JUMP

Kate and I really need to learn how to take our own advice.
This is a poem I wrote off of something she said once while cooking. Although, it was initially for her, now that it is finished it is really for me.

It's time that we all, jump.



Windblown (Jump)
N. Jameson

I sent you a letter in the wind today
I expect it to arrive the day after tomorrow
perhaps a little disheveled with water spots and runny ink
The wind may have torn it some so I hope that you can still read it.
with any luck you will understand my meaning
knowing that the story I wrote upon the paper
was the story of how we met
I was up the same tree with my shoes untied
when I wrote it
the clouds were floating by and my hair got sticky with sap.
I didn't throw my pencil though, not this time
Love, you should know that I am not so young anymore
many things have happened in the space and the time
I have held my head high and changed the colour of my hair
I have made many phone calls and even changed my job
I have a cat now, would you have ever guessed
and we live in a place with a yard where I grow tomatoes
yes, I've lived there long enough to have tomatoes more than once.
I don't expect you to respond.
the wind only carries things one way after all.
but I love you, even through the wind, the rain, the time
I've needed you often, but made it through on my own
I have learned who I am
slowly, like the letter I am
I will be floating away, wind torn and tattered
I need to sign off
because I will be taking to the seas on an unsteady ship
to get where I am going next

Weddings

My mother has set an October wedding date.
Along with that she has began to think about the dress and the people going to be involved.
I have began to think about how unbelievably gender weddings are. If all goes according to planed I will have already started hormone treatment by the day of her wedding, meaning I will be on my way to becoming the transman I want to become. My mother wants me to be her maid of honor, and what well respected gay man would turn her down. The only problem I know face is the fact that she keeps asking me to wear a dress. I keep saying that I won't. Last night I said that she couldn't expect me to be in a dress. She asked me why and I finally pulled the card. I compared myself to my brother, and said she would never ask him to be in a dress. And I am offended that she's asking me to be when she knows the extent of my gender.

This morning she apologized, but it just keep reminding me how much further we have to go.
He assumptions about me are all still very gendered, and I may not ever be able to change them. It hurts a little to think that, but I am sure of it's truth.

Weddings are a gender thing, especially in small town America. Men walk women down the aisle. Women wear dresses and men tuxedos. There are a few weddings that stray from this form, but for the most part we remain traditional. It's only too bad that I don't fit into my mother's traditional life that way anymore.

Coming out Again

I am actually trucking right along as far as coming out as trans to my folks goes. All of the parents in my life know know and we are working on solutions of how to break the news to 7 year old. My father said straight up that he didn't understand, but loves me and supports me. (he also admitted to not having understood my sexuality as a lesbian but came to accept it and 'roll with it') I think it is in fact a lot of information to process and handle at one time. Especially since my father is older, and from a small midwestern town. He actually does not have much experience with folk who do things a bit different. Looking on the bright-side my dad and stepmum has a lot of questions, and wanted to make sure I was emotionally stable and conscious of the impacts of my choices It was really nice to have their support though, and no tears were spread over the ordeal.

So now I need everyone's feedback. I have a 7 year old sister who absolutly adores her big sister (that's me) and only sees me 4-6 times a year. Meaning the process of my transition will not be a gradual one that she sees and comes to understand. How do we explain to her what is going on. We won't start to process for another 4 months or so, but it would be good to have all the information and coping strategies together from the start. I still want to be the big sister she looks up to, because I love being that role model for her but I also need her to understand the terms of my transition and the fact that I will be a man and not a lady anymore. It a tough question, and I am sure there are many answers it's just a matter of picking the rightest one.

Also my mother is attempting to join sometime of online community for the mothers of transmen. I think it will be really good for her and she will learn from and be able to help more mothers. She's very concerned about the whole doctor switching business, but she understands why I must. We've been going to the same family doctor since moving to Kewanee, 17 years ago. She's in fact the woman who birthed my brother. My mother was taken back when I wanted to start seeing another doctor within the firm of family doctors because the women everyone else sees didn't understand my sexuality.

Yet, my dad and step-mum did ask a lot of questions about what this would do to my sexuality. Including, if I fell in love with a feminine gay man, would I then identify as a gay man. Or would I start to identify as straight after the transition. I didn't explain to them the complexity of my current identity and instead explained the term queer to them. The also had a lot of questions about identifications and marriage. I gave the the correct answers but said I didn't want to make any of these decisions in my life until I have to cross that bridge.

All in all, it was a good day even though I woke up with a fever. I think I stressed myself out too much about the coming out thing and made myself sick. I woke from bad dreams at 6 am and didn't feel right until late into the afternoon. I did make it to the health food store today though and got hummus and soy cheese and soy sour cream! I wanted cream cheese too, but all they had was flavored ones that I don't like.

now, back to my romantic comedies! I am going to watch Bridget Jones's Diary tonight. teehe, I am rather hopeless aren't I!

Family Matters

Last night we had a little break in the family dynamics which sent me and my broken little heart into a massive amount of tears. I've started to huge task of coming out to my family, instead of just being out to my mum. It has been a lot harder than you might think at first glance. My brother for example decided to make some strange comments that read transphobic and sexist. It was really hard for me to bear, because he's just a teenager who's grumpy already. I think they all just need some adjustment time. My grandfather was probably the worst though. He's a gay man, so I thought he would be the most supportive and helpful. Instead he told me that asking for the family to try and use gender neutral pronouns was me asking too much. He told me that! I tried to explain to him that gender neutral pronouns are the only thing I have. The only thing that allows me to express myself and the only thing that makes me feel comfortable. He still thought I was asking too much. I still cringe on the inside when I hear the she and her roll of of his tongue now.

It's been hard, and it's not about to get any easier. I have to sit down with my father and step mother. I have many younger siblings, and this is going to effect them sooner or later. I can't just come home fully passing as a boy and expect nothing to be different. It's hard for me, because there are so many people involved. Family is really important on both sides, my father's side for example can't believe I was home for over 24 hours before seeing my grandparents. I should have gone and seen them first thing out of bed on Saturday morning. No questions asked. How are things going to change when I come home as a boy. I think facial hair will be too much for many of them t handle, but will I shape myself for their comfort. I don't want to lose my family, I love hearing their stories and eating food and just being around all the general merriment. It is something I have had my entire life, and I know that it matters a lot.

I've decided that at least my future partner will not have to explain too much about me. I want to pass as a male, because being a genderqueer lawyer may not go over too well. I also love the idea of being a father someday. It makes that little pit in my stomach happy, and excited to grow up.

I am doing okay, and I didn't even have to cry today to get there!

College

College
By N. Jameson

Hold on you're half where there
I've been living on this prayer
and stale bites of bagel

too many packets of tea
floating by like leafs
we don't want to consume
but we are required
by the rules of college life
we are governed through the academics
pessimistically writing and revising
sometimes we can't even edit ourselves
casual conversations become political,
correctness is lost to the spurs
and slurs of the drunken masses

using coffee cups as cameras
cleaning our glasses on tissues
we are poor and making it
working from the bottom
and making it
they didn't believe in the riot
but we brought it to them
over caffeinated yet apathetic
what are my fingers being used for
not sliding but gliding
over soft computer buttons
lost the taste of human skin

my apples are bruised
and so is my ego
tomorrow I will wake up
and fight another theoretical war

My thoughts on tears

Sometimes the only thing you can do is cry, and know everything will eventually be okay again. Pain is something that everyone feels and we all have to work it out.
I use tears to deal with a lot of situations. Stress and fear and sadness are the prime examples in my own life. I wish it were more acceptable to let tears flow, because for me they are very comforting. I like to feel my emotions, instead of pretending they are not there.


I will be okay, I just might cry a little before I am.

Qg Mandino

Today I am a fish out of water, but these lines by Qg Mandino
have stuck to my surface and have helped in their own way.
I am not yet capsized, even with a gash in my hull
my sails are catching every bit of wind.

All is not lost


If you feel depressed - sing!
If you feel fear, plunge ahead.
If you feel incompetent, remember past successes.
If you feel insignificant, remember your goals.
If you feel poverty, think of wealth to come.
If you feel sad - laugh.
If you must be a slave to habit, then be a slave to good habits.
If you persist long enough, you will win.
If you waste today, you destroy the last page of your life.

find me

I want to write poems like Ani writes lyrics.
This song has always spoken to me in a way that makes me want to be found again.
each time, we still have a long way to go.

"Hypnotized"
Ani DiFranko

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go
And the traffic was hissing by
And i was homesick
And i was high

I was surrounded by a language
In which i could say only hello
And thank you very much
But you spoke so i could understand
And i drew a treasure map on your hand

And you were no picnic
You were no prize
But you had just enough pathos
To keep me hypnotized
Hypnotized

The map led to an island
In a sea of store-bought dreams
Where soulless singers sang
Over beats built by machines

And lovely girls were hovering
Above my head like gulls
With their long slender necks
And their delicate skulls

And i was no picnic
I was no prize
But i had just enough sweetness
To keep you hypnotized
Hypnotized

So that's how you found me
Rain falling around me
Lookin down at a worm
With a long way to go

My cat > most people

As most of you know, I love my cat. I recently decide that I love my cat more than I like most people. Even some of my own family members. (remember Haylie will always fall at the top of the list of people whom I love).

Midnight though has a very special place in my heart and my life. Most of you will never experience the interactions that she and I share.

I was there when Midnight was born, she was the third born in a litter of 5 kittens on my bestfriend's farm. I didn't actually watch her birth, but the father documented the experience well. She was born on the 12th of June, we celebrate this day each year.

I don't remember much from Midnights kitten days, but I ran a paper route to pay for the vet and cat food, though looking back I couldn't have made enough money to have paid for everything considering I managed to keep some of the money from the route. I think my parents just wanted to give me the responsibility, and the thought of a liability without actually putting the burden on a 5th grader. I thought I was keeping her completely on my own though, and was extremely proud of this.

Midnight grew up with me, I told her everything when she was a kitten we would go on adventures in the basement. I would carry her in my backpack with the top open. I was extremely scared of losing her in a fire or tornado, so I made a midnight bag filled with a baby blanket, and dry cat food, and other things I though she would need if we had to leave in a hurry. She's was and still is my baby, that I cared for with all of my heart. Luckily we never had a fire, but I did use the bag when we sat in our basement during a tornado warning. I remember being wrapped up in my blankets sitting on a pillow with midnight in my lap reading a book with a flashlight. I wouldn't let her go, I was so scared of losing her. She hadn't made it to the basement initially and I made my father go up stairs and find her. He wasn't going to, but I started to cry really really hard and I guess he decided his life wasn't at risk but my mental health was.

Midnight was my confidant, she was the first one I told that I was gay. She heard all about my crushes and the happenings at cheer practice. She was and still is the screener of all my poems, helping me word them just right. When I learned German, she learned German. Sitting on my bed looking at my lazily as I recited the words back and forth between English and German.

I've watched midnight grow up, and one day I realized that she was old. This was after my first year of college. I went home after being gone only for a few months and she just seemed slower and less social. She learned to adapt and over come the depression of me being gone, and by the Summer after my first year at college she was far must adjusted.

My second year killed me, because I had planned to bring her back to school to live in my two bedroom situation. Unfortunately the room changed and I was unable to bring her back to school with me. I was crushed but somehow made it though.

I am happy to say that Midnight lives with me full time again. I come home and take time to cuddle with her. I still tell her all about my day. When I wake up in the morning she's in her usual spot at my feet. She's the love of my life. Not phased by any of the crazy things I wear or do or say. She loves Zoe, and Kate and Evan the most important people in my Grinnell life. She's really one of the only reasons I can keep going.

I love my cat.
More that you will ever be able to understand.

My shell

There is something very rewarding about coming home to my room and seeing my slept in bed and feeling the warmth of colours in my room. I am in a good mood, although a little tired I am ready for what this week continues to bring.

I had a slight allergic reaction which left black circles under my eyes from the inflation in my face, but it is the only noticeable mark.

I will live to see another day.
this body is my shell, my home, my everything.