Queer as Fuck

I am sitting in my room with an open package of Hostess chocolate covered doughnuts(not vegan but I don't care right now!) to my left, and a jar of water to my right. The topic in my mind today, and everyday really is gender and my gendered self. With two looming conversations with my mother behind me (and an awkward conversation with my father), I think we have began to make some progress in understanding each other. I haven't mentioned things like pronouns or hormones with her because I know these things will only upset her, and I haven't made any decisions on this front yet.

At any rate, with so many more people questioning gender and identifying as queer I find myself back where I started years ago in my gender identity. Hell, not only are my gay and lesbian friends identifying as queers but I know straight girls and guys who take on this identity. It is not because they want to step down from their privileged seats in the straight world, but they fully believe they do not embody the identity they have had from childhood and have learned that even straight people can be queer. I fully agree with them and I honor there choice of identification, it just makes my own thoughts more complicated.

So, who am I!? I am someone who identifies as a genderqueer, or more frequently these days ambiguous. I find that if only for my own sake and for the further breaking down of gender I am in a position where some sort of identity clarification is necessary.

So what does ambiguous gender mean to me. Being ambiguous means 1) making a conscious decision on my presentation when in public and private, and making decisions on how to hold conversation, how to walk, what gaze I hold other individuals in, and so forth. 2) publicly announcing (not necessarily verbal) and being active in my gender expression. 3) understanding my gender expression is determined through traditional gender stereotypes such as skirts, or suspenders that I rarely merge or delude.

you can see that I almost always have gender in mind, even when I am not presenting myself to others. I constantly find myself studying individuals who fall more dominantly into the male or female sides of gender to learn cues and styles that are common or less common for each subtype. Although I am between genders, it is hard to live that in an overly gendered society therefore it is much easier to embody the stereotypical roles, sometimes even taking those roles to extremes in identities such as kings/queens.

You would think that will all of my thoughts on gender and with my identifying as an ambiguous person I would enter the movement with open arms. The truth of it is because I am rather femme I am not often take as an individual who completely has issues when it comes to public bathrooms, and who sometimes cringes at the pronouns people use when referring to [her]. My perceived gender is always female, and there is little I can do about that. It also doesn't help that I know I am not moving further into the tranny process because I am not looking to have a sex change. Although I am contemplating hormone usage I am staling that process because I don't want to include my mother and I still have small dreams of become a natural mother someday.

Also I am not 100% comfortable in my gender. Walking a mile in my own shoes is sometimes hard and I fall back into the femme lesbian identity more than I would like. Although I do not identify as a lesbian to anyone, I am perceived as one because I do partner exclusively with women. I understand that I am sending the world mixed messaged, but the world started it first! If you are as confused about genderqueer and gender ambiguity as you were when you first began reading, don't worry. You and I are not the only one's confused.