My mother has set an October wedding date.
Along with that she has began to think about the dress and the people going to be involved.
I have began to think about how unbelievably gender weddings are. If all goes according to planed I will have already started hormone treatment by the day of her wedding, meaning I will be on my way to becoming the transman I want to become. My mother wants me to be her maid of honor, and what well respected gay man would turn her down. The only problem I know face is the fact that she keeps asking me to wear a dress. I keep saying that I won't. Last night I said that she couldn't expect me to be in a dress. She asked me why and I finally pulled the card. I compared myself to my brother, and said she would never ask him to be in a dress. And I am offended that she's asking me to be when she knows the extent of my gender.
This morning she apologized, but it just keep reminding me how much further we have to go.
He assumptions about me are all still very gendered, and I may not ever be able to change them. It hurts a little to think that, but I am sure of it's truth.
Weddings are a gender thing, especially in small town America. Men walk women down the aisle. Women wear dresses and men tuxedos. There are a few weddings that stray from this form, but for the most part we remain traditional. It's only too bad that I don't fit into my mother's traditional life that way anymore.
About the Author:
- N.J.
- I am an preforming artist, writer, director and eternal student. When I am not writing, I am watching anime, working in the theatre, baking bread, cooking, or napping in my hammock. I am fascinated with Africa, performance (of any kind), and woman's studies. When you pair the three together it is a dangerously awesome combination. I am also very active in queer discussions, especially those pertaining to gender. I hope my art can be use to trigger discussion, community healing and change (however loosely defined). Until then I will daydream, draw, write. and live. This is my blog of free thoughts and art, free for you to read.
3 comments:
This is not to even begin to discuss the socioeconomics of weddings! Girls are taught since they are very young to desire the perfect white dress, an expensive gala of a celebration to which she can invite all her friends. There's a race to see who gets married first. And men are expected to sit on the sidelines and let the women do their women thing, knowing full well that once it's all over, they'll be in charge.
I did some reading for my women's studies class on the wedding-industrial business in America. Very interesting stuff. And this is what we refer to as the "sanctity of marriage" in this country.
I could, quite litterally, write a book about this. I am sure as the process continues I should write a book. How many Maid of Honor's have actually identified as Male. This would be a great book.
Trans folk and wedding planners the world over would eat it up.... oh dear. This is happening.
Let's talk gender constructions in western weddings sometime soon.
Ben, I'm serious!
oh weddings. there are so many things about them in which I don't follow the norm =)
growing up, thinking I'd be stuck as a boy, I always asked myself, why the guy couldn't take the girl's last name. I thought I was going to ...
and I don't know if it's related to be trans, but I had always wanted to get married, and thought about marrying young and I thought it would be *amazing* to reach 50 years ... I always wanted that, and still do =)
I never actually pictured what I'd be wearing at my marriage ... but I knew it wouldn't be in a church, and it wouldn't be that big ...
and as for your mom asking you to wear a dress ... I don't doubt my parents will do that ... my grandmother still asks me if I'd like to join her at church (like I'm going to be welcome) and asks me if I'd like to have a chicken patty for dinner (stopped eating meat 4 years ago) ... and I've kinda given up with my family on correcting them about pronouns and my name ... but my dress is kinda one thing that I don't think I'm going to budge on. I've pretty much don't have any more male clothes, so there's not much they can request =P gender neutral is pretty much as far as I will go, at least while I'm in my hyper feminine stage.
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