I will be a real boi

I've spent this weekend coming to terms with my tranny self. I am only 3 weeks away from coming out to my father and step-mother. In order to do this efficiently and informatively I've decided to create a time line for them, to explain to them what the steps mean to me and to them. I also want to print off some terminology, and stories of other transmen and bois who have been successful and happy.
Preparing myself for this conversation has made me ready to face my own life a head of me. I am not naive, I understand that it will be hard and complicated but I think that I am finally prepared to grow up an into who I really want to be.

Mostly it started because someone used male pronouns to explain me, and it didn't feel wrong or bad. Then I stumbled upon this which made me realize that I want to grow up and be a father. Often when talking about theoretical children, I get a little excited or I think maybe I could have children. I never thought of it from a father perspective before, but this is actually the most comfortable place for me to think of it from. I don't want to come at parenting as a mother, or an androgynous non-gender binary parent. I want to be a father, almost as much as I want to be a lawyer. This surprised me, but also excited me.

So, my timeline includes hormones, top surgery, and maybe a name change/document changes, and possible another pronoun change later on. I am ready for what life will bring me in the next 5-7 years.

p.s. I finaly bought a binder small enough for my frame. It will be her in 5-7 days. I was very happy that they were back in stock.

p.p.s. I love Ryan

Beating the post Thanksgiving blues

In order to beat away the blues associated with post Thanksgiving I got up this morning and worked out (only a little bit) and cuddled with 3 separate cats, only one of which was my own.

Now I am working on my resume/cover letter. Then i plan on taking a trip to buy a massive amount of candles and 2 pairs of knitting needles (for making socks and gloves).

Then I will spend my afternoon knitting and baking and washing my sheets.



This is what I am baking today

Peanut Butter Chocolate Pillows
makes 2 dozen cookies

Chocolate dough:
1/2 cup canola oil
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup pure maple syrup
3 tablespoons non-dairy milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup unsweetened dutch processed cocoa powder
2 tablespoons black unsweetened cocoa or more dutch processed unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

Filling:
3/4 cup natural salted peanut butter, crunchy or creamy style
2/3 cup confectioner’s sugar
2 to 3 tablespoons soy creamer or non-dairy milk
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a large mixing bowl combine oil, sugar, maple syrup, non-dairy milk and vanilla extract and mix until smooth. Sift in flour, cocoa powder, black cocoa if using, baking soda and salt. Mix to form a moist dough.

Make the filling. In another mixing bowl beat together peanut butter, confectioner’s sugar, 2 tablespoons of soy creamer and vanilla extract to form a moist but firm dough. If peanut butter dough is too dry (as different natural peanut butters have different moisture content), stir in remaining tablespoon of non-dairy milk. If dough is too wet knead in a little extra powdered sugar.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line bakings sheet with parchment paper.

Shape the cookies. Create the centers of the cookies by rolling the peanut butter dough into 24 balls. Scoop a generous tablespoon of chocolate dough, flatten into a disc and place a peanut butter ball in the center. Fold the sides of the chocolate dough up and around the peanut butter center and roll the chocolate ball into an smooth ball between your palms. Place on a sheet of waxed paper and repeat with remaining doughs. If desired gently flatten cookies a little, but this is not necessary.

Place dough balls on lined baking sheets about 2 inches apart and bake for 10 minutes. Remove sheet from oven and let cookies for 5 minutes before moving to a wire rack to complete cooling. Store cookies in tightly covered container. If desired warm cookies in a microwave for 10 to 12 seconds before serving.

Things I am pining after

The first thing on the list of pined after objects is a book called gay haiku this is a funny year real look at a gay man's life through haiku form, it's a book I've been looking at on Amazon for months now and haven't gotten around to buying.

Next on my list is a funny and thought provoking Bu-Jew book. This is a book that adds light to enlightenment for thought Jewish Buddhist who are looking for a way. I've also been reading previews and reviews on this book for a while and haven't obtained my own copy.

Thirdly I've been pining after my law degree. Later this evening I will be taking a LSAT practice exam dry to see where I need to study and work hardest. My actual LSAT date won't be until October of 2010, but with the dyslexia I can't go wrong with starting early. I've also been pining after an adult life. I've been reading about this amazing queer, who's partner is currently pregnant. She had their first child, and now the partner is having the second one. She is also currently in law school, which makes me like her even more. Blog surfing has become my new favorite thing. I meet so many interesting people, most of whom never actually meet me. That's the price I pay in the internet relationship I have formed with blogs though.

I said that I would never pine after the i-phone, but after having my i-touch and wanting to use Google voice I've learned that an I-phone is really up my ally. I can do so many things with it, including board a plane without a paper boarding pass. SO COOL! So I find myself pinning after the Apple/AT&T exclusivity contract to end. Because, no matter how much I want an I-phone, I do not want AT&T to be my service provider.

My daily vitamins

I have had some serious health concerns in my life, and in the past few years. Each time I go to the doctor for something I think is mild he wants to medicate me. I have learned to say 'no' to the over medicated passes of pills from my doctor, but I can not hid the fact that I am sick.

My skin has been showing it the most in the last few weeks, and I have been bruising a lot more than normal. I am going to the doctor on Tuesday to have my stiff and bruising joints checked out. I fear that I have artrites, and I hope that my joint inflammation is just a result of anxiety.

Non the less I take 11 pills daily to keep myself going.
Morning: 1 Flaxseed oil, 1 Calcium, 1 Saint John's Wort
Noon: 1 Mulit-V, 1 B-complex
3pm: 1 flaxseed oil, 1 Saint John's Wort
Evening: 1 Calcium, 1 magnesium
Bed time: 1flaseed oil, 1 Saint John's Wort

They all do different things for me, and help because I can't get everything I need out of my ever worsening diet. The Flaxseed is for heart health and is a substitute for Omega-3 and Fish oil, which I very clearly can not have. The Saint John's Wort is an anxiety helper, and mood regulator. It is suppose to help my highs and lows dealing with anxiety that I face throughout the day. The Calcium is pretty clear. The magnesium is my soul because is needed for more than 300 biochemical reactions in the body. It helps maintain normal muscle and nerve function, keeps heart rhythm steady, supports a healthy immune system, and keeps bones strong. The Multi-V is my second soul because without it I would surely be sick and undernourished all of the time instead of just some of the time. And the b-vitamines are to help with all the other normal body fuctions and hair growth and chemical management.


I am really learning how to take care of myself, I now just need to find out if my online vitamin store will ship to Turkey.

Theatre and my mesmerization

The first time I saw a Theatre piece preformed I was mesmerized. The actors left the space that I could see, and I was sure that they went through doors that lead to fields and more rooms. Of course this way my feeble child mind with an overactive imagination. Backstage spaces were completely foreign and abstract for me.

Now I live for the dark corners, blue run lights, and precariously placed tables filled with props and bread and other things to make a living on the black stage.

I am not sure that I can live without Theatre, even though it also kills me. I've spent 52 hours in the department this week alone, and I have a show and strike tomorrow. This will add another 7 hours to my count. I think though, that this will be the last time that I work for the department this way. I can't handle the stress and laundry and lack of departmental support. I understand that it's a paid position and I decided I wanted to be there, but this doesn't take away from how hard it is. I don't even think the actors, other technicians, and stage management, let alone the director pay any attention to the level of dedication and time spent of costumes.

I awe at costume changes, and thought out pieces when I am watching a show. I know that when something breaks someone spends time to fix it. I wish that everyone knew that, and respected that.

Main Stage theatre is not my thing anymore. Professional Theatre never will be. I am actually not sure after Grinnell if Theatre will continue to be in my life. Maybe it is just a hobby for me, and not my passion or my life.

-untitled-

give up
sometimes you have to

No-nonsense

I am in a no-nonsense situation
I can't fuck around.

I literally fall into bed at night after having not stopped moving practically all day.
I am exhausted.
I wake up and wonder if the circles under my eyes will ever go away.

Once I make it through this week I am golden.

I think that I have given up on NaNoWriMo
Theatre and Academia is more important.

My responces to Maine

I would like to say, that I didn't see it coming. Although, each time someone asked me how I thought the legislation would turn out, my response was less than optimistic. As we can now see, opression, homophobia, and hate has taken ground in Maine. It will be a long process of reversal, and correction.

I am still in the mindset that nothing will happen until this goes federal. Perhaps in it's own way, Maine will piss enough people off that more will become involved. If things keep going our way, then we don't have motivation to change them on a larger scale.

I'm pissed off. I'm not going to be quite about it for long.

p.s. Illinois, why do you remain so silent?

Day 2 - Novel writting in 30 days

I am taking part in the National Novel Writing Month. Lovely called NaNoWriMo. This means I will be writing a 50,000 word novel in the 30 days of November. I am currently over 2,000 words in and it's my second day. I haven't lost my desire or orignial motivation yet either.

In fact I am doing things that will make the Novel better. Such as going to more of the 4.15 talks to educate myself and learn outside of my 4 classes. I'm concurrently reading a trans novel, because I am writing queer fiction. I am also rereading part of my favorite books to use as inspiration and to encourage my writters block.

All the while I am also keeping up in my four classes, eating at least 2 times a day, working 6 hours a week, being a friend, maintaining my romantic relationship, writing a Grinnell Monologue, preparing for Trans Awareness Week, sleeping some, and showering.

I am not going to say this month will be easy, but this novel is something I want to write and to put out there. I also want the satisfaction of knowing I did it while thousands of other people pounded out their souls in fiction.

I will admit to you though that all the creative writing does spark a strong desire to pick up a cigarettes and drink loads of coffee all through the night. But I promised myself if I was going to do this, then I was going to be healthy about it.

Their is no net gain if I kill myself physically or emotionall, fail out of school, or miss out on the life happening around me.

Wish me luck!