caught me singing to Pokemon theme song and made me sing it again. Instead I put on my i-tunes. Then we continued to listen to the who album with the visualizer on. I unfortunately fell asleep and woke up to Haylie staring at me. (This is a normal occurrence at home) It made me super home sick, but in only 81 more days I will see her again (and my cat)!


Now I am ready to run away to Colorado with the choppy cell phone reception, cold mountain air, girl scouts, and summer stories.

I will report back to you all about my 15 hours in greyhound buses, and my stay with Banana. Until then - happy travels in your own lives. Weather they are big or small!


p.s the title of this post refers to all of you in the world I am missing right now. consider your hands held tight ^_^

Irish Funeral Prayer

To add a little bit of culture into your life, and because my mother has asked me to learn it. I will post part of the Irish funeral prayer I am learning. I choose this part, because we sing a song at camp that has these same verses.


May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face.May the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, May the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand.


Now why must I learn this prayer, because I am to give it at my grandfathers funeral. I was informed of this today. No, he hasn't died and he is actually out of the hospital. Today when he talked to my mother he told her about an old Irish tradition and said that he gave the prayer at his grandfather's funeral and he would like if I gave it. The thing is he didn't want to ask me himself because he doesn't want me to think about him as dying. BAH, what a strange time of my life this is!

the stories your grandparents tell

My life is a series of surprises. I think that everyone's is but I try to never stick to a routine but instead walk a different way to class or to the grocery store, but the other day I was surprised in a way that I still can not fully explain.

I called my grandmother to thank her for he birthday car she had sent me. We were talking and ended up on the conversation of my gay grandfather and the life they lived together before he was gay. I think this came up because I finally had the balls to mention in brief passing my girlfriend. I have never ever used those words with my grandmother even with really serious girls like Anna! It just NEVER happened. But anyway that is a whole other story about how I did not even receive a reaction from her about it (thank goodness!)

So we were talking and the conversation went to how the marriage began falling apart even before he came out because he was on a lot of drugs at the time. My grandmother then said, "but hey it was 1968, 69 and 70 we were all on a lot of drugs then!" Now if that was not enough my grandmother then went into a description of all the drugs she has ever taken! Which as far as I can tell was everything available that you didn't have to smoke or wasn't LSD. This she explained to me was because her father always told her that she shouldn't smoke because it wasn't lady like. The reason behind not messing with LSD was because a man on TV always talked about how his daughter took LSD and thought she could fly but ended up killing herself.

It was really strange to have this conversation with my grandmother, but I am really glad that it happened.

We still have a lot to learn

There is something to the music that children bring to our lives.
I am from a large family of 4 girls and 2 boys.
I am the 2nd oldest in this line of 6.
When I go home there is always someone to play with.
My 5 (nearly 6) year old sister is such a light into my world.

I want to show her so much about life, but also know that she needs to discover it alone.
How do you show someone how to love with all of there heart, when you know it is so easy to break. How do you teach someone how to grow flowers when you know the frost kills them every year. How do you teach someone to dance in the rain and bath in the sun when you know the toxins that both carry.
I want my sister to grow up in this world, but I also want to save her from it.

It is so very hard for me to see how excited she is about each turn of the book. I am excited but not as boundlessly hopeful anymore. Reality has begun to set in, no matter how hard I don't want it to.
Someday I will live in the green mountains, and I will grow everything that I eat. and I will save seeds, and write journals. and ride my bike to town. I will be known and unknown at the same time. I will preform poetry in a coffee house and slip out silently after. I will be in love with one person, and all people at the same time. And my sister will know, the world as well as I do.