JUMP

Kate and I really need to learn how to take our own advice.
This is a poem I wrote off of something she said once while cooking. Although, it was initially for her, now that it is finished it is really for me.

It's time that we all, jump.



Windblown (Jump)
N. Jameson

I sent you a letter in the wind today
I expect it to arrive the day after tomorrow
perhaps a little disheveled with water spots and runny ink
The wind may have torn it some so I hope that you can still read it.
with any luck you will understand my meaning
knowing that the story I wrote upon the paper
was the story of how we met
I was up the same tree with my shoes untied
when I wrote it
the clouds were floating by and my hair got sticky with sap.
I didn't throw my pencil though, not this time
Love, you should know that I am not so young anymore
many things have happened in the space and the time
I have held my head high and changed the colour of my hair
I have made many phone calls and even changed my job
I have a cat now, would you have ever guessed
and we live in a place with a yard where I grow tomatoes
yes, I've lived there long enough to have tomatoes more than once.
I don't expect you to respond.
the wind only carries things one way after all.
but I love you, even through the wind, the rain, the time
I've needed you often, but made it through on my own
I have learned who I am
slowly, like the letter I am
I will be floating away, wind torn and tattered
I need to sign off
because I will be taking to the seas on an unsteady ship
to get where I am going next

Weddings

My mother has set an October wedding date.
Along with that she has began to think about the dress and the people going to be involved.
I have began to think about how unbelievably gender weddings are. If all goes according to planed I will have already started hormone treatment by the day of her wedding, meaning I will be on my way to becoming the transman I want to become. My mother wants me to be her maid of honor, and what well respected gay man would turn her down. The only problem I know face is the fact that she keeps asking me to wear a dress. I keep saying that I won't. Last night I said that she couldn't expect me to be in a dress. She asked me why and I finally pulled the card. I compared myself to my brother, and said she would never ask him to be in a dress. And I am offended that she's asking me to be when she knows the extent of my gender.

This morning she apologized, but it just keep reminding me how much further we have to go.
He assumptions about me are all still very gendered, and I may not ever be able to change them. It hurts a little to think that, but I am sure of it's truth.

Weddings are a gender thing, especially in small town America. Men walk women down the aisle. Women wear dresses and men tuxedos. There are a few weddings that stray from this form, but for the most part we remain traditional. It's only too bad that I don't fit into my mother's traditional life that way anymore.

Coming out Again

I am actually trucking right along as far as coming out as trans to my folks goes. All of the parents in my life know know and we are working on solutions of how to break the news to 7 year old. My father said straight up that he didn't understand, but loves me and supports me. (he also admitted to not having understood my sexuality as a lesbian but came to accept it and 'roll with it') I think it is in fact a lot of information to process and handle at one time. Especially since my father is older, and from a small midwestern town. He actually does not have much experience with folk who do things a bit different. Looking on the bright-side my dad and stepmum has a lot of questions, and wanted to make sure I was emotionally stable and conscious of the impacts of my choices It was really nice to have their support though, and no tears were spread over the ordeal.

So now I need everyone's feedback. I have a 7 year old sister who absolutly adores her big sister (that's me) and only sees me 4-6 times a year. Meaning the process of my transition will not be a gradual one that she sees and comes to understand. How do we explain to her what is going on. We won't start to process for another 4 months or so, but it would be good to have all the information and coping strategies together from the start. I still want to be the big sister she looks up to, because I love being that role model for her but I also need her to understand the terms of my transition and the fact that I will be a man and not a lady anymore. It a tough question, and I am sure there are many answers it's just a matter of picking the rightest one.

Also my mother is attempting to join sometime of online community for the mothers of transmen. I think it will be really good for her and she will learn from and be able to help more mothers. She's very concerned about the whole doctor switching business, but she understands why I must. We've been going to the same family doctor since moving to Kewanee, 17 years ago. She's in fact the woman who birthed my brother. My mother was taken back when I wanted to start seeing another doctor within the firm of family doctors because the women everyone else sees didn't understand my sexuality.

Yet, my dad and step-mum did ask a lot of questions about what this would do to my sexuality. Including, if I fell in love with a feminine gay man, would I then identify as a gay man. Or would I start to identify as straight after the transition. I didn't explain to them the complexity of my current identity and instead explained the term queer to them. The also had a lot of questions about identifications and marriage. I gave the the correct answers but said I didn't want to make any of these decisions in my life until I have to cross that bridge.

All in all, it was a good day even though I woke up with a fever. I think I stressed myself out too much about the coming out thing and made myself sick. I woke from bad dreams at 6 am and didn't feel right until late into the afternoon. I did make it to the health food store today though and got hummus and soy cheese and soy sour cream! I wanted cream cheese too, but all they had was flavored ones that I don't like.

now, back to my romantic comedies! I am going to watch Bridget Jones's Diary tonight. teehe, I am rather hopeless aren't I!

Family Matters

Last night we had a little break in the family dynamics which sent me and my broken little heart into a massive amount of tears. I've started to huge task of coming out to my family, instead of just being out to my mum. It has been a lot harder than you might think at first glance. My brother for example decided to make some strange comments that read transphobic and sexist. It was really hard for me to bear, because he's just a teenager who's grumpy already. I think they all just need some adjustment time. My grandfather was probably the worst though. He's a gay man, so I thought he would be the most supportive and helpful. Instead he told me that asking for the family to try and use gender neutral pronouns was me asking too much. He told me that! I tried to explain to him that gender neutral pronouns are the only thing I have. The only thing that allows me to express myself and the only thing that makes me feel comfortable. He still thought I was asking too much. I still cringe on the inside when I hear the she and her roll of of his tongue now.

It's been hard, and it's not about to get any easier. I have to sit down with my father and step mother. I have many younger siblings, and this is going to effect them sooner or later. I can't just come home fully passing as a boy and expect nothing to be different. It's hard for me, because there are so many people involved. Family is really important on both sides, my father's side for example can't believe I was home for over 24 hours before seeing my grandparents. I should have gone and seen them first thing out of bed on Saturday morning. No questions asked. How are things going to change when I come home as a boy. I think facial hair will be too much for many of them t handle, but will I shape myself for their comfort. I don't want to lose my family, I love hearing their stories and eating food and just being around all the general merriment. It is something I have had my entire life, and I know that it matters a lot.

I've decided that at least my future partner will not have to explain too much about me. I want to pass as a male, because being a genderqueer lawyer may not go over too well. I also love the idea of being a father someday. It makes that little pit in my stomach happy, and excited to grow up.

I am doing okay, and I didn't even have to cry today to get there!

College

College
By N. Jameson

Hold on you're half where there
I've been living on this prayer
and stale bites of bagel

too many packets of tea
floating by like leafs
we don't want to consume
but we are required
by the rules of college life
we are governed through the academics
pessimistically writing and revising
sometimes we can't even edit ourselves
casual conversations become political,
correctness is lost to the spurs
and slurs of the drunken masses

using coffee cups as cameras
cleaning our glasses on tissues
we are poor and making it
working from the bottom
and making it
they didn't believe in the riot
but we brought it to them
over caffeinated yet apathetic
what are my fingers being used for
not sliding but gliding
over soft computer buttons
lost the taste of human skin

my apples are bruised
and so is my ego
tomorrow I will wake up
and fight another theoretical war

My thoughts on tears

Sometimes the only thing you can do is cry, and know everything will eventually be okay again. Pain is something that everyone feels and we all have to work it out.
I use tears to deal with a lot of situations. Stress and fear and sadness are the prime examples in my own life. I wish it were more acceptable to let tears flow, because for me they are very comforting. I like to feel my emotions, instead of pretending they are not there.


I will be okay, I just might cry a little before I am.

Qg Mandino

Today I am a fish out of water, but these lines by Qg Mandino
have stuck to my surface and have helped in their own way.
I am not yet capsized, even with a gash in my hull
my sails are catching every bit of wind.

All is not lost


If you feel depressed - sing!
If you feel fear, plunge ahead.
If you feel incompetent, remember past successes.
If you feel insignificant, remember your goals.
If you feel poverty, think of wealth to come.
If you feel sad - laugh.
If you must be a slave to habit, then be a slave to good habits.
If you persist long enough, you will win.
If you waste today, you destroy the last page of your life.

find me

I want to write poems like Ani writes lyrics.
This song has always spoken to me in a way that makes me want to be found again.
each time, we still have a long way to go.

"Hypnotized"
Ani DiFranko

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go
And the traffic was hissing by
And i was homesick
And i was high

I was surrounded by a language
In which i could say only hello
And thank you very much
But you spoke so i could understand
And i drew a treasure map on your hand

And you were no picnic
You were no prize
But you had just enough pathos
To keep me hypnotized
Hypnotized

The map led to an island
In a sea of store-bought dreams
Where soulless singers sang
Over beats built by machines

And lovely girls were hovering
Above my head like gulls
With their long slender necks
And their delicate skulls

And i was no picnic
I was no prize
But i had just enough sweetness
To keep you hypnotized
Hypnotized

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go

My cat > most people

As most of you know, I love my cat. I recently decide that I love my cat more than I like most people. Even some of my own family members. (remember Haylie will always fall at the top of the list of people whom I love).

Midnight though has a very special place in my heart and my life. Most of you will never experience the interactions that she and I share.

I was there when Midnight was born, she was the third born in a litter of 5 kittens on my bestfriend's farm. I didn't actually watch her birth, but the father documented the experience well. She was born on the 12th of June, we celebrate this day each year.

I don't remember much from Midnights kitten days, but I ran a paper route to pay for the vet and cat food, though looking back I couldn't have made enough money to have paid for everything considering I managed to keep some of the money from the route. I think my parents just wanted to give me the responsibility, and the thought of a liability without actually putting the burden on a 5th grader. I thought I was keeping her completely on my own though, and was extremely proud of this.

Midnight grew up with me, I told her everything when she was a kitten we would go on adventures in the basement. I would carry her in my backpack with the top open. I was extremely scared of losing her in a fire or tornado, so I made a midnight bag filled with a baby blanket, and dry cat food, and other things I though she would need if we had to leave in a hurry. She's was and still is my baby, that I cared for with all of my heart. Luckily we never had a fire, but I did use the bag when we sat in our basement during a tornado warning. I remember being wrapped up in my blankets sitting on a pillow with midnight in my lap reading a book with a flashlight. I wouldn't let her go, I was so scared of losing her. She hadn't made it to the basement initially and I made my father go up stairs and find her. He wasn't going to, but I started to cry really really hard and I guess he decided his life wasn't at risk but my mental health was.

Midnight was my confidant, she was the first one I told that I was gay. She heard all about my crushes and the happenings at cheer practice. She was and still is the screener of all my poems, helping me word them just right. When I learned German, she learned German. Sitting on my bed looking at my lazily as I recited the words back and forth between English and German.

I've watched midnight grow up, and one day I realized that she was old. This was after my first year of college. I went home after being gone only for a few months and she just seemed slower and less social. She learned to adapt and over come the depression of me being gone, and by the Summer after my first year at college she was far must adjusted.

My second year killed me, because I had planned to bring her back to school to live in my two bedroom situation. Unfortunately the room changed and I was unable to bring her back to school with me. I was crushed but somehow made it though.

I am happy to say that Midnight lives with me full time again. I come home and take time to cuddle with her. I still tell her all about my day. When I wake up in the morning she's in her usual spot at my feet. She's the love of my life. Not phased by any of the crazy things I wear or do or say. She loves Zoe, and Kate and Evan the most important people in my Grinnell life. She's really one of the only reasons I can keep going.

I love my cat.
More that you will ever be able to understand.

My shell

There is something very rewarding about coming home to my room and seeing my slept in bed and feeling the warmth of colours in my room. I am in a good mood, although a little tired I am ready for what this week continues to bring.

I had a slight allergic reaction which left black circles under my eyes from the inflation in my face, but it is the only noticeable mark.

I will live to see another day.
this body is my shell, my home, my everything.

I will be a real boi

I've spent this weekend coming to terms with my tranny self. I am only 3 weeks away from coming out to my father and step-mother. In order to do this efficiently and informatively I've decided to create a time line for them, to explain to them what the steps mean to me and to them. I also want to print off some terminology, and stories of other transmen and bois who have been successful and happy.
Preparing myself for this conversation has made me ready to face my own life a head of me. I am not naive, I understand that it will be hard and complicated but I think that I am finally prepared to grow up an into who I really want to be.

Mostly it started because someone used male pronouns to explain me, and it didn't feel wrong or bad. Then I stumbled upon this which made me realize that I want to grow up and be a father. Often when talking about theoretical children, I get a little excited or I think maybe I could have children. I never thought of it from a father perspective before, but this is actually the most comfortable place for me to think of it from. I don't want to come at parenting as a mother, or an androgynous non-gender binary parent. I want to be a father, almost as much as I want to be a lawyer. This surprised me, but also excited me.

So, my timeline includes hormones, top surgery, and maybe a name change/document changes, and possible another pronoun change later on. I am ready for what life will bring me in the next 5-7 years.

p.s. I finaly bought a binder small enough for my frame. It will be her in 5-7 days. I was very happy that they were back in stock.

p.p.s. I love Ryan

Beating the post Thanksgiving blues

In order to beat away the blues associated with post Thanksgiving I got up this morning and worked out (only a little bit) and cuddled with 3 separate cats, only one of which was my own.

Now I am working on my resume/cover letter. Then i plan on taking a trip to buy a massive amount of candles and 2 pairs of knitting needles (for making socks and gloves).

Then I will spend my afternoon knitting and baking and washing my sheets.



This is what I am baking today

Peanut Butter Chocolate Pillows
makes 2 dozen cookies

Chocolate dough:
1/2 cup canola oil
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup pure maple syrup
3 tablespoons non-dairy milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup unsweetened dutch processed cocoa powder
2 tablespoons black unsweetened cocoa or more dutch processed unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

Filling:
3/4 cup natural salted peanut butter, crunchy or creamy style
2/3 cup confectioner’s sugar
2 to 3 tablespoons soy creamer or non-dairy milk
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a large mixing bowl combine oil, sugar, maple syrup, non-dairy milk and vanilla extract and mix until smooth. Sift in flour, cocoa powder, black cocoa if using, baking soda and salt. Mix to form a moist dough.

Make the filling. In another mixing bowl beat together peanut butter, confectioner’s sugar, 2 tablespoons of soy creamer and vanilla extract to form a moist but firm dough. If peanut butter dough is too dry (as different natural peanut butters have different moisture content), stir in remaining tablespoon of non-dairy milk. If dough is too wet knead in a little extra powdered sugar.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line bakings sheet with parchment paper.

Shape the cookies. Create the centers of the cookies by rolling the peanut butter dough into 24 balls. Scoop a generous tablespoon of chocolate dough, flatten into a disc and place a peanut butter ball in the center. Fold the sides of the chocolate dough up and around the peanut butter center and roll the chocolate ball into an smooth ball between your palms. Place on a sheet of waxed paper and repeat with remaining doughs. If desired gently flatten cookies a little, but this is not necessary.

Place dough balls on lined baking sheets about 2 inches apart and bake for 10 minutes. Remove sheet from oven and let cookies for 5 minutes before moving to a wire rack to complete cooling. Store cookies in tightly covered container. If desired warm cookies in a microwave for 10 to 12 seconds before serving.

Things I am pining after

The first thing on the list of pined after objects is a book called gay haiku this is a funny year real look at a gay man's life through haiku form, it's a book I've been looking at on Amazon for months now and haven't gotten around to buying.

Next on my list is a funny and thought provoking Bu-Jew book. This is a book that adds light to enlightenment for thought Jewish Buddhist who are looking for a way. I've also been reading previews and reviews on this book for a while and haven't obtained my own copy.

Thirdly I've been pining after my law degree. Later this evening I will be taking a LSAT practice exam dry to see where I need to study and work hardest. My actual LSAT date won't be until October of 2010, but with the dyslexia I can't go wrong with starting early. I've also been pining after an adult life. I've been reading about this amazing queer, who's partner is currently pregnant. She had their first child, and now the partner is having the second one. She is also currently in law school, which makes me like her even more. Blog surfing has become my new favorite thing. I meet so many interesting people, most of whom never actually meet me. That's the price I pay in the internet relationship I have formed with blogs though.

I said that I would never pine after the i-phone, but after having my i-touch and wanting to use Google voice I've learned that an I-phone is really up my ally. I can do so many things with it, including board a plane without a paper boarding pass. SO COOL! So I find myself pinning after the Apple/AT&T exclusivity contract to end. Because, no matter how much I want an I-phone, I do not want AT&T to be my service provider.

My daily vitamins

I have had some serious health concerns in my life, and in the past few years. Each time I go to the doctor for something I think is mild he wants to medicate me. I have learned to say 'no' to the over medicated passes of pills from my doctor, but I can not hid the fact that I am sick.

My skin has been showing it the most in the last few weeks, and I have been bruising a lot more than normal. I am going to the doctor on Tuesday to have my stiff and bruising joints checked out. I fear that I have artrites, and I hope that my joint inflammation is just a result of anxiety.

Non the less I take 11 pills daily to keep myself going.
Morning: 1 Flaxseed oil, 1 Calcium, 1 Saint John's Wort
Noon: 1 Mulit-V, 1 B-complex
3pm: 1 flaxseed oil, 1 Saint John's Wort
Evening: 1 Calcium, 1 magnesium
Bed time: 1flaseed oil, 1 Saint John's Wort

They all do different things for me, and help because I can't get everything I need out of my ever worsening diet. The Flaxseed is for heart health and is a substitute for Omega-3 and Fish oil, which I very clearly can not have. The Saint John's Wort is an anxiety helper, and mood regulator. It is suppose to help my highs and lows dealing with anxiety that I face throughout the day. The Calcium is pretty clear. The magnesium is my soul because is needed for more than 300 biochemical reactions in the body. It helps maintain normal muscle and nerve function, keeps heart rhythm steady, supports a healthy immune system, and keeps bones strong. The Multi-V is my second soul because without it I would surely be sick and undernourished all of the time instead of just some of the time. And the b-vitamines are to help with all the other normal body fuctions and hair growth and chemical management.


I am really learning how to take care of myself, I now just need to find out if my online vitamin store will ship to Turkey.

Theatre and my mesmerization

The first time I saw a Theatre piece preformed I was mesmerized. The actors left the space that I could see, and I was sure that they went through doors that lead to fields and more rooms. Of course this way my feeble child mind with an overactive imagination. Backstage spaces were completely foreign and abstract for me.

Now I live for the dark corners, blue run lights, and precariously placed tables filled with props and bread and other things to make a living on the black stage.

I am not sure that I can live without Theatre, even though it also kills me. I've spent 52 hours in the department this week alone, and I have a show and strike tomorrow. This will add another 7 hours to my count. I think though, that this will be the last time that I work for the department this way. I can't handle the stress and laundry and lack of departmental support. I understand that it's a paid position and I decided I wanted to be there, but this doesn't take away from how hard it is. I don't even think the actors, other technicians, and stage management, let alone the director pay any attention to the level of dedication and time spent of costumes.

I awe at costume changes, and thought out pieces when I am watching a show. I know that when something breaks someone spends time to fix it. I wish that everyone knew that, and respected that.

Main Stage theatre is not my thing anymore. Professional Theatre never will be. I am actually not sure after Grinnell if Theatre will continue to be in my life. Maybe it is just a hobby for me, and not my passion or my life.

-untitled-

give up
sometimes you have to

No-nonsense

I am in a no-nonsense situation
I can't fuck around.

I literally fall into bed at night after having not stopped moving practically all day.
I am exhausted.
I wake up and wonder if the circles under my eyes will ever go away.

Once I make it through this week I am golden.

I think that I have given up on NaNoWriMo
Theatre and Academia is more important.

My responces to Maine

I would like to say, that I didn't see it coming. Although, each time someone asked me how I thought the legislation would turn out, my response was less than optimistic. As we can now see, opression, homophobia, and hate has taken ground in Maine. It will be a long process of reversal, and correction.

I am still in the mindset that nothing will happen until this goes federal. Perhaps in it's own way, Maine will piss enough people off that more will become involved. If things keep going our way, then we don't have motivation to change them on a larger scale.

I'm pissed off. I'm not going to be quite about it for long.

p.s. Illinois, why do you remain so silent?

Day 2 - Novel writting in 30 days

I am taking part in the National Novel Writing Month. Lovely called NaNoWriMo. This means I will be writing a 50,000 word novel in the 30 days of November. I am currently over 2,000 words in and it's my second day. I haven't lost my desire or orignial motivation yet either.

In fact I am doing things that will make the Novel better. Such as going to more of the 4.15 talks to educate myself and learn outside of my 4 classes. I'm concurrently reading a trans novel, because I am writing queer fiction. I am also rereading part of my favorite books to use as inspiration and to encourage my writters block.

All the while I am also keeping up in my four classes, eating at least 2 times a day, working 6 hours a week, being a friend, maintaining my romantic relationship, writing a Grinnell Monologue, preparing for Trans Awareness Week, sleeping some, and showering.

I am not going to say this month will be easy, but this novel is something I want to write and to put out there. I also want the satisfaction of knowing I did it while thousands of other people pounded out their souls in fiction.

I will admit to you though that all the creative writing does spark a strong desire to pick up a cigarettes and drink loads of coffee all through the night. But I promised myself if I was going to do this, then I was going to be healthy about it.

Their is no net gain if I kill myself physically or emotionall, fail out of school, or miss out on the life happening around me.

Wish me luck!

the colour of dyslexia

I finally realized why I can handle numbers being said aloud to me, such as phone numbers. But I can not deal with letters being read aloud to me in sucession.

With numbers I can group them together better, and I see each number as a colour. This is similar to the way I see sounds that aren't words. I can group these colours together in patterns that make sense and therefore I can insert them into my phone or memory. I was always rather good t remembering phone numbers before the advent of the cell phone in my life.

With letters though I see a picture, normally of the letter, and normally of the letter backwards. This makes it far harder for me to put together last names, or other words that people spell to me. I often need to hear them 2 or 3 times, before getting it right. In most cases, even after the name or word is spelled to me 3 times I still have a letter or two off.

I am still not sure why these have such different associations, but I am glad I can now understand them better.

le sigh
I love self realizations.

selfishness

It has been 10 days since my last update. I have been doing a lot of thinking in that time and quite a few topics were blog worthy, but lifting my fingers the the keyboard didn't happen as smoothly.

I've been working a lot on Trans Awareness Week. In fact, today I need to work more on my workshop. I am going to be talking about sex. More specifically how to talk about sex with your partner if he/she/ze is trans, or transitioning. Or if you are the trans person, how to address these issues with your partner. I am really excited about this discussion, and I hope people leave the space empowered and excited about sex.

In other news I am going to be house-sitting in a few weeks, for a woman who's having surgery in Iowa City. Her cats, are very old and there is the possiblity of one dying either before, or while I am house sitting. This frightens me, but also helps me reminber that life is something I can not control. I can only help the animal feel comfortable, and less scared in it's few days with me.

I am also struck lately with how old my cat is. When I look at her I remember all the years we have been together. Yet she's aged the most in the last few since I've been in College. She walks slower, and is calm most of the time. Even when she's had cat-nip. She looks through eyes, that have seen hundreds of sunrises and many nights. She's beautiful, and I want her to be in my life always. I am aware that this is a selfish and unrealistic wish, yet it is my wish to have.

I have been a bit more selfish lately. I've been worrying about myself. Looking out for my own good. I understand that I am my own burdan, and not someone else's. Other people may help me through the day in small ways, but I still have to live with myself always. I've been taking more alone time, and more showers. I've been sitting in quite places to do my homework. I've been going to sleep at a better hour with my door locked. I've been turning off my phone more often, and leaving it on silent when I am working. The fewer distractions I have, the more productive I am able to be. With school creeping up on me, and life not so far around the corner, I really need to keep up my productiveness and my ability to concentrate on tasks.

Multitasking tires the brain, so I've been trying not to stress my mind out when I have the choice. It's been working for me. I hope I can continue it.

Gloomy poet

Just as I was getting gloomy thinking about the amount of work I lost when my computer crashed I found these two wonderful poems. They are much older. I think I may have been in high school when I wrote them, although I can not fully remember. It was nice to find them and think back to when I was writing and thinking as these poems would suggest. Maybe everything I lost

Piano Man

If you stand just right

You can hear the whispers

Before creativity is lost

In a world all it’s own

You can hear the whispers

No one will disturb you

If you stand just right

You disappear beyond this world

And you too will hear the whispers

Door Dings

Greeters greet, smilers smile, payers pay

Makers make

Society

Simpson is on my mind

It has come to my attention that Simpson college is having trouble with hate related crimes, robberies, and rape on campus. Traditionally this College was seen to be as safe as Grinnell College but in the recent past this is changing. Both pressures of the College and the community around the institution are causing these bias related movements.

I fear for my own safety in the world. Also for the safety of so many people I love. There is a lot of work left to be done in this world to make it safe and accepting for everyone.

women, transgenders, queers, minorities you are on my mind


Simpson College, you are on my mind.

Trans-literancy

I understand people were hurt and shocked by Matthew Shepard's tragic death, my qualms still remain with the media and how they do not allow us to see the real dangers and death and sadness which happens each and every day. I am writing a poem about this right now and maybe it will be done by tomorrow open mike night. I just get really frustrated with the singularity of the movement. We have so much more to grow on and learn from and respond to! Let's make another movie, let's write another book. Let's tell someone else's story. I don't think Sammy's story would be half as successful because she was a Latina minority trans girl. Who wants to hear about the person I will always love and cherish within my heart? I can tell a sob story too, but it really wouldn't sell any copies or be made into a movie.



At. 3.22 today I was sent this e-mail:

Today marks the 11th anniversary of the death of 21-year old University of Wyoming college student Matthew Shepard, a tragic loss that continues to inspire our struggle to create a more just world.

Just last week, Congress approved the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act as part of the National Defense and Authorization Act of 2009, which will now go to the president to be signed into law.

Judy Shepard has recently published an intimate memoir detailing her experience in the days and months following the attack on her son, and her eventual transformation into an internationally known LGBT rights activist, The Meaning of Matthew.

And tonight, over 150 theaters across the country will perform Laramie Ten Years Later, the Tectonic Theater Project's sequel to The Laramie Project.

In conjunction with the Tucson performance of the play, at Centennial Hall on the University of Arizona campus, the 2004 documentary Laramie Inside Out will be broadcast on local PBS affiliate KUAT-TV on October 30th at 11pm. The DVD is available for purchase by community groups, educational institutions and individuals, or can be streamed directly to your desktop from New Day Digital. To learn more about filmmaker Beverly Seckinger and the making of the documentary, read this article from the Fall 2009 issue of the University of Arizona Alumnus magazine.

As the historical impact of Matthew's 1998 murder continues to unfold, educators and community activists have many exciting tools for engaging their students and communities in the ongoing struggle for social justice.


I read this message and still wonder why we commemorate an 11th anniversary of this man death.
I read articles like these all the time

1. Transgeder man killed
2. trans man killed in Turkey
3. another crime of hate
4. trans woman and boyfriend murdered
5. list of unlawfully killed trans individuals

only one of so many deaths results in a criminal conviction. and it is not from the above mentioned cases

I am so ready to get out and change the world.
I hope a lot of people come to our discussion about trans-literacy today
and learn how to help transfolk come out and be safe in this world.

Obama and the HRC

Question proposed to me today by a professor:
What do you think of the HRC speech?


My Answer:
First off you have to understand my complete and deep rooted hate and dissatisfaction with the Human Rights Campaign. In the last 5 years the HRC has pulled all funding and support for the transgender community. This started with pulling their only trans board member out of public policy and agenda making. She retaliated by defaulting her contract and leaving the campaign. Since then the HRC has be unresponsive to trans policy and non-discrimination acts based on gender. I would go as far to say that they actively are hurting the trans gender movement. They would much rather focus on big ticket policy that will make them money, instead of "grassroots" activism which has no place in public policy.

HRC started as a grassroots organization and has since grown into the largest Gay and Lesbian supported organization working on policy and rights in the United States. Unfortunately, they do only focus on gay and lesbian rights, pushing many more marginal groups into nearly helpless situations.

I was happy that they invited President Obama to speak, but I also see it as one more big ticket buy that the HRC is pulling. It saddens me that something like human rights can become so politically driven that the less desirable and marginal groups within the movement are forgotten. To me this seems like a deconstruction of community and the larger queer movement. I hope that Obama can change the "don't ask don't tell" policy but I think it will do very little for the movement entirely. I also am very happy to see the president moving on this front so quickly seeing as it was the only "queer" promise in his entire campaign (which I still find disheartening). I hope that things continue to change and that human rights can be exhibited throughout ever aspect of life and politics. I understand the President's reasoning to speak for the HRC, but I can't support them because I can not support the HRC in any form. Also the fetishizing of Matthew Shepherd continues to upset me because so many more queer and even trans people have died since that time that no one ever cares to mention. I can not help but hate the way media is played and in turn used against us. Also Obama is focusing mostly on the gay and lesbian issue, including maybe some more queers because of new hate crime legislation. This legislation, though, still only focuses on sexual orientation. The whole gender and trans issue is left out of the game. I can not support change until it supports me.

10/10

Today I shall:

Drink beer
write fiction
make belated phone calls

Step on some toes

I have made the conscious decision to start using they and them as pronouns to describe individuals whos gender identity I have never been explained. This includes: all strangers, professors, and aquaintences who have never refered to themselves with a pronoun.

I have been doing a pretty good job so far, and I hope to continue. I don't want anyone to be offended that I am taking away their pronoun, so if you haven't explained your gender orientation maybe it's time to think about it and get to understanding why you choose your pronoun.

If we much have gendered pronouns at least we should have the choice to choose them and have the responsibility to question them before falling into our specific categories.

Theatre [comma] Sleep [comma] Cramps [comma] life

I've been missing lately
but the show goes up tomorrow

I should be back after a good sleep tonight
That's the goal anyway.


I will write you a nice whitty story about my life in the past month, maybe even give you some cute illustrations.

Later



Waiting for 1.5 banners to print (both are qued up)
and designing the last for this show

Then I should be ready to give it up
blah



Life

Planning

I realized that I often think about my futures with certain individuals, such as my best friends or lovers. I think about what will come in the next few months, or about planning visits. We, as humans, are often thinking about planning people into our lives, even about who we will plan into the next few hours.

Planning someone out of your life is a much harder endeavor. This is something that I fear and worry about. Especially when my life path may mean planning parts of my family out of my life. This is something I don't want to have to do.

Tranny poetry

I don't think I will ever sleep again. The ladies at the health center tell me that I will get better. That it will only take some time. I've started to get to a point though where it doesn't matter. I am awake all of the time, even when I am asleep my thoughts aren't. I think about pounding away at the computer, writing words into the screen. Poetry and rhythm.

Last night I slept 3 hours, but I was dreaming the entire time, meaning I couldn't sleep soundly. Nothing I do can change this. This is just who I am becoming.

I don't even believe the health center anymore, I don't think I will get better. And that scared me.


At least I am writing DAMN good poetry.

everything can go fuck itself but poetry

Fuck it








sitting in only white underwear with words in front of me
computer being turned off after this post.
door locked










Fuck it

My African Adventure?

David Campbell stoped me today as I was walking home, and he was also walking home. It was a cute little interaction and he informed me that I will be able to get funding if I want to work in Africa this summer. A huge part of me would love to fly away to Ghana right this second, but other parts of me have hesitations.

1. the failing health of my grandfather
2. My inability to eat most foods
3. My brothers enlistment in the army.


I've decided that I do want to try and go, but I do not want to spend my entire summer there. I think a month or a month and a half would be a good immersion for me, and would use fewer resources (such as money)

Step 2: find an internship

How's the Weather?

Every time I talk to my grandmother on the phone - or I post from her we never fail to talk about the weather. She often writes to me from different locations in the United States as she is almost always traveling - The letters will read along these lines.

Hi! - we are here in Oklahoma visiting some more Navy people. Bill and Julie have made a really nice home here. We're headed further south to Texas tomorrow and will be visiting old Navy men who use to work with your grandpa. It's been raining on and off but it isn't cold. How has it been in Iowa?


Then the letter would continue to ask about school and to talk about all the things they stopped to see and museums they visited. Sometimes the postcards come from specific museums but they are always themed to the travel. Mostly by state or closest major location.


I always wondered why my grandmother thought so much about the weather when she was in a new location. It always makes the opening lines of a correspondence.
Then I was in Water and Development and the professor asked about what farmers do all day. His funny response was - they sit around and worry about the weather all day. It may be funny, but the more that I think about it - the more I find this statement to be true. Rain fall, winds, amount of sun all effect the end product.

My grandmother comes from a farming community and a farming background. I even come from a farming community and semi-farming background. Weather is part of our culture. No matter how much I'd like to separate myself from asking about the weather I will always have this piece of my family and community culture to carry around.

How to come out?

I've been trying to come out to my mother
as trans
It's been super stressful because no matter how many ways I tell her she doesn't understand. It also doesn't matter what form I tell her in she doesn't get it.

It's times like these that I really just want to run away
I want to be normal
have normal relationships
work in a normal job

not want to cry
not be lost to my family
not be scared to walk at night
or alone at all

I pretend to be strong
but sometimes I just fall apart 100 different ways.



Let's top it off with my brother's 'broken' ankle
he has a severe fracture.
DAMN IT

stress be gone

Today I went for a swim. I am really out of shape and I was actually intimidated by the space. Since my heart wasn't 'strong' enough for physical activity since my second semester at Grinnell I've been missing the pool.

Today the first time in a year and a half that I got into the water and started swimming, I was scared. I was scared of the water and my body and of what to do.

I stayed in the water for 30 minutes and swam back and forth, and back and forth. Mostly doing butterfly and simple backstroking. I forgot the power that swiming has over my mental state. I hav been very calm today even when faces with situations that would normally bring me to tears, or make me very uncomfortable.

Maybe swimming is the key to my social anxiety and stress load.
Maybe I will get my body back into shape as well.

I love life

Last night Kate didn't bring her contact case to my room when she was going to sleep over. Below you will see our beautiful solution to the issue.

We are so cute!

Someone I love is transgender

I've been writing a peom the last few days that has really been bogging me down. I literally start crying at random intervals. Including this morning in my econ class. It's really an issue, but this poem is something I have to write. Its been in my head for far too long to not go anywhere.

I'll get there. I really will.

Today

I feel absolutely vulnerable right now
and for the first time in years it feels alright

Can I have a push on the swing

The man that I call my father did not actually meet me until I was 1 year old. He flew out to Washington (the state) for my first birthday party. It was his first and last time on a plane. He did this because he was head over heels in love with my mother and myself. That man will still do anything for me, and I love him from the bottom of my heart. Nothing ties me to him but the memories and emotions of growing up. Legally we do not belong to each other any more than I belong to my cat. Yet I call him my father, and he calls me his daughter and I call his children my siblings although only one of them is. To be perfectly honest I am one of two children. My lone brother is my half brother. The rest of my 4, almost 5 siblings are not traditionally my relatives. I wouldn't give any of them up for the whole of Europe though.

tonight as I walked home the four swings outside of the JRC were looming in the darkness. I could see them well in the light pollution of street lamps and the big blue "foryourpersonalysafty" tower. Also known as the Emergency light. I knew the seats of the swing were cold and wet. I was slightly chilly myself but I decided to put my bag down on the sidewalk and have a bit of a swing.

As I glidded through the cold air and the swing creeked under my weight and from the friction of each swing I though about my father. A brief run of warmth passed over me when I slipped into the memory of going to the park. My father didn't often take me to the park, because he has a fear of social interation and public places. To be honest I am not sure how he funtions in a work environment with his anxiety. On this particular day though I was 6 years old and I had asked to go to the park. My brother was sick and my other two sisters were with their mom. My mother looked at me as if she was going to fall over. Before she could turn me down though my dad said that he would take me, so we went. There are very few memorys of just my dad and I. I cherish each one that I have. I am happy to share this one with you though.

The Mountain Goats

I am not ready to be back at Grinnell. It's starting to sink in how I am feeling. I felt crappy all summer and now I am here and it's not helping. When I left this place in May I thought maybe I'd never come back again. Then I felt like I'd die in Colorado so nothing sounded better than Grinnell.

Now I am not so sure how I feel.
All I know is that I am sitting in my underwear in my room
maybe I will write some more poetry

I'm sociology at it's finest

I don't think many of you will ever understand how much I have gone through to get to where I am now. I am from an extremely humble and poor background and I've worked so hard to pull myself up by my own bootstraps.

Today I made a realization that might help you understand what I've gotten out of by leaving Kewanee, and why I don't see any of my friends when I am here. Because I did have plenty.


Of my core group of girl friends:
Ashleigh - has a baby
Jaquie - has a baby
Sara - just had a baby (is in the Navy)
Chelsea - currently pregnant
Lacey - only one who hasn't been or isn't currently pregnant (she's not gay either!)
Whitney - has a baby
Jaimie - had a baby after her Junior year
Heather - had a baby before even staring High School
Jessica - dropped out her last semester to have a baby

Friends added my senior year:
Lizee - married to a boy I was best friends with
Betty - next to married and living in Peoria

My guy friends:
Shawn - married to Lizee
Kenny - really smart college graduate who prefers to smoke weed and play guitar
Seth - Marines
Nic - who knows!?!?!?
Alex - nearly married to Betty
Alec - married


I still talk to some of these people, Seth and Alec on occasion. The rest are in completely different places than I am. How am I suppose to relate to all these married people and people with children.

Now do you understand why I have no friends when I come home from College?

Wish of dreams

Last night while I was sleeping I had a dream. It was a lovely dream where I had a life partner and a job I want to everyday. At that job I was some sort of artist and did Theatrical installations and workshops. I was really happy. Not only that but I could wake up in the morning and go one day as fully female and the next day fully male. No one in my work environment or home life thought anything of this. I was fully living my queer identity. Some days I remember I even went androgynous and didn't get questioned weather I was a boy or a girl.

I also think I was married to a trans man, FTM. Legally married that is, not commited to each other until death by a queer ceremony. We were by law seen in the states eyes as married and reciving full benifits of such.

I hope one day my dream becomes reality. First we need to move discrimination against gender out of the workforce because in 48 states there is no laws to prohibit this typs of discrimination. Also we need to work on gay marriage and other queer marriage. This one won't be as easy because we have to focus on the transgender right to marry as well. In only a few states are FTM and MTF individuals legally the sex they have transitioned to so we have to broaden that catogory nationally. Because in some states transfolk would be married into same-sex marriages while in other states they would have opposite-sex standing. This is all too much to handel and I wish equality would be here tomorrow. It would make me much happier.

No more airplanes for this Tranny

Begining on Wednesday airlines are adding more boxes for the American people to check. Including Birth date and Sex. This comes at a time where the Department of Homeland Security is taking over the responsibility of checking airline passengers names with those of watch list. I understand birthdays being a reasonable request, but asking someone to give up their sex is another question entirely.

I don't feel the federal government and the airlines have the right to ask for my sex when it's already posted all over my drivers license. Many transgender individuals already have enough trouble flying if their sex doesn't match up with their gender or if they haven't legaly gone through a name change or opperation. Even for those individuals who are postop and legally "registered" their sex still changes as they cross certian state lines as they are not legally recognized as MTF or FTM in all states.

How so are we going to check the M or F box. This is another gendered America and I will not be on an aircraft for some extended period of time. I don't check the M or F box even at the doctors office so why would I do it when getting on a plane.

Time to write more letters to my senetor!


Read more at:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/12/AR2009081203000.html?referrer=facebook

Person I Once Knew

I ran into PIOK today at the Library. It was nice to see him, he's doing well for himself. I hadn't talked to him since graduation. Although, I remember his first day at Kewanee High School two weeks into my Sophomore year I wanted to be his friend. He was a large black man with a heart of gold and a voice that killed me.

I am happy that I had PIOK as my friend through high school. He'd traveled the world coming from a Navy family and was the sweetest friend I could ask for.

These day's he goes to school for Psychology and Music. Wanting to get a Masters and a PhD. His goal is to work in correctional facilities with young men. I wanted to cry today when I saw him. I didn't. He's making something of his life, and I am happy.

I wish I still know PIOK.

You smell like my girlfriend

As usual it doesn't have a title -
but this is my most recent poem
I think it's something I can preform
because after 2 years, I think I can preform again

Listen to this poem @
http://www.zshare.net/audio/642352122427b2d8/



You smell like my girlfriend
the first words
Falling of a train with the corn fields and soy beans
city smells of hot pavement and diesel cars
33 tracks made of hard dark metal
a long embrace at the end of track 8
I smell the old men and stale air
thoughts surround me like a warm blanket
but it's a hot day I want to take it off
and put you back on
Illinois with the true black dirt
the earth that grew me and grew her
we smell like the soil kicked under our shoes
bubble gum being stepped on
hotdogs from the corner store
lollypops from the candy shop
you smell like my girlfriend
I still don't know what that means
the hog capital of the world
long haired cats and lost dogs
whicker baskets full of fresh laundry
green corn with it's tops still on
catching fireflies in the shabby grass
drinking our water from mason jars
as we run home underneath the stars
eating a picnic lunch with the cars racing by
and the neighborhood boys peaking over the fence
water guns sitting in reach and eyesight
to defend ourselves from their onslaught of laughter
and we laugh
to ourselves and to Illinois
to the black dirt and lost bubble gum
we laugh

Reason #46 Why Nikki isn't ready for the real world

My white clothing is now light purple:

Hey, PICNIC!

Today I met three men on the train to Chicago. This was at the prime hour of 8 am. They were the nice sort. I ended up in the empty inside seat, next to the oldest of the men while the two slightly younger were directly across the aisle. The first topic of conversations was questioning my large picnic basket. I got onto the train with only the basket and a backpack. I explained to them I was having a picnic with a friend, who I was meeting in Chicago and we were going to enjoy the weather and each other's company together. The questioned the contents as I took my breakfast cereal and soymilk out of the basket. And quickly decided I was a healthy eater, and would live a long and joyful life. We all got on very well. Talked a bit about school and my major. They told me what they did in life. Then we all fell into a train routine and I played my sudoku until we got to union station, with the occasional side conversation with the men.

On the train back from Chicago, I ran into the 3 old cubs fans again. I heard one of them say, Hey look it's picnic! look guys, it's picnic! I of course was responding to the NIK part of picnic when I turned and look at them. They had spent their day in the ball park and as I went to buy a clear carbonated beverage they were in the dining car drinking a beer, all save the older one. They asked me how my picnic went I ended up sitting down with the old men and exchanging some more words while I drank my beverage. Two of them were a bit drunk, and the older companion apologized for them, but I didn't mind. They asked me if I was a hiker, because I looked like one. And then gave me tips on great hiking places, and places to go before I die. We talked some more about my ducktape wallet. I'm a little embarassed because I've had it 5 years, and really think I should move up to a big person wallet, but it's just so damn useful and still in once piece. After I finished my drink I left the old men to their beers. When I left one of the men asked it he could call me, picnic. I said sure, having never told them my real name. I will forever be the girl with many dreams and the picnic basket to them.

I am okay with this.

Testing myself

I am allergic to Burger King French fries
Number eaten - 3
Time taken to react - 47 minutes (cramps after 21 minutes)

I am not allergic to eggs
Number eaten - 1
Time since ingestion - 19 hours
Reactions - no visible

child's fun

Why would we buy our children pink plastic vacuum toys for over $20, when we could buy a Eureka 431BXZ Optima Lightweight Upright Vacuum Cleaner, for $50 and our children can do the vacuming that they find so enjoyable.

They know the toys aren't real, and still want to play with a real vacuum, so why don't we just start letting them. All parent's houses would be so much cleaner. Don't you think.

last few hours

Today and Yesterday were really long. I'm not both mentally and emotionally and physically exhausted.

Left to do before leaving Colorado
1. Shower
2. Finish Smoggy's tattoo
3. Staff dinner
4. Staff campfire
5. Sleep
6. Drive to airport


I've gotten my evaluation, and We've finished cleaning the camp. Now I need to take a nap and do a few things. But mostly I have to chill the fuck out.

Photograph

I wish I was a photograph
tucked into the corners of your wallet
I wish I was a photograph
you carried like a future in your back pocket
I wish I was that face you show to strangers
when they ask you where you come from
I wish I was that someone that you come from
every time you get there
and when you get there
I wish I was that someone who got phone calls
and postcards saying
wish you were here
I wish you were here
autumn is the hardest season
the leaves are all falling
and they're falling like they're falling in love with the ground
and the trees are naked and lonely
I keep trying to tell them
new leaves will come around in the spring
but you can't tell trees those things
they're like me they just stand there
and don't listen
I wish you were here
I've been missing you like crazy
I've been hazy eyed
staring at the bottom of my glass again
thinking of that time when it was so full
it was like we were tapping the moon for moonshine
or sticking straws into the center of the sun
and sipping like icarus would forever kiss
the bullets from our guns
I never meant to fire you know
I know you never meant to fire lover
I know we never meant to hurt each other
now the sky clicks from black to blue
and dusk looks like a bruise
I've been wrapping one night stands
around my body like wedding bands
but none of them fit in the morning
they just slip off my fingers and slip out the door
and all that lingers is the scent of you
I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well
all the wishes in the world would come true
do you remember
do you remember the night I told you
I've never seen anything more perfect than
than snow falling in the glow of a street light
electricity bowing to nature
mind bowing to heartbeat
this is gonna hurt bowing to I love you
I still love you like moons love the planets they circle around
like children love recess bells
I still hear the sound of you
and think of playgrounds
where outcasts who stutter
beneath braces and bruises and acne
are finally learning that their rich handsome bullies
are never gonna grow up to be happy
I think of happy when I think of you
so wherever you are I hope you're happy
I really do
I hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking
I hope your lungs are open and breathing your life
I hope there's a kite in your hand
that's flying all the way up to orion
and you still got a thousand yards of string to let out
I hope you're smiling
like god is pulling at the corners of your mouth
cause I might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but I'm still time zones away
from who I was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat
and I wish you were here
I wish you'd never left
but mostly I wish you well
I wish you my very very best

Andrea Gibson

I practice my writing with my left hand

A Little Love Poem

Someone who hates scrabble.

Someone who sleeps on her back near an open window in winter, her breath rolling like a river into night.

Someone who wants me to wake her in the morning by reading ee cummings' love poems, giving a small candle-flicker of a smile just before opening her eyes.

Someone who appreciates the architecture of churches, but refuses to step inside.

Someone who has hands fit to hold hurt sparrows and robins.

Someone who threw out an her Alice Cooper records when she found out he loves to golf.

Someone who would swerve a new car into the ditch to avoid a frog crossing the road.

Someone who would tattoo my name on her arm in writing the same colour as her skin, so it would appear slowly from nowhere when she suntanned, people thinking her blood was telling secrets to the world of its own accord.

Someone who learned Spanish to read Marquez, or Lorca, or Neruda.

Someone whose hips whisper their own stories of the serpent and the garden of Eden.

Someone who bites the back of my neck like a leopardess carrying her kitten to safety.

Someone who'll make me wait for her to come out of the shower.

Someone whose smallest movements amaze me: her hair falling over her eyes, the soft swell of her hips when she ties down, a deep sigh when she sleeps.

Someone who maps every ticklish part of my body and then uses her knowledge strictly for evil.

Someone who paints our bodies black and makes love with me under the stars.

Someone who burns through my chest like that first shot of scotch.

Someone whose tongue, if we're kept apart too long, would nervously trace my face into the roof of her mouth.

Someone who practises her signature with her wrong hand, in case of accidents or a sudden arrest.

Someone whose fingrnails smell faintly of her hair.

Someone who reminds me of the soft tickle of fog.

Someone who would rush outside in the middle of the night, setting a spider onto the lawn, never admitting it's because she hates rain.

Someone who understands the unforgivable importance of ravens.

Someone wholl flicker into my lips with the ferocity of a dragonfly.

Someone who will open, thick, pungent and vital, like a Mapplethorpe flower.

Someone who has searched for me like a near-sighted woman groping for her glasses, stubbing her toes and swearing in Yiddish.

Someone who would understand why Steve and Dave and Paul and I sat in a bar staring at the mirror behind us for twenty minutes because somebody had asked what would happen if you looked at yourself in a mirror using a pair of binoculars unti1 we had to admit the question was too big for us, and we turned back to the safe optics of the beer bottle.

Someone who would just happen to cut my wrist shortly after reading Ondaatje's "The Time Around Scars. "

Someone who'll stare softly but straight at me, smiling reassuringly when I tell her how my 73 year old Medieval lit prof looked up from Chaucer, stared blankly over the class's heads and said that even the happiest marriage will end in death.

Someone who understands the efficiency inherent in suicide.

Someone who knows that love can be the thickest slice of hell we’ll ever taste.

Someone who would dance with me by the sides of highways.

2 years latter and you can still miss someone like it was yesterday

Two years ago a dear friend of mine took her own life because she thought it was too hard ro continue. I've been in that same position before but since then have vowed to never let the sadness overcome me and to never fall away from who I am. I miss her a lot and days like today, the anniversary don't help.She will forever live on near to me, in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind. That friend happened to be transgendered. I shut myself off from so many other sense then - but now I am open and ready to help as many through the struggle. I've decided to dedicate my life to helping transgender individuals in every way that I can. Especially medically.

Sammy - this is for you
It's always all for you.
She was my first love, and will always have that place in me.

Spill Canvas - Self Conclusion

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world

"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me"

She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands, and you must choose

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my atttempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was going to jump too"

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

When you are sick what more to do than relive the past

excerpts from the journal of Nik Jameson
This is the progression of my last 2 months in Grinnell and the stress and the work. It's not all here except the last two entries 5.10.09 and 5.16.09 are in full and in succession. Nothing was written in my book between those two dates in time. Although I fully remember the situations, the emotions, and the places.



4.13.09
Andrea Gibson stole my heart - broke it. Made me cry and made me want to be in love again.


4.14.09
Cacao beans are amazing. They are my new start to any day. Instant happiness. better than sex i might venture to say because they are a more lasting effect. Thought - mixing sex and the consumption of cacao beans.


4.16.09
The little elf ran away with it... an dI can't stop it.. an dI don't try. My poor body aches - my ovaries are pumping out what could have been a baby when my phone rings. On the other line it is my father. He stumbles out the words that still float through my mind. She's having a baby - that's lucky number three. He asks what I think and I pull out the best big sister phrase - really wanting to pull out my hair. Hay maybe I should eat some raisins. This little baby will join the world late in 2009.


4.16.09
Sometimes a little elf runs off with my heart - somethins I let him go and sometimes I don't. Today I let him go. Who knows where to or for how long.

I sometimes dream of him rocking it back and forth under the stars singing softly,
"hush little baby don't say a word"

And of course it doesn't say a word, because it's a heart. He can only hear it go, "boom da boom boom do boom." You know the way hearts go.



4.19.09
Last night was a very strange night. We won the flip cup tourney - somehow.
I drank a lot of beer.


4.22.09
Favorite D. campbell phrase - "I just got it ass backwards"

In 20 years I will be 40 - how will I look
maybe - very different
maybe - very much the same


4.26.09
I am going to write and preform like Andrea Gibson someday


4.27.09
I sit in the library - 3 people walk by outside that I would have enjoyed talking to
oh...life

3.06 pm - I can see MJB and he's on a campus bike. It made me smile

I am 5 slides in
I am 2 pages in
I am freaking the fuck out!



4.28.09
D. Campbell tells me today that migraines are closely linked to higher intelligence. Does he only say this because he also suffers from them?


4.30.09
I have a major boner for Sorghum and it shows - a lot.


5.3.09
Not too sure when it became May 3rd. but it did. Here I am sitting at my dest thinking damn what a weekend and.... time to get down to business. The show ends today. Everything went well.

Todays emotions:
include an overwhelming need to be outside eating tomatoes. And the want to hold something small and warm close to me.


5.4.09
Word on my mac is dead - more dead that I expected
My grandmother is cute she sent me something in the mail today and my afghan is done.



5.5.09
I don't care to see or deal with anyone. I sort of want to keep away in my own world of thoughts. Staying alone as Nik is a form of insanity I can deal with right now. Dealing with other peoples stress is something I can not handle within my own insanity just now.

Time to do those last 30 pages and my design. I'll make it until the end.
1 more weekend
1 more week full of days
1 more Africa class
1 more of everything else

die Ende is Nahe...


5.6.09
3 am the hostile hour
a world around me
not waking, but not asleep
silent minutes pass by
writers and artist spill ink
3 am inspirations are lost
to the sheets of black

we are rather alone


5.10.09
A little drunk I played Kings Cup because Andrew Otto came back today. 3 beers later I am thinking about my life choices. Bak on Noyce 3 - writting - the boys are in bed - nap due in about 2 hours - Good life choices


5.16.09
I have lived the past 3 days in a state of intoxicants. It has been glorious and relaxing. Wednesday at 5pm I turned in my paper mostly finished and took a beer shower. Life has only gotten better from there.

Today's problem:
I own enough supplies to stock a kitchen - but I don't own a kitchen! Makes for some interesting packing and uses.

Today's goals
1. Piercings
2. Packing
2. See friends


Thoughts on leaving Grinnell
It is the end of my second year. For the past week or two I have been living off of sprouts, oatmeal, and coffee. Not a glamorous existence but a functional one.

I have never been more ready to leave this place. I always liked coming back here - but right now I am having very few thoughts of coming back. There are things that I will miss like the rain on my loggia - or cold beer on South beach. or working in the community garden.

This afternoon I will seal the deal on the semester and I will be getting two microdermals. My gift for having lived through all of this shit. Then I will comence my packing. To make sure I really know that it is over.

I don't know yet which friends I am going to miss. How can I even say which friends are going to miss me. I've made myself so nonexistent and so emotionless these last few days and weeks that it's going to be a rough and interesting shift no matter what happens.

I will be spending a week here - mostly with myself and kate. I leave this place broken hearted and empty not being in love or like with anyone making it simpler than all semesters before. I will miss Kate, and Evan, and Grant, and Adam but in 3 months we will all be in this place again. Save Adam who will be half way across the country for a semester. In time though he too will come back.

My brain can no longer make thoughts worth writing down. Just the thoughts of packing and moving on.


5.22.09
I am intrigued by motion. Bodies. water. ice cream. tissues.

Shel Siverstine

I wish that I could remember what i am so inspired to write at 3 am. I am even still an insomniac at camp but the problem is I have no place to write when I am up here. So instead of writing I read, which isn't bad but it is still killing me.

I've had an extremely emotional week and now I just want to write my life away but instead I have 15 girls to deal with on minimal energy. I'm emotionally weak and in need of human contact that doesn't come from strange girls or from a staff of 18-20 year olds who I've lived with for the past 7 weeks.

I am ready to get my introvert time back and my scheduled tea time and my naps. Do any of you know how important naps are to an insomniac!

Generally I am not too unhappy at camp - such as tonight I was able to read from Shel Silverstein around the campfire and be really happy. I was content with my unit and the way things were going.

humm I want to read aloud to children more often I feel

Spoon Thief

(blog worthy camp stuff)

At camp we have something called 'The Gossip" and we all bang on the tables and say, "we want the gossip, we want the gossip!" The girls absolutly love it because we talk about 'boy friend joey' and 'boyfriend greg' and the donky floating away if it had rained, and loads of other funny things. This week though I've made the gossip for the first time all summer. It's been said that I've been stealing spoons around the dining hall so everyone should watch out for me. Of course I couldn't let the gossip down so I did start stealing spoons. I was very sneaky about it. Quickly things progressed though and a spoon protection program was made, they have a song and everything. Also I decided at the end of the meal to steal the spoon bucket - with all the dirty spoons in it. So they finally arrested me and put me into jail. I made bail of 3 spoons and a fork and am waiting my Wednesday trail where Judge Gerorgia will rule.

Switch has been made my authorny, and she is working with Elizabeth who is now know as bob on my case. I've taken the identity of Elizabeth Marie who is going into the fifth grade and loves math as to avoid any more questions and battery from the people. The girls have been eating it up - they really love it. There is a distinct, spoons innocent group and spoon's guilty group. We do have so fence post sitters, but not many. All the girls every want to talk about is if I really stole the spoons or not. I simply say no comment. They then say we saw you steal the spoon bucket and my response is that once you discard an object it becomes public interest. Just like trash, the spoons in the spoon bucket were public property therefore I was allowed to take them at any time.

Some people think that I have motives to my spoon theft, such as building an evil robot. But this isn't true, I simply feel that I have the right and duty to accumulate spoons that have been discarded and abandoned. I've worked really hard on my case, but there are eye witnessed who have seen me stealing spoons so that may be hard to swing. Teehe - it's a lot of fun

We have a wild west unit this week as one of the specialties, so they have built a jail and they have handcuffs for me and they made wanted signs. It's all a huge deal and it's only Tuesday. But it is also really funny.

I will let you know how the trial goes on Wednesday.

untitiled

I am beautiful

Auto Pilot

I'm an auto pilot counselor. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I can sing and think about what a girls is doing and talk to my supervisor all at the same time. I can also lead songs and not be thinking at all about the song, yet it still comes out of my mouth.

Just like that - I am on auto pilot singing and thinking


p.s. I forgot how much I liked Heros. I'm nearlt through season 1 so soon I will want to start season 2. whoa!!!!!

Beets and such

I'd missed cooking for myself. Friday night and Saturday morning I found myself in Boulder with a few Grinnellians and no place to sleep. We figured things out and ended up in a spare room of a big empty house. On Saturday morning we went to the Boulder farmer's market. As if I hadn't already fallen in love with the culture of the city I meet a million cute farmers who I wanted to buy goods from. I ended up buying beets and carrots from a couple who had dreadlocks, a baby, and an amazing painted sign.

the day also contained a trip to the contemporary art museum which was conveniently in the middle of the farmers market. I was even more inspired to do art after going into the building. The support a lot of local artist, as well as brining in artist from outside of the city and state. It was incredible.

To continue my story though, Saturday evening I was cooking for myself. I make beet greens, roasted beets, roasted garlic, sautéed tomatoes, and eggs over-easy. I ate all of this on chunks of bread also bought at the farmers market. It all tasted so good, fresh, and healthy. Unlike the camp food that sits in my stomach, and makes me feel less than great about myself.

I've re-decided to work on veganism again. It's important to me and makes me feel better. I want only to be healthy and I think I am going to be able to keep myself healthy with a vegan diet. Of course I can't do this while still at camp.

I will add that I've given up caffeine, and even in a coffee shop today I was able to stick to my soy coca. I also haven't smoked a cigarette in over a month and a half. Which I will gladly say, means I am done with them. I am now working on fried foods. I don't think I can give up pan fried things, like my eggs. But deep fat fried things haven't entered my body in a long time. I can't tell you how long because I haven't been keeping track but I can almost say it's probably been over a month. Although I'm not sure when my last order of french fries was. I know it's been since I came to camp. I really am working on a balanced and healthy diet. I think it is showing too.