Mantasies
Thus far my sex life has been less than promiscuous. I can count the number of people I have had sex with on one hand. This though does not mean I have been unsatisfied in my pursuits. I’ve had both g-spot and clit orgasms, I’ve 69ed, I’ve stood, sat, squatted and otherwise moved through sexual positions. I’ve had sex inside, outside, in classrooms, on sports fields, my bed, their bed, in neither of our bed’s, and even in a tree. I am happy with the people I’ve had relations with, but there are still small things that I wonder and dream about.
In the past I have exclusively partnered with women and once I was asked by a lover if I had any fantasies. We were naked together at the time and I thought about it for a few seconds before telling her that I had never thought about it before, and the answer was no. This was far from the truth as I have many sexual fantasies but there is much more that I cannot tell my female partners because my sexual fantasies are about a totally different group of individuals - men!
I love men, in the way that I always find the perfect guy fall madly in love with him saying out loud the entire time that I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian! But, I’m not a lesbian to be a lesbian I would have to identify as a woman all of the time and only want to partner with other women identifying individuals. I am a genderqueer and my gender identity is in fluid motion between male and female therefore it is really hard for me to say that I am actually a lesbian even if I have only recently been in serious relationships with lesbians. My trans identity underlies my sexual fantasies. So… let me tell you a little bit about them.
They are not the traditional boy-girl stationary, boring sex that many may think. *Most* of the boys I fall for are in ONE specific category, really, really, really gay! In most cases they are the typically gay man that we all know, and love. In some cases so gay that they are often confused as women. In a very, very few cases I fall in love with straight men as well, but these are the minority in my thoughts and ideas.
With the traditional gay men that I fall for, I think about us having a deep connection complete with talking, cuddling, and tea drinking in essence the ‘lesbian’ relationship between two queer individuals. But the sex with these men is what is different. I dream about dominating them, tying them up, and fucking them in the ass, it’s a shocker I know! I want to strap on my own personal penis and be their man. Actually I’ve wanted to grow up and be a man since at least the 3rd grade. Just, back then no one believed me – and now it’s just really expensive.
With the gay men who are often confused as women I get the most excited. These gender deviant individuals remind me of myself in a non-narcissistic way. I imagine them being as interested in sex and a relationship with other gender deviant individuals as I am. Meaning that exploration, questions, comments and concerns are much more important. I imagine that sex would go back in forth with me being both dominant and submissive, with sex toys, hands, mouths, and genital all being used to their full potentials. This grouping of individuals is also the only group I feel my fanatics will ever become realities with because they are on the same pursuit of sexual discovery as I am. My only fear is that during a fight, one of these queers is going to pierce me with a stiletto.
The last group of men, the straight men I almost completely left out of this monologue. That is because I do not typically sexualize these individuals when I imagine them. There is a lot of cuddling, and kissing but no thoughts of how it would be like to actually have sex with them. Perhaps this is because I fear losing my queer identity and falling into the hetero-normative lifestyle. Or perhaps I am scared of Michael Blankenship’s infamous phrase, “Nik you are such a bad lesbian!” Though, be it know it is this group of men that when fallen for, I pine the hardest after. Any one of my friends will tell you how it looks when I lust and swoon and melt over a straight man without ever expressing any interest to them publically, because I have learned I can not lead them on. Moreover, I feel part the interest I have in these men stems from the pursuit and tension I create within myself.
My sexual fantasies, of course are something my lesbian lovers cannot fulfill for me no matter if I tell them about it or not. It is not like I want to sex them up the ass, I am perfectly content with the way my interactions and relations with them are. In fact I really like lesbian sex! I’ve been told on many occasions that I should try it out with bi-sexual. You actually do get the best of both worlds, without them thinking about who else you like having sex with because they don’t like having sex with one gender either. But I do sometimes fine myself dreaming about that one gay man, who I have always been in love with, wondering if he will ever make my wildest dreams come true. So if you have any thoughts…. Comments… or questions… I live on read 2nd
About the Author:
- N.J.
- I am an preforming artist, writer, director and eternal student. When I am not writing, I am watching anime, working in the theatre, baking bread, cooking, or napping in my hammock. I am fascinated with Africa, performance (of any kind), and woman's studies. When you pair the three together it is a dangerously awesome combination. I am also very active in queer discussions, especially those pertaining to gender. I hope my art can be use to trigger discussion, community healing and change (however loosely defined). Until then I will daydream, draw, write. and live. This is my blog of free thoughts and art, free for you to read.
4 comments:
I love this post, and I feel similarly to you in a lot of ways. As a bisexual, I have not nearly as much internal...torment?, about the issue. However, I too fantasize about straight looking-acting-being men, though I take the opposite role as you (though in my fantasies, my anatomy is wholly female). I do so love submitting!
I can also relate to the different strains of fantasy. Depending on the type of person, they can range from wild, orgiastic, impassioned fucking to those more tender, gentle, emotional moments. You know, that "your body is a wonderland" setting where your partner is gallant and courteous, excited yet patient, and delights in every delicate inch of skin and every sighed breath, taking you in like a work of art, perhaps deeply analytical and detail-oriented as a scientist or perhaps with sense of dumb-struck wonder, as a newly tripping hippy feeling the grass on hir hands as zhe's never felt it before.
There is a certain rift between my fantasy and my reality, though. I, unlike you, would need quite a few more hands to count my past partners. As such, a bit of the wonder of exploring new territory has been lost, and so as I partner with others, I find myself in that more "dominant" role. I find myself the observant scientist and the gentle teacher, holding my partner's hand as we walk through the sheets. This, however, is intensely rewarding for me. Being the "power bottom" is the role I am best suited for. My primary goal in love-making is to provide my partner with pleasure beyond what zhe has felt before, and this often results in opening myself up to hir desires...in more ways than one!
Whew. I'm getting all wet here. This is probably something we ought to discuss further, later. Until then, much peace!
humm - indeed
I can not even begin to adequately respond to this post, but I do thank you for writing it.
My gmon makes me very vulnerable - but I think that it is good to have things out there. We will see how my sex life progresses in the next few weeks, months, and years of my life
I didn't realize this was your monologue until Jess informed me that it is. Very cool man! I remember when I read it thinking, "Hmm, this is very bold of her to put on the intarwubs, but maybe she just doesn't have a lot of readers at Grinnell (or maybe just not a lot of ex/current-lady-lovers)." Way much power to you for speaking it in front of an audience!
How did it go, btw? I can't imagine anybody threw any rotten veggies at anyone, but a standing ovation would have been sweet, yes?
It went really well - I was super nervous about it but people were really supportive. The one gay boy who I have always love though, missed it both nights because I was first and he was late. It is alright - because he may never love me like I love him.
Other than that, I am really happen that it is behind me not. It was much easier to come out as trans to many at one time that worry about doing it one on one with people. Now at least 100 people know instead of only about 10 or so.
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