4 miles.
37.28 minutes.
tonight I drink beer.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Checking in
This week has been about forming a schedule and making it work.
I learned something very important about my food schedule. And that is, I like not having a schedule better. I eat when I am hungry, go to the dinning hall when it is convenient, and don't when it isn't. I don't feel obligated, or forced and I really like that.
I like to think that I am an adaptable person, that I don't have to be forced into a routine.
I hope that continues.
On a side note I started swimming this week. It has been a whole other mental struggle for me. Swimming is harder than running, and frankly I am worried about it.
I'm not so sure about the whole triathlon thing, but I am determined to make it even if I am not sure. Great things only happen with dedication, time, and by showing up.
so fuck it, I am going to keep showing up. Keep getting out of bed at 7 am. And I am going to keep going, because I don't have much other choice.
I promise to blog about something interesting again soon.
like hair growth or hamstrings, or politics. Something.
I learned something very important about my food schedule. And that is, I like not having a schedule better. I eat when I am hungry, go to the dinning hall when it is convenient, and don't when it isn't. I don't feel obligated, or forced and I really like that.
I like to think that I am an adaptable person, that I don't have to be forced into a routine.
I hope that continues.
On a side note I started swimming this week. It has been a whole other mental struggle for me. Swimming is harder than running, and frankly I am worried about it.
I'm not so sure about the whole triathlon thing, but I am determined to make it even if I am not sure. Great things only happen with dedication, time, and by showing up.
so fuck it, I am going to keep showing up. Keep getting out of bed at 7 am. And I am going to keep going, because I don't have much other choice.
I promise to blog about something interesting again soon.
like hair growth or hamstrings, or politics. Something.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Week 3:
This week really brought with it a lot of surprised and achievements in my workout plan and progression. This was a hard week mentally, and emotionally but I was able to drive all that extra unwanted energy and stress into my workouts. One day, I did find that after only 2 miles of my run I had the overwhelming urge to cry. Instead of pushing this emotion away from me, I left the gym and allowed myself to cry the whole way back to my room, and then made myself tea and took a shower. Afterward, I felt great and even did some push-up and sit-up routines in my room. Not enough to make myself sweaty again though.
Also my body is really starting to show all the work I am putting into it. My running is getting faster, and I am sustain it longer. I am also finding ways to enjoy it more. For example, I downloaded the e-book the Odyssey. Instead of spending countless hours milling over the book. I listen to it while running and biking. It's really a great way to let my mind wonder and create the story as I forget how hard I am working.
And running really is mental. I have found a treadmill that I really like. Mostly because of the way I feel like I am running through the windows when I am on it. However, when I don't have the treadmill I have to revise my mental state when running. It's a bit harder for me. But I am working on it, and doing quite well for myself actually.
I have a lot of former athletes supporting me, and giving me tips as well.
Week 3, you were a hard week. Yet, I made it through stronger more confident and with great looking arms. That's right, I am becoming ever so slightly buff.
Life is absolutely beautifully amazing.
p.s. I am not on acedemic probation, but I do have to talk to my advisers about what happened last semester. I know they will both be concerned, yet understanding. I will also prove to them with this semester that I can be an amazing student again. I've already turned down designing a show, which was hard for me. I know I didn't have the time to do it well and stay on top of my school work in the way that I need to this semester. Still, I feel like I am slowly losing theatre and I want to keep as much as I can in my life.
p.p.s. I am growing up. Whoa.
This week really brought with it a lot of surprised and achievements in my workout plan and progression. This was a hard week mentally, and emotionally but I was able to drive all that extra unwanted energy and stress into my workouts. One day, I did find that after only 2 miles of my run I had the overwhelming urge to cry. Instead of pushing this emotion away from me, I left the gym and allowed myself to cry the whole way back to my room, and then made myself tea and took a shower. Afterward, I felt great and even did some push-up and sit-up routines in my room. Not enough to make myself sweaty again though.
Also my body is really starting to show all the work I am putting into it. My running is getting faster, and I am sustain it longer. I am also finding ways to enjoy it more. For example, I downloaded the e-book the Odyssey. Instead of spending countless hours milling over the book. I listen to it while running and biking. It's really a great way to let my mind wonder and create the story as I forget how hard I am working.
And running really is mental. I have found a treadmill that I really like. Mostly because of the way I feel like I am running through the windows when I am on it. However, when I don't have the treadmill I have to revise my mental state when running. It's a bit harder for me. But I am working on it, and doing quite well for myself actually.
I have a lot of former athletes supporting me, and giving me tips as well.
Week 3, you were a hard week. Yet, I made it through stronger more confident and with great looking arms. That's right, I am becoming ever so slightly buff.
Life is absolutely beautifully amazing.
p.s. I am not on acedemic probation, but I do have to talk to my advisers about what happened last semester. I know they will both be concerned, yet understanding. I will also prove to them with this semester that I can be an amazing student again. I've already turned down designing a show, which was hard for me. I know I didn't have the time to do it well and stay on top of my school work in the way that I need to this semester. Still, I feel like I am slowly losing theatre and I want to keep as much as I can in my life.
p.p.s. I am growing up. Whoa.
Monday, January 18, 2010
resistance happens
I have hit a mental road blog in my running process, but I have the confidence necessary to over come it. Indoors in the treadmill I am clocking 3 - 10 minute miles on a low level hill intensity. However when I am outside I can only go about .5 miles until dread and doom infiltrate my brain and cause me pain and anguish in my body.
I know it is a mental thing. I know that I am in shape enough to run the easy couple of miles I am setting in front of me. Somehow though my brain is overriding my physically capability and causing me to fail at said goals.
Now, I have done a bit of reading and almost all signs point to mentality tricking your brain into forgetting that you are running, or focusing on something else in order to not think about running.
I have decided that on the treadmill I am capable of relaxing my mind and simply running because I can not see the goal so I can not fail to reach it. The treadmill will keep going even if I fall off the back too, so I have to suck it up and keep up. Outside however I often decide I will go a certian distance, normally marked by a set course and start finish. Right now in my training I can not focus on starts and finishes. Having a goal just reminds me that I am not always able to reach it.
Thus, I have concluded that tomorrow instead of saying I will do 2 miles outside then weight lift before doing another 2 miles inside. I will say that I will spend 20 minutes running outside, without a set place to run then go to the gym. This way I may spend longer than 20 minutes running and I will hopefully be taken some place in Grinnell that I have never gone before.
Mind over running. I am going to get the mentality of running down. It's just like meditation, and I can't wait to me a meditative runner. It is just going to take a little more patience and time on my part to get all the way there.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
convince me?
Yesterday at work I found myself reading an article in Newsweek titled: The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage
Theodore Olson may be known to you as a conservative lawyer who supported Bush, and his administration, but you may also be surprised to hear he has a positive voice in Perry v. Schwarzenegger. His argument is simple enough, gays and lesbians are a part of our society and have been for sometime, so why are they not treated equally. He talks in the article about how privilege and respect are entitled to every human being. When we are not allowing these basic human rights Olson argues that we are saying these humans are worth less, are less legitimate, and less permanent making them less valuable in our communities. This is something that Olson says we do not have the influence to decide. The argument that Olson finds most frustrating is the argument that tradition should dictate our decisions on Prop 8 and gay marriage. He is not convinced because traditions are always changing and "simply because something has always been done a certain way does not mean that it must always remain that way."
I am though not fully convinced, impressed, or trusting of Theodore Olson. I am though happy that he is fighting and arguing his case for gay marriage. The conservative voice is important in this discussion and he is countering very basic arguments. In general he is reaching a pretty wide audience but he is limited in that all his examples of gay and lesbian marriage are stable white couples. The article printed in Newsweek pictures 5 different gay and lesbian couples, all of which lack outward minorities. I understand that we must know our audience, and in this case we are bidding towards to conservatives, but I don't think we need to lose our diversity and colour when doing that.
Olson writes that, "the right to marry helps us to define ourselves and out place in a community." This is a conservative argument that my politics can not get behind, because I do not believe that we are defined by those we wish to spend the rest of our lives with. I think it's just as important to be part of a community regardless of marriage. I wish that we, the queer movement, could be taken seriously and treated equally regardless of marriage. Will marriage change the way queer students are treated in high school?
Also I find myself again not supported by the laws and institutions. I am not one to counter the gay rights movement or the marriage bills, but I am always unsatisfied by the approach and the content of the changes we only hope to make. I think we are legitimately trying to help people an include a huge community, but I am not convinced we are going about the process in the correct way. I wish we outwardly included people of colour, and transgenders in the movement, conservative or not because we can not hide these people when change does begin to happen.
My question remains, why will marriage make us equal?
Overall I am happy that some other, more conservative voices are becoming involved and heard I am hopeful that the movement will eventually be good for everyone. I just don't want us to lose sight of that 'eventually', by focusing on appeasing the conservative because that's not productive or fair to the movement.
Let me here your thoughts!?
I know there are lots of arguments to be made and I only have one of many. I am open to all your conservative, liberal, socialist, communist, democratic, etc. views, even if I don't agree or am not fully convinced yet.
Theodore Olson may be known to you as a conservative lawyer who supported Bush, and his administration, but you may also be surprised to hear he has a positive voice in Perry v. Schwarzenegger. His argument is simple enough, gays and lesbians are a part of our society and have been for sometime, so why are they not treated equally. He talks in the article about how privilege and respect are entitled to every human being. When we are not allowing these basic human rights Olson argues that we are saying these humans are worth less, are less legitimate, and less permanent making them less valuable in our communities. This is something that Olson says we do not have the influence to decide. The argument that Olson finds most frustrating is the argument that tradition should dictate our decisions on Prop 8 and gay marriage. He is not convinced because traditions are always changing and "simply because something has always been done a certain way does not mean that it must always remain that way."
I am though not fully convinced, impressed, or trusting of Theodore Olson. I am though happy that he is fighting and arguing his case for gay marriage. The conservative voice is important in this discussion and he is countering very basic arguments. In general he is reaching a pretty wide audience but he is limited in that all his examples of gay and lesbian marriage are stable white couples. The article printed in Newsweek pictures 5 different gay and lesbian couples, all of which lack outward minorities. I understand that we must know our audience, and in this case we are bidding towards to conservatives, but I don't think we need to lose our diversity and colour when doing that.
Olson writes that, "the right to marry helps us to define ourselves and out place in a community." This is a conservative argument that my politics can not get behind, because I do not believe that we are defined by those we wish to spend the rest of our lives with. I think it's just as important to be part of a community regardless of marriage. I wish that we, the queer movement, could be taken seriously and treated equally regardless of marriage. Will marriage change the way queer students are treated in high school?
Also I find myself again not supported by the laws and institutions. I am not one to counter the gay rights movement or the marriage bills, but I am always unsatisfied by the approach and the content of the changes we only hope to make. I think we are legitimately trying to help people an include a huge community, but I am not convinced we are going about the process in the correct way. I wish we outwardly included people of colour, and transgenders in the movement, conservative or not because we can not hide these people when change does begin to happen.
My question remains, why will marriage make us equal?
Overall I am happy that some other, more conservative voices are becoming involved and heard I am hopeful that the movement will eventually be good for everyone. I just don't want us to lose sight of that 'eventually', by focusing on appeasing the conservative because that's not productive or fair to the movement.
Let me here your thoughts!?
I know there are lots of arguments to be made and I only have one of many. I am open to all your conservative, liberal, socialist, communist, democratic, etc. views, even if I don't agree or am not fully convinced yet.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Insomnia and a poem
I was thinking today about my last bout of depression and insomnia, it was in late September and some into October. I never fully recovered during the semester, because my school work had already suffered but I continued to create a lot of poetry and did end up on a 'regular' sleep schedule. Normally when I go home I end back up in my insomniac tendencys, but this time that didn't happen. I went home and slept no more than 9 hours at a time, mostly only 8. I drank Coffee only in the morning, and maybe a cup of tea in the afternoon. What I didn't do is finish any poetry, though I started a lot.
Now I am on a training plan (as mentioned in the post before this one) and therefore I have to take care to eat and sleep enough. I grew up really quickly, and have been pretty much dependent upon myself since leaving the comfort of home when I was 16 years old. Now, though, I am faced with a whole new level of care and self appreciation. I can feel mussels in my body that I don't remember and I have to worry about injury and reaching my peak. This means I can't let myself slip into the insomnia world again, because 8 hours of sleep is an important and necessary recovery time. My knowledge, and understanding of this impressed even myself. I am being responsible and helpful to my own body, and I really like it. I am in awe with myself right now, and I know I keep posting about it. Yet, it is important and different and therefore blog worthy.
Yet, what you were really looking for was a poem so I will oblige and promise to continue working on the others even if I don't do them at 2 am I can still write in the afternoon.
Drugs
N. Jameson
My drunk head screams at me in a way that I have never been able to accurately explain.
I haven't touched alcohol in weeks
and cigarettes haven't crossed my mouths and lungs for months
The only drug pumping through my veins is an antihistamine
blocking my death by chocolate almost literally.
and it's not poetic that I am saving my own life
but my nose squeaks and the dark room isn't increasing
instead it is pressing into my sides like a dagger looking for a heart
my mind clouds with words that I can not trace
and my head looks for a pillow far away from my bed
half the time I don't even turn on a light
letting my ink flow onto paper and walls and arms
whatever it can reach to
when I lay down with a poem in my head
my mind will race and wrap around it intoxicating my body
I am lost in it, working it
never connecting with it
the words and ideas never specific but overlapping
I lose control of what is happening, and it just speaks for itself.
Now I am on a training plan (as mentioned in the post before this one) and therefore I have to take care to eat and sleep enough. I grew up really quickly, and have been pretty much dependent upon myself since leaving the comfort of home when I was 16 years old. Now, though, I am faced with a whole new level of care and self appreciation. I can feel mussels in my body that I don't remember and I have to worry about injury and reaching my peak. This means I can't let myself slip into the insomnia world again, because 8 hours of sleep is an important and necessary recovery time. My knowledge, and understanding of this impressed even myself. I am being responsible and helpful to my own body, and I really like it. I am in awe with myself right now, and I know I keep posting about it. Yet, it is important and different and therefore blog worthy.
Yet, what you were really looking for was a poem so I will oblige and promise to continue working on the others even if I don't do them at 2 am I can still write in the afternoon.
Drugs
N. Jameson
My drunk head screams at me in a way that I have never been able to accurately explain.
I haven't touched alcohol in weeks
and cigarettes haven't crossed my mouths and lungs for months
The only drug pumping through my veins is an antihistamine
blocking my death by chocolate almost literally.
and it's not poetic that I am saving my own life
but my nose squeaks and the dark room isn't increasing
instead it is pressing into my sides like a dagger looking for a heart
my mind clouds with words that I can not trace
and my head looks for a pillow far away from my bed
half the time I don't even turn on a light
letting my ink flow onto paper and walls and arms
whatever it can reach to
when I lay down with a poem in my head
my mind will race and wrap around it intoxicating my body
I am lost in it, working it
never connecting with it
the words and ideas never specific but overlapping
I lose control of what is happening, and it just speaks for itself.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
First Mile
Recent Harvard Medical studies have shown that happiness is a virus that spreads through closs social networks, and friend groups. At the same time, habits spread the same way. Smoking, drinking, depression, and obesity are also found to spread through friend groups (luckily not as quickly and efficiently though.)
I have been infected by the workout bug. Although I am not completely happy right now in my life a lot has happened that continues to push me towards a grounded place. For example, today I left the warmth and comfort of the bunker to venture through treacherous winds and snow to work out at the gym. I have never been that person. The only reason I did so well at club sports, is because I was responsible for someone else. Doing something like exercise for myself, was never enough of a motivation
Recently though I was bitten by a very infectious bug, and I went crazy. Crazy enough to be doing a triathlon on May 1st 2010. (113 days from now). It is a Sprint Triathlon meaning 300yd swimming, 15 miles biking, ending in a 5K run. I have spent the last 4 days in the gym testing out all the parts of my body, to see where my strengths and weaknesses lie.Today was my "chill" day and I went to the gym looking for only a light run and some push-ups. No lifting, or crazy feats of power and endurance. Once I got on the treadmill though I felt this overwhelming urge to disappear into my head and just move. I set the pace at 5.5 mph and went. After 1.7 miles I stoped for a couple sips of water then I just picked back up where I left off. I ended up running 3 miles in 32.47 minutes. I am very proud and impressed with myself, because it was a great pace and it still leaves a lot of room for me to improve. I was pushing it, but not struggling and the first 2 miles just happened without me thinking about them. I probably would have gotten through the 3rd better, had I not then set the goal to make it until 3 miles. Before that conscious decision, I was just running because it felt good and I was still able to.
I placed myself into a sort of meditation. It was amazing because even after the workout I was in a soft dream like state when walking back to my room. I was perfectly content with everything around me, and all that was and continues to be my life.
I was happy, and I haven't been that happy in a long time. I really hope that the gym and the roads continue to bring me great levels of happiness, because now that I've seen them again I am not keen on letting it go.
After the workout I came back to my room, showered, then did some body relaxation meditation.
Needless to say, I have never felt better in my life. My mind and body are so relaxed and ready to kick anyone's ass. Did I mention working out makes me really egotistic? It's sort of an awful trait to harbor, but I hope to work on it.
In Conclusion, my life was really shitty so I started working out and now I'm more excited than I have been in months for something.
Goal 1: May 1st 2010 Siouxperman Triathlon
Goal 2: Chicago Area Summer 5K (more information pending)
Goal 3: Oktoberfest 10K run, Marshalltown September 26 2010 (to qualify for the Boulder, Boulder I need another 10K race under my belt)
Goal 4: Hoffin'It 2010 5K with Kate Baumgartner, Grinnell Iowa
Goal 5: Boulder Boulder 10K, May 31 2011
These are the big things to look forward to in the coming months.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Cold Campbell's From the Can
The turn from 2009 to 2010 has gotten a lot of attention from other bloggers, news programs, and friendly conversations yet I am hesitant to speak about my thoughts surrounding this new year. I am not fully sure why, but 2009 was the worst year of my conscious life. There were some things that I fully enjoyed, but mostly I lived in a constant state of depression and drug use. I did somewhat successfully quit smoking cigaretts, although recently I have really been longing for the cool draw of the nicotine and the sudden rush and clarity it brings to my head. I have also had a few fall backs in that time, eg. 10/10 and the night of drag show. Yet, I do not dwell on these situations as failures, but as ways to keep moving on from my relationship with nicotine.
I have also changed my relationship with alcohol. This is a constant battle with me, because I am never fully convinced drinking is what I want to do. I love the act of beer consumption though, and I have to keep good beer in my life. It has always been important to me, and I think beer in moderation will continue to be part of my life. Wine has also found an interesting spot, as I have enjoyed drinking it when editing poetry. Not when actually composing anything, but in the process of making things better, or different Red Wines have found a new home.
Chess has also taken hold in my life. I find it calming and solid. I've been playing a correspondence game online, and I think that I will soon start another. I enjoy taking tie to challenge my brain to think in a slightly different way. I also have a few friends at Grinnell who find Chess interesting and enjoy playing, therefore I plan to continue games with them in the coming semester.
I want 2010 to be less stressful and dramatic than 2009, because I was a mental and emotional wreck for most of the year. I think that is because I was not happy with things in my life that I couldn't control. I think most of those things have sorted, changed or be removed from my life. I am also fully out as a transman to my family, and they all seem to be trying really hard to understand and help me through my transition. Which leads me into a year where I have to be more selfish and think about the person I am becoming. The gym is going to become a friend of mine as I want a health body for my healthy mind. I also want to work harder at school. I have been letting it slide a little in the last 2 semesters due to the stress of my personal life, but I hope to be in a place where school work and academics can thrive and where I can be proud about the work I am doing.
My transition will officially start on March 20th when I go to my first doctor's appointment, the week there-after I will given my first dose of Testosterone. April will be a hard month, where my body is getting use to the T and I am feeling and thinking in such different ways. I will soon be starting a weekly blog or webpage dedicated to my transition because it will be important to have a space to express my concerns and changes. I also spent a lot of time reading blogs of other individuals personal transitions in the last years, therefore I hope my own story will be helpful. In July I plan to change my name. By the end of my Senior year I hope to have everything lined up to live the rest of my life as a genderqueer transman. I want new people I meet to only ever assume that I am a androgynous male. As for pronouns, we will discuss that in the next few months.
Until then I will be eating cold campbell's soup from the can, and saving all my pennys for the life that is ahead of me.
I have also changed my relationship with alcohol. This is a constant battle with me, because I am never fully convinced drinking is what I want to do. I love the act of beer consumption though, and I have to keep good beer in my life. It has always been important to me, and I think beer in moderation will continue to be part of my life. Wine has also found an interesting spot, as I have enjoyed drinking it when editing poetry. Not when actually composing anything, but in the process of making things better, or different Red Wines have found a new home.
Chess has also taken hold in my life. I find it calming and solid. I've been playing a correspondence game online, and I think that I will soon start another. I enjoy taking tie to challenge my brain to think in a slightly different way. I also have a few friends at Grinnell who find Chess interesting and enjoy playing, therefore I plan to continue games with them in the coming semester.
I want 2010 to be less stressful and dramatic than 2009, because I was a mental and emotional wreck for most of the year. I think that is because I was not happy with things in my life that I couldn't control. I think most of those things have sorted, changed or be removed from my life. I am also fully out as a transman to my family, and they all seem to be trying really hard to understand and help me through my transition. Which leads me into a year where I have to be more selfish and think about the person I am becoming. The gym is going to become a friend of mine as I want a health body for my healthy mind. I also want to work harder at school. I have been letting it slide a little in the last 2 semesters due to the stress of my personal life, but I hope to be in a place where school work and academics can thrive and where I can be proud about the work I am doing.
My transition will officially start on March 20th when I go to my first doctor's appointment, the week there-after I will given my first dose of Testosterone. April will be a hard month, where my body is getting use to the T and I am feeling and thinking in such different ways. I will soon be starting a weekly blog or webpage dedicated to my transition because it will be important to have a space to express my concerns and changes. I also spent a lot of time reading blogs of other individuals personal transitions in the last years, therefore I hope my own story will be helpful. In July I plan to change my name. By the end of my Senior year I hope to have everything lined up to live the rest of my life as a genderqueer transman. I want new people I meet to only ever assume that I am a androgynous male. As for pronouns, we will discuss that in the next few months.
Until then I will be eating cold campbell's soup from the can, and saving all my pennys for the life that is ahead of me.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Poetry that moves
I have been walking a lot more, as in I have been taking a walk everyday at about the same time. Trying to clear my head and center myself again. It's been a really nice and stable addition to my life. I think I will continue it, maybe that will be my only resolution of this new year and new decade.
A Late Walk
Robert Frost
WHEN I go up through the mowing field,
The headless aftermath,
Smooth-laid like thatch with the heavy dew,
Half closes the garden path.
And when I come to the garden ground,
The whir of sober birds
Up from the tangle of withered weeds
Is sadder than any words.
A tree beside the wall stands bare,
But a leaf that lingered brown,
Disturbed, I doubt not, by my thought,
Comes softly rattling down.
I end not far from my going forth
By picking the faded blue
Of the last remaining aster flower
To carry again to you.
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