Cold Campbell's From the Can

The turn from 2009 to 2010 has gotten a lot of attention from other bloggers, news programs, and friendly conversations yet I am hesitant to speak about my thoughts surrounding this new year. I am not fully sure why, but 2009 was the worst year of my conscious life. There were some things that I fully enjoyed, but mostly I lived in a constant state of depression and drug use. I did somewhat successfully quit smoking cigaretts, although recently I have really been longing for the cool draw of the nicotine and the sudden rush and clarity it brings to my head. I have also had a few fall backs in that time, eg. 10/10 and the night of drag show. Yet, I do not dwell on these situations as failures, but as ways to keep moving on from my relationship with nicotine.

I have also changed my relationship with alcohol. This is a constant battle with me, because I am never fully convinced drinking is what I want to do. I love the act of beer consumption though, and I have to keep good beer in my life. It has always been important to me, and I think beer in moderation will continue to be part of my life. Wine has also found an interesting spot, as I have enjoyed drinking it when editing poetry. Not when actually composing anything, but in the process of making things better, or different Red Wines have found a new home.

Chess has also taken hold in my life. I find it calming and solid. I've been playing a correspondence game online, and I think that I will soon start another. I enjoy taking tie to challenge my brain to think in a slightly different way. I also have a few friends at Grinnell who find Chess interesting and enjoy playing, therefore I plan to continue games with them in the coming semester.

I want 2010 to be less stressful and dramatic than 2009, because I was a mental and emotional wreck for most of the year. I think that is because I was not happy with things in my life that I couldn't control. I think most of those things have sorted, changed or be removed from my life. I am also fully out as a transman to my family, and they all seem to be trying really hard to understand and help me through my transition. Which leads me into a year where I have to be more selfish and think about the person I am becoming. The gym is going to become a friend of mine as I want a health body for my healthy mind. I also want to work harder at school. I have been letting it slide a little in the last 2 semesters due to the stress of my personal life, but I hope to be in a place where school work and academics can thrive and where I can be proud about the work I am doing.

My transition will officially start on March 20th when I go to my first doctor's appointment, the week there-after I will given my first dose of Testosterone. April will be a hard month, where my body is getting use to the T and I am feeling and thinking in such different ways. I will soon be starting a weekly blog or webpage dedicated to my transition because it will be important to have a space to express my concerns and changes. I also spent a lot of time reading blogs of other individuals personal transitions in the last years, therefore I hope my own story will be helpful. In July I plan to change my name. By the end of my Senior year I hope to have everything lined up to live the rest of my life as a genderqueer transman. I want new people I meet to only ever assume that I am a androgynous male. As for pronouns, we will discuss that in the next few months.

Until then I will be eating cold campbell's soup from the can, and saving all my pennys for the life that is ahead of me.