When you are sick what more to do than relive the past

excerpts from the journal of Nik Jameson
This is the progression of my last 2 months in Grinnell and the stress and the work. It's not all here except the last two entries 5.10.09 and 5.16.09 are in full and in succession. Nothing was written in my book between those two dates in time. Although I fully remember the situations, the emotions, and the places.



4.13.09
Andrea Gibson stole my heart - broke it. Made me cry and made me want to be in love again.


4.14.09
Cacao beans are amazing. They are my new start to any day. Instant happiness. better than sex i might venture to say because they are a more lasting effect. Thought - mixing sex and the consumption of cacao beans.


4.16.09
The little elf ran away with it... an dI can't stop it.. an dI don't try. My poor body aches - my ovaries are pumping out what could have been a baby when my phone rings. On the other line it is my father. He stumbles out the words that still float through my mind. She's having a baby - that's lucky number three. He asks what I think and I pull out the best big sister phrase - really wanting to pull out my hair. Hay maybe I should eat some raisins. This little baby will join the world late in 2009.


4.16.09
Sometimes a little elf runs off with my heart - somethins I let him go and sometimes I don't. Today I let him go. Who knows where to or for how long.

I sometimes dream of him rocking it back and forth under the stars singing softly,
"hush little baby don't say a word"

And of course it doesn't say a word, because it's a heart. He can only hear it go, "boom da boom boom do boom." You know the way hearts go.



4.19.09
Last night was a very strange night. We won the flip cup tourney - somehow.
I drank a lot of beer.


4.22.09
Favorite D. campbell phrase - "I just got it ass backwards"

In 20 years I will be 40 - how will I look
maybe - very different
maybe - very much the same


4.26.09
I am going to write and preform like Andrea Gibson someday


4.27.09
I sit in the library - 3 people walk by outside that I would have enjoyed talking to
oh...life

3.06 pm - I can see MJB and he's on a campus bike. It made me smile

I am 5 slides in
I am 2 pages in
I am freaking the fuck out!



4.28.09
D. Campbell tells me today that migraines are closely linked to higher intelligence. Does he only say this because he also suffers from them?


4.30.09
I have a major boner for Sorghum and it shows - a lot.


5.3.09
Not too sure when it became May 3rd. but it did. Here I am sitting at my dest thinking damn what a weekend and.... time to get down to business. The show ends today. Everything went well.

Todays emotions:
include an overwhelming need to be outside eating tomatoes. And the want to hold something small and warm close to me.


5.4.09
Word on my mac is dead - more dead that I expected
My grandmother is cute she sent me something in the mail today and my afghan is done.



5.5.09
I don't care to see or deal with anyone. I sort of want to keep away in my own world of thoughts. Staying alone as Nik is a form of insanity I can deal with right now. Dealing with other peoples stress is something I can not handle within my own insanity just now.

Time to do those last 30 pages and my design. I'll make it until the end.
1 more weekend
1 more week full of days
1 more Africa class
1 more of everything else

die Ende is Nahe...


5.6.09
3 am the hostile hour
a world around me
not waking, but not asleep
silent minutes pass by
writers and artist spill ink
3 am inspirations are lost
to the sheets of black

we are rather alone


5.10.09
A little drunk I played Kings Cup because Andrew Otto came back today. 3 beers later I am thinking about my life choices. Bak on Noyce 3 - writting - the boys are in bed - nap due in about 2 hours - Good life choices


5.16.09
I have lived the past 3 days in a state of intoxicants. It has been glorious and relaxing. Wednesday at 5pm I turned in my paper mostly finished and took a beer shower. Life has only gotten better from there.

Today's problem:
I own enough supplies to stock a kitchen - but I don't own a kitchen! Makes for some interesting packing and uses.

Today's goals
1. Piercings
2. Packing
2. See friends


Thoughts on leaving Grinnell
It is the end of my second year. For the past week or two I have been living off of sprouts, oatmeal, and coffee. Not a glamorous existence but a functional one.

I have never been more ready to leave this place. I always liked coming back here - but right now I am having very few thoughts of coming back. There are things that I will miss like the rain on my loggia - or cold beer on South beach. or working in the community garden.

This afternoon I will seal the deal on the semester and I will be getting two microdermals. My gift for having lived through all of this shit. Then I will comence my packing. To make sure I really know that it is over.

I don't know yet which friends I am going to miss. How can I even say which friends are going to miss me. I've made myself so nonexistent and so emotionless these last few days and weeks that it's going to be a rough and interesting shift no matter what happens.

I will be spending a week here - mostly with myself and kate. I leave this place broken hearted and empty not being in love or like with anyone making it simpler than all semesters before. I will miss Kate, and Evan, and Grant, and Adam but in 3 months we will all be in this place again. Save Adam who will be half way across the country for a semester. In time though he too will come back.

My brain can no longer make thoughts worth writing down. Just the thoughts of packing and moving on.


5.22.09
I am intrigued by motion. Bodies. water. ice cream. tissues.