the colour of dyslexia

I finally realized why I can handle numbers being said aloud to me, such as phone numbers. But I can not deal with letters being read aloud to me in sucession.

With numbers I can group them together better, and I see each number as a colour. This is similar to the way I see sounds that aren't words. I can group these colours together in patterns that make sense and therefore I can insert them into my phone or memory. I was always rather good t remembering phone numbers before the advent of the cell phone in my life.

With letters though I see a picture, normally of the letter, and normally of the letter backwards. This makes it far harder for me to put together last names, or other words that people spell to me. I often need to hear them 2 or 3 times, before getting it right. In most cases, even after the name or word is spelled to me 3 times I still have a letter or two off.

I am still not sure why these have such different associations, but I am glad I can now understand them better.

le sigh
I love self realizations.

selfishness

It has been 10 days since my last update. I have been doing a lot of thinking in that time and quite a few topics were blog worthy, but lifting my fingers the the keyboard didn't happen as smoothly.

I've been working a lot on Trans Awareness Week. In fact, today I need to work more on my workshop. I am going to be talking about sex. More specifically how to talk about sex with your partner if he/she/ze is trans, or transitioning. Or if you are the trans person, how to address these issues with your partner. I am really excited about this discussion, and I hope people leave the space empowered and excited about sex.

In other news I am going to be house-sitting in a few weeks, for a woman who's having surgery in Iowa City. Her cats, are very old and there is the possiblity of one dying either before, or while I am house sitting. This frightens me, but also helps me reminber that life is something I can not control. I can only help the animal feel comfortable, and less scared in it's few days with me.

I am also struck lately with how old my cat is. When I look at her I remember all the years we have been together. Yet she's aged the most in the last few since I've been in College. She walks slower, and is calm most of the time. Even when she's had cat-nip. She looks through eyes, that have seen hundreds of sunrises and many nights. She's beautiful, and I want her to be in my life always. I am aware that this is a selfish and unrealistic wish, yet it is my wish to have.

I have been a bit more selfish lately. I've been worrying about myself. Looking out for my own good. I understand that I am my own burdan, and not someone else's. Other people may help me through the day in small ways, but I still have to live with myself always. I've been taking more alone time, and more showers. I've been sitting in quite places to do my homework. I've been going to sleep at a better hour with my door locked. I've been turning off my phone more often, and leaving it on silent when I am working. The fewer distractions I have, the more productive I am able to be. With school creeping up on me, and life not so far around the corner, I really need to keep up my productiveness and my ability to concentrate on tasks.

Multitasking tires the brain, so I've been trying not to stress my mind out when I have the choice. It's been working for me. I hope I can continue it.

Gloomy poet

Just as I was getting gloomy thinking about the amount of work I lost when my computer crashed I found these two wonderful poems. They are much older. I think I may have been in high school when I wrote them, although I can not fully remember. It was nice to find them and think back to when I was writing and thinking as these poems would suggest. Maybe everything I lost

Piano Man

If you stand just right

You can hear the whispers

Before creativity is lost

In a world all it’s own

You can hear the whispers

No one will disturb you

If you stand just right

You disappear beyond this world

And you too will hear the whispers

Door Dings

Greeters greet, smilers smile, payers pay

Makers make

Society

Simpson is on my mind

It has come to my attention that Simpson college is having trouble with hate related crimes, robberies, and rape on campus. Traditionally this College was seen to be as safe as Grinnell College but in the recent past this is changing. Both pressures of the College and the community around the institution are causing these bias related movements.

I fear for my own safety in the world. Also for the safety of so many people I love. There is a lot of work left to be done in this world to make it safe and accepting for everyone.

women, transgenders, queers, minorities you are on my mind


Simpson College, you are on my mind.

Trans-literancy

I understand people were hurt and shocked by Matthew Shepard's tragic death, my qualms still remain with the media and how they do not allow us to see the real dangers and death and sadness which happens each and every day. I am writing a poem about this right now and maybe it will be done by tomorrow open mike night. I just get really frustrated with the singularity of the movement. We have so much more to grow on and learn from and respond to! Let's make another movie, let's write another book. Let's tell someone else's story. I don't think Sammy's story would be half as successful because she was a Latina minority trans girl. Who wants to hear about the person I will always love and cherish within my heart? I can tell a sob story too, but it really wouldn't sell any copies or be made into a movie.



At. 3.22 today I was sent this e-mail:

Today marks the 11th anniversary of the death of 21-year old University of Wyoming college student Matthew Shepard, a tragic loss that continues to inspire our struggle to create a more just world.

Just last week, Congress approved the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act as part of the National Defense and Authorization Act of 2009, which will now go to the president to be signed into law.

Judy Shepard has recently published an intimate memoir detailing her experience in the days and months following the attack on her son, and her eventual transformation into an internationally known LGBT rights activist, The Meaning of Matthew.

And tonight, over 150 theaters across the country will perform Laramie Ten Years Later, the Tectonic Theater Project's sequel to The Laramie Project.

In conjunction with the Tucson performance of the play, at Centennial Hall on the University of Arizona campus, the 2004 documentary Laramie Inside Out will be broadcast on local PBS affiliate KUAT-TV on October 30th at 11pm. The DVD is available for purchase by community groups, educational institutions and individuals, or can be streamed directly to your desktop from New Day Digital. To learn more about filmmaker Beverly Seckinger and the making of the documentary, read this article from the Fall 2009 issue of the University of Arizona Alumnus magazine.

As the historical impact of Matthew's 1998 murder continues to unfold, educators and community activists have many exciting tools for engaging their students and communities in the ongoing struggle for social justice.


I read this message and still wonder why we commemorate an 11th anniversary of this man death.
I read articles like these all the time

1. Transgeder man killed
2. trans man killed in Turkey
3. another crime of hate
4. trans woman and boyfriend murdered
5. list of unlawfully killed trans individuals

only one of so many deaths results in a criminal conviction. and it is not from the above mentioned cases

I am so ready to get out and change the world.
I hope a lot of people come to our discussion about trans-literacy today
and learn how to help transfolk come out and be safe in this world.

Obama and the HRC

Question proposed to me today by a professor:
What do you think of the HRC speech?


My Answer:
First off you have to understand my complete and deep rooted hate and dissatisfaction with the Human Rights Campaign. In the last 5 years the HRC has pulled all funding and support for the transgender community. This started with pulling their only trans board member out of public policy and agenda making. She retaliated by defaulting her contract and leaving the campaign. Since then the HRC has be unresponsive to trans policy and non-discrimination acts based on gender. I would go as far to say that they actively are hurting the trans gender movement. They would much rather focus on big ticket policy that will make them money, instead of "grassroots" activism which has no place in public policy.

HRC started as a grassroots organization and has since grown into the largest Gay and Lesbian supported organization working on policy and rights in the United States. Unfortunately, they do only focus on gay and lesbian rights, pushing many more marginal groups into nearly helpless situations.

I was happy that they invited President Obama to speak, but I also see it as one more big ticket buy that the HRC is pulling. It saddens me that something like human rights can become so politically driven that the less desirable and marginal groups within the movement are forgotten. To me this seems like a deconstruction of community and the larger queer movement. I hope that Obama can change the "don't ask don't tell" policy but I think it will do very little for the movement entirely. I also am very happy to see the president moving on this front so quickly seeing as it was the only "queer" promise in his entire campaign (which I still find disheartening). I hope that things continue to change and that human rights can be exhibited throughout ever aspect of life and politics. I understand the President's reasoning to speak for the HRC, but I can't support them because I can not support the HRC in any form. Also the fetishizing of Matthew Shepherd continues to upset me because so many more queer and even trans people have died since that time that no one ever cares to mention. I can not help but hate the way media is played and in turn used against us. Also Obama is focusing mostly on the gay and lesbian issue, including maybe some more queers because of new hate crime legislation. This legislation, though, still only focuses on sexual orientation. The whole gender and trans issue is left out of the game. I can not support change until it supports me.

10/10

Today I shall:

Drink beer
write fiction
make belated phone calls

Step on some toes

I have made the conscious decision to start using they and them as pronouns to describe individuals whos gender identity I have never been explained. This includes: all strangers, professors, and aquaintences who have never refered to themselves with a pronoun.

I have been doing a pretty good job so far, and I hope to continue. I don't want anyone to be offended that I am taking away their pronoun, so if you haven't explained your gender orientation maybe it's time to think about it and get to understanding why you choose your pronoun.

If we much have gendered pronouns at least we should have the choice to choose them and have the responsibility to question them before falling into our specific categories.

Theatre [comma] Sleep [comma] Cramps [comma] life

I've been missing lately
but the show goes up tomorrow

I should be back after a good sleep tonight
That's the goal anyway.


I will write you a nice whitty story about my life in the past month, maybe even give you some cute illustrations.

Later



Waiting for 1.5 banners to print (both are qued up)
and designing the last for this show

Then I should be ready to give it up
blah



Life